My initial reaction was to almost drop the rum and my cup, the second was to yell/stutter some expletives. I did both simultaneously. “Holy- What?!’ It was almost as if I couldn’t decide on the correct thing to shout, so I kept cutting myself off. Which is, I think, way better than mashing words two words that mean the same thing and ending up with some nonsense gibberish (for example, confusion over whether or not which of the words ‘good’ or ‘great’ would be more appropriate would form the word, ‘grood.’ And that’s one of the few that can be somewhat okay. “Cawesome’ has been used in a mash up between ‘cool’ and ‘awesome.’).

The figure on the couch quickly straightened up in surprise as well. She was speechless, and I recovered first.

“Celeste? What are you doing here?”

“Oh, I, uh, I could ask the same for you!” she said with a laugh, trying to cover her utter confusion with a wide smile.

If I already didn’t have a terrible enough day already, I would say that this would’ve been such a huge blow to my innards (had they not already been trodden upon and dropped into oblivion), but by now I was more or less accepting of whatever was handed to me. Or so I tried to tell myself.

“Do you remember who I am?” I slowly asked her.

“Of course!” Celeste exclaimed, looking more panicked by the second, “Of course!” Luckily for her, it finally dawned (her eyes widening and her mouth dropping open and everything- she obviously had no control over her facial features) and she sprang up from the couch and hopped over the coffee table, her arms wide open, “You’re Lucky! My little hero! How I could ever think I could ever forget you?” She lunged and enveloped me into a tight hug.

“Well, being that you just, totally did… Right then… Before… when I…” I trailed off as the hug progressed. I have to admit, it was very nice. I think I needed one of these. Though I still think I need some rum, which I was still holding.

Celeste let go of me and pushed me back to an arms length, gripping my shoulders, “Wow! So, like, what are you doing here?”

“Uh, I uh, kinda live next door?”

“Really? I didn’t know that.”

“Yeah, why else would Linx- I mean, Chester and I hang out sometimes?” I had a distinct memory of us telling her this, even through that drunken haze I was in at the time. Another small disappointment of the day, I suppose, though, honestly I have no right to complain about people not remembering little details about my life when I don’t have the capacity to care for other people’s. “Where is he, by the way?”

Celeste frowned, “I think he went to the bathroom, like, a long time ago. I think he wasn’t feeling good. Oh man, it seemed like I was just sitting on the couch for two seconds, but it might’ve been like, twenty minutes, I don’t know.” She laughed in a bashful manner and placed her hands over her heart, “Oh wow, it’s like, I have no concept of time right now, you know what I mean?”

I just realized I was standing in Linx’s place and Celeste was here. This was a very strange and peculiar situation, mostly because it was a concept that I never thought was ever conceivable in my apparently useless imagination (first and foremost, when or if I imagined Celeste to even be within this apartment building, I usually pictured it in one of my frequented areas. Like my bed. Or walking down the street as I creepily watched her from my window. Mind you, this was before that We-Smoked-Weed-and-Almost-Got-a-BJ-but-then-the-Boyfriend-Came-Back-and-I-Got-Kicked-Out incident). Was it not him who warned me that she was crazy on a stick and therefore one to avoid? That fucking hypocrite- what really was going on here?

“Have you checked on him or anything?” I asked her, placing my drink and my cup on the coffee table.

She shrugged, “No, he said he was okay.”

Are you kidding me? “When was this?”

Celeste thought for a moment. “It could’ve been a while, but remember? My sense of time is all messed up.”

“I’ll check on him, you stay here,” I said and went over to attack the bathroom door with a flurry of knuckle jabs. “Linx!” I bellowed, “Are you dead?” When I didn’t receive an answer immediately, I pulled up on the door itself and pushed, which was something I figured out one day during this past summer, when I was trying to get back at him for some prior prank (actually, I was sorta the one who broke the lock on his door, since I decided that my act of vengeance would be to do a surprise break in on Linx (or his friend Jin) while they were on the shitter and take a picture to document their reaction but… that didn’t really end that well) and stumbled into the bathroom.

