By working with children, I’ve learned things more important than you could ever know. I would hazard a guess that not even the queen of England knows these important and necessary things, and that’s okay. I felt like sharing the wealth, because kids are just so amazing and it would be awful for me not to share my knowledge. So here you are.

Things Children Have Taught Me

The song “We Will Rock You” does not go “somebody better put you back into your place”, but “somebody better put your bag into your face”.

Nobody under the age of ten likes mustard.

They all, however, adore ketchup, and will spill it all over themselves if given the opportunity.

Carrot sticks are only edible if they have ranch dip to accompany them.

Friendship can withstand a hurricane, tornado or blizzard, but if your best friend starts hanging out with a boy more than you, it’s time for them to go.

When parents pick you up, it’s not “what child is yours?” but “what child do you belong to?”. What’s even worse, they all understand it.

All female children with the following names are innately evil: Claire, Elizabeth, Emily, Alexandr(i)a, Taylor.

All male children with the following names are even more evil: Ricky, Terry, Casey, Nathan, Justin.

If a computer’s broken, you can still sit in front of it and hit the spacebar repeatedly, because that’s what makes them work.

Glasses and braces are cool.

Glow in the dark braces don’t work. We’ve tried. Twice. And all we got was burned on the light bulb.

Music is more important than anything else in the world.

Pool is the most important game in the world.

If I called dibs on it, its mine.

If I didn’t call dibs on it, but I hit you, it’s mine.

If I cry because I didn’t dibs anything, it’s certainly not mine.

Cleanliness isn’t really next to godliness.

Kool Aid really does wash out.

Children don’t know what ‘special education’ means, and they treat those kids the same way they would any other kid.

Comic books are cool.

Teachers are only a secondary measurement: hit the person you have problems with first, then tattle.

I’m not a teacher, I’m a teenager.

Kids are what you make them out to be: it can either be the best job, or the worst job. It’s entirely up to you.

Kindergarteners are smart.

Parents of evil children are really nice.

Parents of nice children have evil, evil parents.

World issues don’t matter: if I have my best friend, a good snack, and a board game lined up for me within the next hour, I can weather any storm.