CHAPTER FORTY

WHICH TO BURY, US OR THE HATCHET

Sydney made her way back into the room with the others, where they still had to talk to the reporter. She was hoping she would get a chance now to clear Walker’s name. It was the reporter’s job to get to the truth, right? She took a seat and waited for the reporter to begin.

“I was hoping I could speak to you all individually as well.”

“No chance in hell,” said Kevin quickly. “We had to talk to the investigator one and one, we didn’t have a choice. That’s not the case with you, so we’re sticking together.”

The reporter looked surprised, but didn’t argue. “Okay then. Well, I’ll just dive right in. Sydney, right?” He looked up at her.

“Yeah.”

“Is it true that you were arrested for prostitution before coming to this school?”

Sydney was completely floored. It was the last question she had expected to come out of the reporter’s mouth.

“What the hell does that have to do with anything?” Fin asked, sitting up in his seat.

“Just a question.” The reporter turned back to Sydney. “Well?”

“Um...I…I’d rather not comment on that.”

“Is it true that Matthew Walker offered to pay you for sex?”

“What?” This was getting so out of hand. Sydney had no idea where people were coming up with these ideas or why, but it was ridiculous and hurtful, and she wished they would stop.

The reporter leaned forward in his chair. “Did he pay you for sex?” he asked in a stern voice, as if thinking that Sydney didn’t understand the question.

“Hey, leave her alone,” Fin said protectively. “Back the hell off.”

The reporter ignored him. “Are you going to answer the question?”

“No, he never paid me for sex.”

“But you admit that the two of you had sex then?”

Sydney felt completely flustered. She knew no matter what she said, this reporter was going to spin his own version of the story. She had no idea what to say. She didn’t think just answering ‘no’ would put an end to it.

“Enough,” said Fin, stepping in. “Just drop it. None of its true so just leave her the fuck alone you fucking cunt. Got it?”

Sydney had never heard such vulgar language come out of Fin’s mouth.

The reporter looked at Fin, obviously irritated and angry. “Hey, I’m not talking to you, asshole, I’m talking to your whore of a girlfriend right here!”

Fin flew at the guy. Everyone jumped out of their seats and out of the way as Fin tackled the reporter to the ground. He managed to pin the guy and then started punching him in the face. When he felt that he had done enough, he held the guy down by the shoulders and spoke. “Apologize!”

“What? You’re crazy!”

“Apologize to her right now or I’ll fucking beat you into a bloody pulp!”

“Fine, fine. I’m sorry! I’m sorry, okay?”

Fin spat on the guy and then stood up. A counselor came into the room. “Are things about….”she trailed off when she saw the condition the reporter was in. “What the hell happened?”

“He slipped and fell,” said Kevin. “Right guys?”

Fin hid his bloody hand behind his back as everyone consented to what Kevin said.

“No, I didn’t! That guy hit me!” the reporter pointed to Fin.

“No, he didn’t,” said Kevin.

“I didn’t see it,” said Brooke.

“Okay, kids, why don’t you just get out of here? We’ll talk about this later.”

The Larks all filed out of the room.

That night, Sydney walked out to the gazebo, her head full of thoughts she couldn’t manage. Fin was there when she arrived. She figured he would be. She took a seat next to him.

“I’m sorry about earlier,” said Fin. “I just…I couldn’t let him talk to you like that.”

“Its okay, Fin. I appreciate it, actually. It reminded me of when Bruce showed up here. You said then that you had to step in, because I needed you. You did the same today. I know it’s probably wrong of me to encourage you in attacking random reporters, but its kind of something I always loved about you. You’re the sweetest guy, until someone is hurting a person you care about. Then you take action.”

“Unless I’m the one hurting them,” said Fin.

Sydney lowered her head. “Yeah.”

“I felt like I needed to be punished, for what happened to Alec.”

Sydney looked up at Fin in surprise. “What?”

“I thought I needed to be punished. I just kept thinking, ‘I haven’t suffered enough yet.’”

“Fin, what happened to Alec isn’t your fault.”

“I don’t believe that. But I think I’m starting to come to terms with it, little by little.”

“There’s nothing you could have done,” said Sydney, echoing the words that had been spoken to her. “Alec needed to stand up for himself. He wouldn’t have let you help him. You made him realize that he didn’t want to be the person he was. You helped him so much, Fin. Alec loved you. He would never blame you for this. And you know he would kick you for even thinking this way.”

