Sarah McLachlan's "Angel" plays from the speakers as I rock back and forth in my chair. It keeps saying "In the arms of an angel, Fly away from here. From this dark hotel room, and the emptiness that you fear." I don't think anyone can begin to understand how well that fits me right now...My angel isn't here though. He's three thousand miles away, over an ocean, sleeping at a friends house, and I'm here in my room all alone. Tears are threatening to run down my cheeks, and closing my eyes tightly only brings back memories. Such beautiful music... The soft melody sends shivers down my spine, and tears cloud my vision. Where's my angel?

The room seems so big tonight...Surrounded by poetry, friends pictures, pets, and bookshelves, it's still too empty. I know what's missing...I just don't know how to add it. It's so cold without him here...Air currents coming up from the hole in the floor. The bed even looks empty and lonely. The soft blue futon with yellow trim that leans up like the top of a couch...That's his spot.

I thought he'd come online today...but I never saw him. It almost feels as though someone took a shard of ice, stabbed it through where my heart would be, and the cold sunk into the empty space. Watching couples makes me want to cry harder...He's not here, and I don't know when I'll see him again. I asked him the other day if he had any clue as to what I would give to curl up in his lap and lean against his chest...He didn't know. Feeling arms wrapped around you is so comforting...My own personal security blanket. But he's not here...Oh no.

I know I screwed up yesterday, but I still want him to hold me...that's all I need...I don't need sleep, I don't need music, I don't need a computer. All I need is to feel his arms around me holding me to him. It'll be three months soon...and I need physical touch. I never wanted it before...never longed for it, but now I do, and it hurts. I want him here, in my bedroom to sleep with me...To wipe away my tears and hold me close when I'm crying. To use one of his random comments to get me to smile when I want to disappear...Just to hold me and let me know that everything will be okay.

I wish I didn't feel so alone...There are goosebumps all down my arms and legs from the cold, and my eyes keep filling with tears. It's times like these that memories can strip a person to the bone. Going Christmas shopping for friends, only worrying about getting home to talk to him. I left my ex for him...I'm still LIVING because of him. I saw the picture he took of our bed today, and I just broke down crying...It seemed almost close enough for me to touch, but when I reached my fingers out, all they felt was cold glass. The first time he really kissed me took my breath away...I still remember exactly how I felt. His theory about turning into a pickle kept me from eating pickles for three months because I was afraid I would eat him. I was so proud when I ate two on Christmas...

I watched my world fall to pieces as we fought...the worse it got, the more things crumbled. Everywhere I look is covered in shards...How are we going to put them back together? Just hold me and say everything is okay, and I know things will snap right back into place. I never thought I'd feel so alone again...so lost. When I lost the first one, it about killed me...And even though I haven't lost you, that helplessness is back.

I recieved a letter in the mail this morning from a friend of mine, and it almost made me cry reading it.

"She shines

In a world of ugliness

She matters

When everything is meaningless

Fragile

She doesn't see her beauty

She tries to get away

Sometimes,

It's just that nothing seems

Worth saving

I won't watch her slip away,

i I won't let you fall apart."

She wrote that on a black piece of paper in silver pen...The first thing that entered my mind was "Maybe thats how he sees me...." I wanted to ask him, I wanted to know...but I didn't get the chance today. If those are really just lyrics to a song, then why did it affect me so greatly? It was almost a slap in the face saying that people really do give a shit about me whether I see it all the time or not.

Maybe that is how he thinks about me....Maybe one day I'll have my angel hold me in his arms...Maybe someday I'll even get lucky, and I'll be his angel too.

i I know I hurt you...I wish I could take it all back...God I wish I could, but I can't. I love you so much...It doesn't matter what dad thinks, what my friends think...I love you more than anything else, and I can't lose you. I'll die without you Warren...This is all about you...every ounce of it. It's about what's been going through my mind since you fell asleep yesterday and Craig signed off of your name. I miss you more than you can possibly understand....I wish you were here to make all the pain disappear and put a smile back on my face.

Tam