I'm so disgusting. I'm disgusted with myself. I'm dirty, impure- foul.

Two years ago I said I'd give up my ways, change my attitude. And look at this, once again I'm falling into the pattern. Maybe its the break ups. Or maybe its just an every 2 year thing. 1 bad break up, fuck around, a good one, a bad break up, fuck up again. I just can't believe myself.

I'm so blind.

Selling myself out in the wrong outlets. God, it breaks my heart. I thought I was done. For good. But maybe not. Just one mistake after the other, sinking lower and lower. Suffocating on false doting. Trying to make myself believe they'll love me, not try to fuck me. But no. Its always the same. Always about sex. I'm a good kid, I don't do that shit. If I were to do it, they'd just leave me. Everybody leaves in the end.

And time and time again... I'm alone. With no one but my slutty self.

Two goods came into my life.. I lost one and the other left me.. And so I go back to my only security.. Unintentional, unnoticed.. But definitely happening. And no one sees it. But me.. And like before.. I can't help myself.

I've fallen too hard.

And with the loss of half my heart... I don't want to be saved.

I'm impure.

Why impure others? I don't want to corrupt anything pure. It might sting. It might infect. it might spread. It might be the death of me. I guess I could die happy knowing I had felt some minor form of love, if its the case. Then again I wouldn't truly die. Not physically. Just inside. I've died before, I've shed my skin when molting. Its not impossible to do again. Reborn bad out of the ashes of the good.

My only security..

Myself and faking love. Faking attraction. All for what? A lowered self-esteem, guilt, feeling dirty, feeling used, being abused....? Or the self-satisfaction of knowing you can't defeat a continuous line of failures? Or that you just have shit luck in guys. This is just another rerun of two years ago.. Another mistake on the way. Newly packaged and decorated.. Doused in deceit and the lies I tell myself. I love deja vu. The same shit, a new era. Full of messing around and alcohol. Oh god the alcohol. Such a loathesome liquid. But it no longer repulses me. Its tempting. Everything is tempting. The need to be 'in' or 'accepted' ringing in my ears. All over again. The adrenalin rush of knowing giving in just a little and maybe you can get the world. Lies, lies, lies. Fuck you. It all fits in perfectly. Its always so nice to sink back into old ways. Back to never being good enough.

Its time for a change in pace.
Maybe a change for the better or worse.

3404.3.05

P.s. If I let go of your hand, don't let me fall apart. If I push you away, embrace me tightly. If I try to hide, pry into my life. If I seem to die, please try to revive.

In adulation with malady
You've always been my remedy