Linx was leaning forward over his sink, his forehead propped against his mirror, his arms propping himself up.

I almost wanted him to be lying in a pile of his own puke just to make this worthwhile. Now I just felt stupid and that the little sliver of worry (and the possibility of being a hero of some sort) evaporated with a disappointed farting noise (in my head), and was replaced with annoyance. “What the fuck, you’re a pretentious sink vomiter like Tiff?”

“No,” he mumbled, “What? No. I didn’t even throw up.”

“… Are you okay?”

“No.”

This, I have to say, is a first. I took a glance outside the door, and saw Celeste peering over the back of the couch, “Is Chester okay?” she called.

“He’s fine,” I answered back, glanced at Linx, looked back at Celeste, and then turned back to Linx. I shoved him aside so I could close the door behind me. I’ve had enough of my own lollygagging so at least I’ll just cut straight to the point with one thing today. “Yo, what the fuck is she doing here?” I hissed. “I thought you told me that she was like, fucked up and shit. Were you only saying that because you didn’t think someone like me could handle her? Weren’t you saying that shit because you said you’d stay away from girls like her too?”

“What the hell are you talking about?” Linx sighed, turning on the faucet to splash water in his face.

I didn’t say anything since I didn’t really know what I was referring to, but I did know I was bothered by something about this situation.

Linx toweled his face and mumbled into it, “I fucked up.”

I opened my mouth to inquire, but he continued.

“Don’t even ask.” He very neatly folded the towel and hung it back onto the rack.

Outside, Celeste let out a squeal, “Kitty! Come here, kitty!”

I stood there for a moment more. Despite his outright statement to not ask him, I couldn’t help it. “Did you fuck her?” I hissed in a near whisper.

“No, absolutely not,” Linx snapped back with the sort of conviction in which one could tell he was not lying and that, if anything, the accusation insulted him somehow.

“Oh,” I said, “Okay then. Can I get some orange juice?”

“What?”

“Orange juice. Can I get some?” Maybe I’ll get drunk and sit at Linx’s kitchen table and watch the interaction between him and Celeste. Linx is visibly irritated and Celeste will probably always be messed up; when it comes to girls, Linx will usually play the charming, boyish character, and even when he didn’t care he’d act interested. Except when he’s already pissed, like he is now. As for Celeste, who knows what he plan of action is? She has yet to not surprise me so I want to be ready for this episode’s what-the-fuckery.

“I don’t have any more orange juice,” Linx said.

WHAT. The pain in my gut that I felt from being denied from yet another pleasure of my life almost hurt more than the realization that my first real date was an undate. My life just about ended here, my raison d'etre compromised. Sweet, sweet death is all that awaited me. “No,” I gasped in a dramatic fashion. “Nooooooo!”

In the other room, Celeste cooed in a baby voice, “Kitty, kitty, you so fuzzy!”

Linx closed his eyes and rubbed his temples. “Lucky, can you do me a huge favor?”

“Hell no,” I said, already going for the door. Linx’s arm shot out lightning fast and grabbed the back of my shirt, yanked hard and then shoved me bodily into the counter. “Okay, now I’m really not gonna do it,” I wheezed into the sink.

“Get her out of here,” he said, and shoved his keys into my hand.

“Like ‘here’ as in the general vicinity of your home?” I had an image of us trying to lure her out of the apartment- me sashaying out the door in my school uniform and Linx waiting for the second she walked out to slam the door behind her and then audibly lock it. The cat may just have to be made a martyr.

Linx sighed, “I meant take her home.”

“Me?”

“No the dumbass behind you. What do you think? Stupid.”

“By myself?” I can see that one ending badly too. I don’t know how since I wasn’t feeling very creative at the moment, but I’m pretty sure Murhpy’s Law liked to look at me for ideas (for the unaware, Murphy’s Law states that, ‘everything that can go wrong, will go wrong.’ It’s cites me as an example.). Anything from the car ending up a giant, roaring ball of fire, wreckage and whatever’s left of me (bones?) to being three states over, high as a kite on whatever drug Celeste had on her- anything was game. Even if I did attempt to keep it straight and just took her straight back to her place, I would no doubt get jumped by her male friend person, who would most likely be waiting outside with a crowbar/baseball bat/golf club/rabid squirrels in cages to create a masterpiece of my face.

