Ah…to be writing another essay/rant thing. It’s been far too long.

Every single day of my life, I adventure further and further down into the barrel of human stupidity. Every day, I think I’ve seen the bottom of this barrel.

Every day, I’m proved horribly, horribly wrong.

First things first- I wake up at the ass-crack of dawn, and sleepily stumble out of my bed to turn on the morning “news”. The headlines and stories could easily be summed up in one word: attention-whoring. (Two words, connected with a hyphen. Bite me.) It’s fucking ridiculous.

OMG OMG MIRACLE KITTEN SAVES ORPHANS FROM BURNING BUILDING WHILE FLYING OLD GLORY!!!!1111!!!11

HOLY FUCKING SHIT!!! A CULT OF NINJAS WHO JUGGLE FLAMING CHAINSAWS!!!!1111!!!1

LOOK!!!! THIS RICH WHITE PERSON IS FUCKING ANOTHER RICH WHITE PERSON!!!111

God, what a nightmare. Now, I do know that the morning television show exist mostly to pander to the crowd of suburban mothers and advertising companies and the suchlike, but when I turn on the TV at 5 in the morning, I don’t need to see Al Roker talking about some stupid crap to stupid tourists in stupid New York. I want three simple things when I watch the news: News, weather, and traffic. I don’t need to know anything else. At all. Take your ninja kitten, your cooking recipes, and shove it up your ass.

Really, who cares about that sort of thing? If I want to be entertained, I’ll flip to the Cuntry Music channel and laugh at the rednecks. Or flip to the Oxygen Network to watch reruns of Ellen. Or I’ll just read a book and/or look at porn.

After the morning drudge, I turn up the radio to listen to “today’s hit music” (don’t look at me like that; it gets stuck in my head) and the first thing I hear is MORE DAMN TALKING. No. Fuck no. FM radio should be for music. If I want talk, I’ll change it to AM or XM or NPR. The radio is for music.

On my drive to work. I often find myself ranting and bitching. As anybody who drives in the California-Nevada-Arizona area can agree, this is the fucktard capital of the world. People are generally pushy, insist on their right of way, gawk at accidents, tailgate, speed, refrain from using signals, and in general act like asshats.

I normally find myself going 73 in the fast lane (65 is the maximum where I live) and I find myself with an SUV an inch from my bumper, usually being driven by a blonde fat woman on the cell phone applying makeup and eating, or a middle-aged man typing furiously on what appears to be a laptop. If I’m lucky, it’s by a punk-ass teen in his rice-rocket playing music with bass so deep it rocks my car.

Instead of simply changing lanes and passing me, they either flash their lights or tailgate me for ten miles. After they realize that I really could not give any less of a fuck about their Holy Importance, they change lanes and cut me off as soon as possible, often giving me the finger. After about two seconds of their 90 mph run, they slam on the brakes and slow down to- you’ll never guess –the exact same speed I was going. What a revolutionary concept! Going the same speed as the rest of traffic!

Other people demand their right-of-way, often causing me to have to slam on my brakes to allow them to get into the lane that I was occupying happily. I can’t count the times that I’ve nearly been rear-ended, sideswiped, or otherwise vehicularly damaged.

I also can’t count the times that I’ve referred to people as “cuntphobic asswrecking son of a whorebitch” either, for that matter.

The stupid only grows as I proceed to McDonalds, where I am currently employed as a order-taking whore, er, customer service representative.

As I work at McDonalds, my...clientele, if you can refer to those consumer whores that way, is fucking odd. We have yuppies, Mexicans, and poor white trash all coming together to consume greased products.

Let me show the usual types:

1. Angry fat black woman- Will always order something extremely large and confusing. Then, when it comes back exactly as she wanted it, she'll get very upset and start demanding her money back.

2. Mr Bling-Bling- These people have usually forgot that they're Asian or white. They're loaded with bling-bling, and they, without fail, order a Double Quarter Pounder, Large Size. And then they say "fo' he-ah, yo." at the end of their sentence.

3. The Busload of Asians in a Tiny Car: I've seen fifteen Asians all come out of a tiny Accura. I don't know how in the fuck they did it, but they come in groups and order fish sandwiches and complain about cold fries when the burning hot oil that's dripping from the bag is burning second-degree burns into my hand.

4. The Mexican Laborers. Big Macs, big sodas, no grasp on the English.

5. Dumbasses.

These deserve a category all to themselves, including-

Rednecks
Stoned skaters
Asshats that wear Raiders basketball jerseys
Fat white women

They always make impossible orders and demands, frequently thinking they're funny or important. They're not. I find it so hard not to laugh at their pitiful excuses of lives. I only work there- they eat it.

And then I drive back home and stop at the gas station.

The grammar, or lack thereof, hurts my brain.

“Minor’s Will Be Arrested For Buying Tobacco Product’s”

“Buy Yo’ur CD’s, Here!”

“There is a fie four uesing A’T’M’ ”

“Please Report? All of Jay’s, and, Crow’s, and, Sickly Bird’s. For The Purpose, Of The West Nile Virus’. Report any West Nile birds. Here. El Dorado, County Environment Department’.”