“Yeah, that’s true. He would tell me to stop being so conceited or something and get over myself.” Fin laughed.

“Exactly.”

“I’m still not convinced, but thank you for saying that,” said Fin. He looked up at her and smiled.

Sydney saw the real Fin in that smile. The one that she had lost and couldn’t seem to find again. He was there in that smile, and she wanted him so badly. It must have shown on her face, because Fin leaned forward and kissed her. Sydney didn’t fight him at first. She lost herself in the desire.

But as things grew more passionate, Sydney found a moment of sanity. She broke away from Fin and moved to the other side of the gazebo. “Uh, God, this is so fucked up, Fin!”

Sydney sat down and leaned back against the bench, looking up at the ceiling. “It would have been really nice to talk to you about Alec sooner.”

“I know.”

“I really needed you then.”

“I needed you too.”

Sydney sat upright again, needing to vent her frustration. “Then why didn’t you just call or write or come see me or something? You promised that we would make it work, Fin.” Sydney cursed the tears that came to her eyes. She was so tired of crying, she felt like she did it every day.

“I know I did. I fucked up, Sydney. I can’t explain it away. I can’t make you feel any better about it. That’s all it is. I thought I could handle anything, and then Alec died, and I obviously couldn’t. That’s all there is.”

“What am I supposed to do with that, then?”

Fin took a seat next to her. “The only thing you can do is forgive me. And if you can’t do that, then there isn’t any hope for us.”

“I have no idea if I’m capable of that. I feel like there are two of you. There’s the Fin that I love that’s so wonderful and treats me so well, and then there’s the addict Fin, who does stupid shit and hurts me all the time and can’t get his life together. Everyone always told me that I didn’t understand that you were a different person when you were on drugs. I get it now.”

“Sydney, I’m never going to be that guy again.”

Sydney shook her head. “You can’t know that.”

“But I do.”

“How?”

Fin turned towards her, and took a moment to collect his thoughts. Although his body was turned towards her, he kept looking around as he spoke, as if he was drawing inspiration for his words from the things around him. “You know how they say a drug addict can only turn their life around once they’ve hit rock bottom? Well, I thought I had before. I was so wrong. Even after all the terrible shit I did, after the overdose, everything, I never really lost anything. I knew my life was better without drugs; I liked myself better without them. And I was doing well in staying off them. But I never felt as sure of myself as I do now. Its like I’m on a whole other level now. I feel it in the depths of my soul. Its really over now.”

“What’s changed?”

“I’ve really hit rock bottom now. I have felt the true despair that my life on drugs actually causes me. I’ve realized all I have to lose and I never, ever, want to go through it again.”

Sydney was still confused. What had brought on this profound epiphany? “I don’t get it. What’s different this time?”

“I thought it was obvious.” Fin looked Sydney in the eye. “This time I lost you.”

Sydney’s heart gave a tug. “Fin….”

“This is it, Syd. You have to decide. I’ve said all I can say. You know where I stand. The only question is now…can you get past it all?”

Sydney wanted more than anything to say yes, but she wasn’t in that place. She shook her head and looked at the floor, unable to meet Fin’s eyes. “I don’t know how to go back.”

“Then move forward.”

“I can’t do that either. I don’t think I can get past it, Fin. As much as I want to pretend I can, as much as I still love you, I can’t do it.”

“Okay.”

Sydney took a sideways glance at him. He looked crestfallen. “Fin, I do love you. But this isn’t gonna work.”

“I get it.” Fin gave a sad smile. “Its okay, Syd.”

“But what we had was good, right? For a time?”

“It was amazing. And I’m really sorry I fucked it up.” Fin stood up. He looked out at the water for a moment, and then left the gazebo.

Sydney stayed behind, feeling like she couldn’t move. She drew her knees to her chest and stared out at the water, thinking about all that had happened since she came to Ledger. She had never thought that things would end up like this in a million years, but she had to admit, that no matter what happened, she was better here than she had ever been in her whole life. And that, she had a sinking suspicion, was what they called progress.

So its about that time again. The new semester is starting, which means working extra shifts so I can buy my books, and packing up my stuff to move back into my apartment at school. Lots to do, lots to do! So basically what I'm saying is that I haven't had much writing time lately, so you may find that I'm updating this story slower than before. But I am planning on finishing it soon. There are only a handful of chapters left, and I think I'll definitely have it done sometime in September, so I won't just let it die off. That's all. Thanks for reading!