I did not like those chances.

“Linx, can you come with too?” I all but begged. Funny how mere weeks ago, I would’ve killed to have Celeste in a car, alone. But since Linx was the one who verbalized the whole, ‘she’s a psycho’ thing, he had no one to blame for my plea but himself.

He made a face, probably thinking about this combination: me, his car and Celeste made a very deadly equation, even if we took out the part where she’s crazy (she’s still hot- and besides, all girls are insane in some way). “Alright, fine, you have to drive since I’m still drunk, so get out of here first because I actually need to take a piss.”

Shoved out the door, I made my way back to the couch where Celeste was attempting to hold Mr. Fluffy. The fat orange cat was trying its hardest to slink away from her grip, but to no avail.

“Is this Chester’s cat? So pretty!” Celeste cooed.

“Not really,” I said, remember all of the times it liked to wake me up so my nose was mere millimeters away from its anus. And then it would try to sit on my face. And let us not remember the time it pissed on my bed.

“So, what are you up to?” Celeste asked me, between her attempts to calm the struggling feline. Finally, it wrenched itself free, landed with a loud thud on its side (embarrassing excuse for a cat) and very quickly skittered away, taking refuge in Linx’s room.

“Nothing much…” I said, “You?”

She shrugged and gave me a charming yet vapid smile. I can tell she didn’t really want me here. “Visiting a friend,” she said, “And now you! So good to see you.”

“Yeah. So you and uh, Chester are friends now?”

“Well I ran into him at a bar, and we just hit it off. I think that makes us friends.” She smiled again, and I knew that she was no longer interested in me, though I do wonder if she was at all during that strange past incident. I also wonder if that would change if I put on my school uniform. Have my tie a little loose, the top of my shirt unbuttoned, the rest of it half haphazardly tucked into my pants as if I was in a rush to get to class… I bet that shit would turn her on.

After a moment of silence, I ventured to ask, “So, uh, how is everything with you?”

“Oh good!” Celeste gushed, “Things are good! I broke up with Darrel, my now ex-boyfriend, but we’re still friends so he’s letting me stay at his apartment while I look for someplace else. It’s probably better that I get out of there sooner, do you know what I mean?”

“Uh, sure.”

“Lucky wants to get some food, let’s go,” Linx announced, making a quick beeline from the bathroom to around the couch to the door, “Celeste, c’mon.”

“Okay! Do I need to bring anything? Can I leave my purse-”

“Bring everything,” Linx quickly added. “You have my keys, right?” he said to me.

I held them up and walked past him, Celeste giggling behind me as Linx ushered her out the door.

0 0 0

On a scale from one to drunk, I knew that Linx was somewhere around ‘kinda drunk and coming down.’ I could tell the second I found him staring hazily somewhere beyond his mirror. He was rather vocal about it, announcing it in the bathroom, and then saying, ‘Man, I’m still drunk,’ after bumping into his own doorway as he shut the door behind him, stumbling down the last three steps of the stairs, ‘These steps go on forever when you’re drunk,’ he said, and also when he slid into the passenger seat of his car, saying, ‘Just because I’m drunk doesn’t mean I can’t tell when you’re driving like shit.’

Celeste, on the other hand, I didn’t realize was (still) wasted until we were well on our way down our four flights of stairs, when she missed a step and with a loud shriek, nearly fell until Linx caught her. And then she began to laugh uncontrollably. Linx, though in a bad mood, gradually found it somehow hilarious and joined in with the raucous laughter as they both collapsed and lay on the steps.