Yes, the last thing was a public service announcement distributed by the county, not a cruel joke played on the unsuspecting readers. Of course, where I live, the NRA counts as an environmentalist group, so…

And then comes the spectacle, or rather, debacle, of the Internet. It was once said that if you give a million monkeys keyboards that they would eventually write Shakespeare. After the Internet, I can safely say that person was dead wrong.

The Internet.

Perhaps one ought to add some punctuation marks to that.

The Internet!!!

I’m going to provide only a few examples of stupidity that I’ve seen.

From a 13 year old bisexual gothic Christian Wiccan who supported Bush (don’t ask me, I don’t know either):

o lik teh otr dy i ws guna kil myslef cuz my gf brok up wit me an so i tok pils n then i saw god!!!!

an i wuz lik wtf? god? ur dead tho

n he wuz lik lol ur rong, im god

an i was lik cool im christan wican now
so thn he sed kewl n go tel gia so teh cn bcum chrisan wicnas 2!!!!

If you can even understand that, then…motherfuck. It’s my policy that one shouldn’t claim to be a member of a religion if they can’t even spell it properly. When I informed him that he was urine in the gene pool, he called me “a fukin retart,” whatever the fuck that is.

Onward to the use of sarcasm.

Before I go any further- if you can’t tell when I’m being sarcastic, I have to ask how you can remember to breathe.

In my signature on all public forums, I have a disclaimer saying that “Taking me seriously may result in you looking like an ass.” One would expect that that is a clear warning that I’m clearly being a sarcastic attention whore, especially when coupled with something like this:

All Wiccans are a bunch of Satan-worshipping commie homosexuals.

Doesn’t the sarcasm just slap you upside the head like a wet trout? If so, be proud of yourself. You don’t fail at the Internet, unlike this mental giant:

Damn .. are you stupid or somthing, Chew no this fox boy. It all started when wicca was a culture way back in the A.D's they bleaved in a femail god, but christians didnt like that idea. So the christians decided to destroy them. Now, if you think they all worship the devil or "satan" for that matter you have a wrong misconception if what the spiritual meaning to Wicca. Some would stress to empsise on this because they are throw beliefs from day one with out ever realizing the truth.. Have you ever wonderd about the truth?

The fuck? After he repeatedly flamed me for actually knowing more about his professed religion than he did, I returned fire.

1. Use grammar and spelling. If you're going to try to prove me stupid to others, try to not look like a n00b when you do so, m-kay?

2. We're still in the Anno Domini Nostri Iesu Christi, better known as "In the Year of Our Lord Jesus Christ." It's currently 2005.

3. Wicca is a religion, not a culture. God, where did you get your information? ?

4. I believe that one should find their own truth. Whatever religion they pick is fine with me- if they know a single damn thing about it. Which you clearly don't.

Also, I must ask you- what coven do you belong to? How long have you been practicing? Do you know the name of the founder of Wicca?

The mostly-one sided war continued.

Him: You dont have a clue "pal" your saying first off that every wiccan is a commie homosexual

Me: You wouldn't recognize sarcasm if it danced naked in front of you.

Him: you discredit the fact that the wicca religion is certianly older then we could have predicted.. turns out some other religion saw wicca as a threat because of its ways in the old days,

Me: Guess what? Christianity, Judaism, and Islam are all older than Wicca. By hundreds if not thousands of years. FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, WICCA WAS CREATED IN THE 1950'S.

Him: now as far as my spelling, well im a bad speller so sue me. and by your reaction you know what im typing other wise you would have told me about it before, Im shure..

Me: Well, no shit I know what you're trying to say. But I'd rather rape my eyes with boiling semen than read your n00bspeak.

Instead of actually replying to my points, he somehow managed to get me from “little hope for humanity” to “actively cheering for its downfall”

Him: Ok you can just get killed.. for the "n00b" statment....takes out a pistol and cocks the chamber to put a titanium explosion tip in the barrel... Aims for the head. Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang! as the shells cling to the floor theres noting left of your body, only blood, organs, and brain matter (wasent veary much of by the way)

Quick, Logical Fallacy Man! To the Ironymobile!

Me: 1. "You fail at roleplaying." Mingan laughed, shoving another sour cream potato chip in his mouth. "Firstly, one should never use asterisks when denoting an action." He rolled his eyes. "All literate roleplayers know this." He masticated his chips with a thoughtful expression on his face. "Ow! Wisdom tooth again!" he muttered, running off to the bathroom to numb his lower jaw.

2. A .45 caliber handgun has a lot of recoil. Oh, and to aim a handgun takes accuracy. Pretty much the only thing you would do is miss, miss badly, miss more times, and drop the gun from the weight and recoil. Honestly, you really do fail. Oh, and if the gun misfires, then you’re fucked.

My .22 Trailside Standard would be more effective than your hand-cannon. I'd actually hit you.

God. If that doesn’t tell you something about the future of society…

Someday, one of you fuckers is going to be my lawyer, my doctor, my midget butler, or my ninja who juggles flaming chainsaws. I mean, what the fuck?

I supposed that in the end, I’ll just have to work on accepting the level of stupidity in humanity. Or become a mass murderer.

Oh, and if you haven’t been offended yet, then here you go:

A French, elderly, homosexual, interracial couple are making out in the front seat of their gas-guzzling SUV with a Bush bumper sticker on the back while waiting for food at McDonalds.

Say what part of that offended you the most in your comments.