I felt more alone that night than I ever had before. Joe was gone, Bryan didn't give a shit if I lived or died, my friends were off in their own little worlds. Warren was probably off asleep somewhere, Cryssy was pregnant and didn't give a fucking shit what happend to me. Beki was off with Steffi probably smoking something again, and all I felt was the lonliness taking over.

I thought the Prozac would be enough to save me from myself..but it's not. I'm slipping back into that old familiar rhythm of depression. I thought that the anti-depressants could save me from my thoughts, from suicide and self-loathing. All they did was give me a craving for human communication and cause cutting to not be enough to escape. I thought that maybe, just maybe, I had finally found the solution to my problems. I didn't think I'd ever feel the restlessness that this causes again, but yet here I am, fighting to keep walking on a floor that's cracking.

Joyce seems to think that locking me away in a hospital will save me...make me better. It won't save me though, it'll only make this feeling worse. The restless, lonely, dead feeling. All the therapy, the drug samples, the EMDR...It didn't do SHIT for me. I switched from cutting to my eating disorder because of that bullshit, and she thinks she's suuuuuuuuch a big fucking help. Making cheap thrills won't save me anymore...

I wish I could just go back to when I was younger...When scraping my elbow was the worst thing that ever happened to me. Grandma would kiss it and make it all better, and that was the last of it. I was okay. It's not the same anymore...Now it takes drugs, taking off for hours at a time for no fucking reason, and tons of hours of sleep to keep me even slightly sane. It's not fucking fair!

It was like riding up to the top of a roller coaster, and then stalling at the top. Just stuck there in fucking midair. There was the future, that spiral down the track, and the past, the way we had come before. But I couldn't go either fucking way, because I'm stuck up there. Life, death, friends, family, pets...Nothing was bringing me down from the top. It was almost as though I was fucking praying for some natural disaster to occur, and to crush me to nothing. A tree falling, lightning striking me, being eaten by an animal....anything. Nature wasn't listening to me.

The thought of slitting my wrists was almost like a soft sweet lullaby...Not quite sweet enough to lull me off to sleep though. Nothing seemed right...

No matter how much I kept myself locked away in my own little world, outside of my bedroom door were still all those fucking horrors that scared me to death. The school was still out there about my education, my brother was still screaming at me for something I supposedly did, my mother really had abandoned me, my boyfriend was thousands of miles away, much to far to hold me at the time I thought I would die without his touch. My childhood teddy bear didn't hold enough comfort anymore, my pets didn't calm me down or get me to sit still, the kids from my old class were still out there talking about me. Tiffany was hurt and dying inside as much as I was, and I couldn't do a damn fucking thing to help her.

I knew it would all end up blowing up right back in my face, but I didn't know how to battle it anymore. The sweet bliss of anti-depressants had worn off, and I was left in the same place I had been before they came along. Reality.