I, however, was stuck staring up in horror, my eyes so wide that whoever that guy was way back when who said to not shoot until you saw the whites of the enemy’s eyes would’ve had his men attack me from well over a mile away. Why? Because I was standing below her, far enough so that if she had fallen, she would’ve taken me out with her, her pointy heels probably lodging themselves somewhere between my nostril and eye socket. Maybe through my cheek. And somehow she would’ve ended up kneeing me in the balls again, a memory that still causes me to subconsciously cover my crotch with my hands to this day.

Nevertheless, I had to pat myself on the back as that having Linx come is the one thing saving my life. Take THAT fate!

We ended up at a diner somewhat near where Celeste lived, at least from what I can remember. Sitting there, I felt removed from reality as one of those Now how did I get here? moments crept up on me.

Celeste would say something, a comment about some small matter which made the conversation barely above small talk, or mention somebody that Linx and her probably both knew, while Linx would shrug or answer with one syllable words, having clearly rescinded back to his pissy mood. I watched this as one would watch a tennis match. I was thankful when the food arrived.

After a complete and thorough breakfast (and orange juice! Yes! Fucking finally!) for me and Linx (Celeste only had a coffee), she searched through her purse, and pulled out a carton of cigarettes and offered one to Linx.

“No, I’m good,” he said, wiping the yolk left on his plate with a piece of toast.

She frowned, “I thought you smoked. You did with me outside the bar.”

“Only when I drink.”

A smile flitted onto Celeste’s lips as she played with the single cigarette between her fingers, “Do you want to step outside with me anyway?”

“Nope, I’m good,” he said again. “Do you need to borrow my lighter though?”

“I have my own,” she said while biting her lip, and lingered a moment more before excusing herself.

I watched her leave and as soon as she was out of earshot, I turned back around.

Me: Damn, that was harsh!

Him: What?

Me: She totally wants you. And you’re all like, ‘Nope.’

Him: (shrug) Not interested.

Me: Yeah I can see that. But wait, what do you mean, like, not interested at all? She’s hot.

Him: She’s crazy, didn’t we talk about this? Look at her again; the crazy is strong in this one my friend, the crazy is strong in this one.

Me: (pause) So let’s say, theoretically, she offers to do stuff with you. Would you do it?

Him: … Do what?

Me: You know. Stuff. Like… give head. And sex.

Him: That would have to completely depend on the situation and what’s going on with my life at the moment. (pause) And hers I guess.

Me: What? That doesn’t answer my question at all.

Him: Whatever.

Me: So like, let’s say one day, theoretically, she came up to me and asked you if you wanted a blowjob. Yes or no?

Him: … Are you trying to say that this happened to you? Or was this some sort of dream you had or something?

Me: I said theoretically if something like that ever happen to you, would you do it?

Him: Hmm, this is a very specific theoretical event you’re talking about here. Where did this come from?

Me: Okay, fine, let’s make it broader then. So let’s say that-

Him: What’s with all these questions, little man?

Me: Nothing, I’m just saying-

Him: …

Me: Okay, fine, reality: I met up with Celeste one day for coffee-

Him: Don’t you not like coffee?

Me: That’s aside the point. So anyway, I met up with her, and we hung out, and then we went back to her place, smoked a huge blunt, and then she offers to blow me.

Him: (insert loud derisive laughter here along with a slap on the table) Ha! No way!

Me: I’m serious!

Him: (continuous laughter) No fucking way. That’s such bullshit, Lucky. Ha! You wish! Look at you and your little teenage fantasies-

Me: Yo, I am so fucking not-

Here Linx cut me off with a swift kick to my shins and a moment later, Celeste glided back into her seat, the smell and haze of smoke flowing in after her. In my chair, I twitched in pain.

“So are we going back to your place after this?” she asked as the bill arrived.

Linx didn’t answer for a moment as he looked at the check, “No,” was his faint reply, “Lucky, do you have any singles?”

With a sigh I looked through my wallet. “Like, four.”

“You mind putting that down for the tip? I got you on the rest.”

“Fucking sweet, thanks man,” I slipped the singles under my glass of water.

“Wait, so what are you up to then?” Celeste asked. I noticed she hadn’t taken out any cash, so I assumed Linx was just going to treat her as well. Oh the perks to being a woman.

Linx shrugged, “Do you need a ride back to your place? Or do you live around here?”

Celeste’s mouth formed an ‘O.’ “Um,” she finally said, “I live pretty close to here, I guess. I think I’ll be okay.”

“You sure?” Linx asked her as we made our way out of the diner.

“Yeah, yeah, I’ll be fine.” She suddenly sounded tired.

“Good to see you again,” Linx politely added.

Celeste began to walk away, “Oh yeah, of course, and you too Lucky, so good to see you! We should go out for coffee again or something.”

“Sure.”

We carried on for a while with our goodbyes and whatnot, with some more, ‘Be safe!’ and ‘Good night!’ thrown in there for an extra measure as Celeste kept walking away. All in all, not as awkward as it could’ve been.

“Ugh, I’m so tired now. Driver, take us home!”

I unlocked the car and slid in. “Oh, shut up,” I said.

The ride home was uneventful, as was the rest of the night. I ended up staying up even later as that I was uncomfortably full ever since the grease and heavy food settled into my stomach. I was watching a Hitchcock movie when Tiff walked in.

“You’re still up?” she asked.

“What about you? You’re still up?” It was almost five in the morning. By now it was understood that out of the two of us, it was usually me who came in later in various mental states. It was something that I knew Tiff didn’t like or even approve of since it probably meant that whatever shenanigans I was involved in that night were more ridiculous than the usual, but also because it probably made her feel like some old, responsible fart. Two or three in the morning was considered extreme for her.

“I can smell the alcohol on you from here,” I observed. What the fuck, did everybody go out and have a jolly good drunken time, the one time I really wanted to (though drinking alone is really pathetic).

“I thought you were gonna drink tonight?”

“No, Darwin had to go home.”

“Sucks for you,” she said, “I’m going to bed.”

Sunday morning passed gracefully into Sunday afternoon, which then, as predicted, continued on to Sunday night. The only thing different from my usual lazy Sundays was that I had accidentally picked up the phone when Tomo called. Not recognizing the number, I had picked up, thinking that maybe it was Tiff since she was gone by the time I had woken up, and I had tried to call her earlier only to hear her phone ringing in the kitchen. And then Tomo talked and talked and talked, and somewhere out there was a poor boy whose only desire in life was to one day converse with the opposite sex or at least listen to the beautiful, titillating voice of a young woman. That boy was not me, and that voice did not belong to Tomo.

Anyway, Monday finally rolled around and I was completely unprepared for it despite the fact that this happens every week. Trudging into homeroom, Darwin waited for me to collapse into my seat before he sauntered over.

“Dude,” he said, “the dance is this Friday.”

I looked at him. “So? Your point?” I looked behind him to see if Wendy was holding a gun to his head, therefore forcing him to announce this to everybody he comes across.

He lowered his voice, “’So?’ Dude! You have to ask Cricket to the dance like, today.”

“What do you mean ‘today?’ And who even said that I was going?”

“The plan, dude! The plan!”

“What is this ‘plan’ that you speak of?”

“The plan-” Darwin cut himself off before doing one of those suspicious glance over both of his shoulders before lowering his voice even further. I had to lean in to hear him. “Remember the plan we talked about? The one where you ask Cricket to the dance and that way you guys can go as friends first and then it’ll be easier for you guys to keep hanging out and then eventually you’ll just end up being together naturally? Dude, c’mon!”

“Oh, that plan.”

“Just do it!” Darwin hissed.

“Wait, today?”

“Yes, today. You should’ve asked her like, last week so she would’ve had the weekend to get herself a dress or something to wear or something because girls do that, but the sooner you ask her the better. Also, who knows, maybe someone asked her already. The longer you wait, the worse your chances are.”

I was still fixated on one aspect of this so called ‘plan.’ “Today?” I repeated.

Darwin gave me a steady look and leaned back. “Dude.”

“Yo, wait, I need to prepare for this shit,” I said. My mind was going into overdrive, already cutting out certain times when it wouldn’t be appropriate for me to ask her, several possible scenarios popping up in my head about the small periods of time when I could.

Darwin stood up to go back to his own seat. “Prepare for what?”

“Nothing,” I said. “I mean, yeah, today. I’ll ask her today.”

“Or else,” he said in a menacing manner.

“Or else what? What kind of threat is that?”

He rolled his eyes and went back to his desk as the homeroom teacher walked in.

After a zombie-like first period, I tripped Darwin to give him an excuse to not talk to the cute girl he was walking with.

“Dude, what the hell?” he glared at me as the girl walked on, oblivious that Darwin was no longer beside her as the sea of students swept around us.

The main reason why I was completely inattentive during the first period of the day wasn’t simply because it was just the first period of the day, but because I was actually thinking. I managed to avoid this particular topic in my own head through sheer ignorance and, dare I say it, optimism, but it was time I approached this head on. “Question: who’s going? And did you or anybody else already ask people to go?”

“What?”

“The dance. I’m talking about the dance.”

“Whoa dude, you’re actually gonna follow through?”

“The fuck, man, what do- Answer the goddamn questions!”

“Uh, I didn’t ask anybody yet, and I think Dane, Kyo and Wendy have to go by default, probably not even with dates since Wendy’s been nagging them for help so I don’t even think they’ll get to even have fun when they go. Simon’s gonna go because everybody else is gonna go and in the end, we’re all gonna end up there which is what usually happens. Except this time you’re coming.”

“Hmm, I see. How serious do people take the whole ‘date’ thing?”

“I haven’t brought a date the last couple of times because of Rika, but random people end up tagging along. Or friend dates, like, for a while Dane and Wendy always went to things together.”

“Hmm,” I said, and veered off towards my locker.

“Um, thanks?” Darwin called as he continued with the flow.

Despite the fact that my mind was in hyper drive right now just from analyzing possible scenarios and other things, I knew one thing was for sure: no more dillydallying this time- the undate had taught me a lesson: now or never, motherfuckers.

Or actually, it also taught me to be more specific as well. Like, I’m thinking I would definitely need the words, ‘Friday,’ ‘Dance,’ and ‘With me.’ And maybe a ‘you.’ And a question mark. Some other words probably too like, a verb of some sort. A preposition or two, but we’ll have to see when I get there. It may take me a little more honing with my problem solving skills, but I think I’ll have a complete sentence by lunch, which was my self appointed cut off time.

Panicked I may be, but Cricket better be in school today, because bitch, I am ready.

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A.N.: First note to attend to: whoever it was who nominated this for the La Campanella Humor Award: WHAT THE WHAT and thanks! Voting may or may not have started yet, but you should definitely check out that site. Anyway, to those who had guessed Celeste to be the figure- wasn’t so hard right? Yeah! I am surprised by the number of you who guessed Tiff since she left before Darwin did- though I guess that would’ve been the surprise part of it if it was her. Gasp!

Thanks to: wandless, Marie, Jada Writes, salt and vinegar Pringles, timayyyy (plus a million more ‘y’s’), Zephr-wings, starbance

FakeFiction: To call Providence a metropolitan city (or at least the one I’m attempting to portray in this fic) is like calling a puddle the ocean. No offense to anybody from there- I lived there for a while (can I guess that you got that from my website?), but still- def not a big city. Oh well, no matter. And ding ding ding it was Celeste! And Tomo did get a mention in this chapter too so it’s like you won twice. I just read this over and it sounded really sarcastic, but it’s not. Not much at least. Haha.

Fatbatch: Sorry, I meant all 9 of you still reading this.

Infinitely Vexing: Sorry things sound crappy over where you are, to say that I’m glad that this has helped you is an understatement. To know that something I did in effected somebody in positive way, or just made someone laugh is awesome. Thanks. :D

Uh, everybody just read what I wrote to Infinitely Vexing right there- that pretty much says everything. OH and go check out/vote at La Campanella!