THE MYSTERIOUS

MUSTACHE MEN II

The Curse

Of the

WALRUS MUSTACHE

By

Emily Beacon

Inspired

By

The

FIRST

Mysterious Mustache Men

Story

DUH!

The dark of night had settled upon the half of the world that our story takes place in. Emily and Tanya, the leaders of the secret cult of hot guys, Mysterious Mustache Men, were sleeping snug in their newly modeled popcorn room. Not a care in the world was going through their heads (because really, when you’re asleep, does it matter that you forgot to recharge your grandmother’s pace maker?). But above their underground hideout, it was quite different.

In a dark alley, behind mounds of steaming trash and rusty green dumpsters, huddled a small hunched over figure. It giggled devilishly as it hopped joyfully from side to side. “Oho! Yes! Won’t de mastew be pwoud of wittle me!” It whispered gleefully. He held up a small box above its head in triumph. “Oho! YES!! I fwinally got my Hooked on Phonics package! But more importantwy!” Setting the box down he pulled a smaller package out from under his grubby jacket. He glanced behind him to make sure no one was watching.

A weasely grin spread across his lips as he ran his fingers across it. “Ah, yes! Now we will show dose twoublwing wittle Mustache Men what evow” (apparently that was supposed to be “evil”) “is weally like! Oops!” He dropped the package and it rolled from his hands towards the street. It rolled right into a walking man’s foot. He bent down and picked it up. The little hunched figure who was called Quinkle, gasped and through his hood up over his head so as to cover up his face. He ran forward as fast as he could, which was more of a waddle than a run.

“Dat would be mwine, if woo pwease!”

“Oh, sorry, here you go.”

“Tank woo very much.”

“Ha, Martin’s Malevolent Mustaches, didn’t even know was legal anymore.”

“Well, it is, so-

“Yep, Martin’s. Hey, don’t they only sell evil stuff?”

“I-

“You could be arrested for stuff like that.”

“Well-

“But I guess I could be arrested for what I did in high school through collage.”

“What?”

“Yep, no one knew that I was hot knifing-

“Uh-

“Oh, I’m almost ashamed to say it.”

“Than don-

“I was hot knifing shampoo in the bathrooms.”

“Woo awe inswane.”

“All that watermeloney goodness.”

Unable to stand it any longer, Quinkle, clutching his package from Martin’s Malevolent Mustaches to his chest, slipped away into the alley, leaving the man talking to himself about Dove conditioner. Once huddled behind his dumpster once more, Quinkle resumed his evil laughing, his highpitched voice echoing around the alley: “Aheeheeeheeheeeheeeeheeheee, SNORT, AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAaheeheeee eeeheeeheeeeeeeeeeeeeheeeheheheheheheheheheeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!”

“Tanya! Tanya! Wake up! It’s Christmas!” Emily cried into sleeping Tanya’s ear. Tanya at bolt right up. “REALLY?!?!?!?” She cried excitedly grabbing her knees and bouncing up and down. Emily watched or a moment than slowly said, “No, not really.” Disappointed Tanya slumped down on top of a buttery kernel. “I’m not in the mood for popcorn this morning.” She sighed.

“What are you in the mood for?”

“Goats milk and cotton with some nylon on top.”

“I think we’re out of cotton and nylon, but how about… FRENCH TOAST WITH SOME DRYER LINT?”

“YYYEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAH!! Uh, you know I was kidding about the cotton and nylon.”

“Oh… ahem… Well I…uh…was kidding about the … um… drier lint…uh…too.”

Crawling over a salty corn of pop, Emily searched for the small bell that she and Tanya were told to use if they needed anything. Finding it under a large assortment of Caramel popcorn she rang it mercilessly. With a swishing zipping sound, seven hot Mysterious Mustache Men (all wearing their morning mustaches) appeared. Each carrying a tray with a many assortment of breakfast foods on them.

“Good morning, Gerrykins!” Emily cried running up and jumping into Gerard Butler’s arms. “Good morning my most highly loved majesty!” He answered smiling. “HEY!!” Roared Tanya from the side, “Where’s Hughy?” Gerard set Emily down carefully and cleared his throat nervously. “Um, Tanya, right now is not a good time for Hugh.” He began. Pouting, she crossed her arms across her chest, “Why not?”

Emily and Gerard exchanged nervous glances. “Well, you see, under certain circumstances, being what they are…”

“ANSWER ME!”

“Hugh’s doing something slightly private at the moment…”

“WHAT?”

“Hugh’s doing something slightly private at the moment…”

“NO!! I MEAN WHAT IS HE DOING?!”

“He’s doing something private at the moment…”

“I KNOW THAT!! BUT WHAT IS IT?”

“Something private.”

Biting her lip Emily slowly walked over to Tanya. “Did Hugh ever tell you about his strange obsessions?” She asked. Tanya thought for a moment. “Yes.” She said stoutly, “HE told me how he likes to sing to his rubber ducky in the bathtub (AS DO I!) and that he has this weird thing about rubbing his face against yellow walls (AS DO I, maybe!).” Blinking in surprise Emily shook her head, “Uh, no, did he say anything about Cookie?”

With a large gasp, Tanya jumped to her feet and cried, “HIS CROSSDRESSING STEP MOTHER WHO HE HAD A CRUSH ON IN SECOND GRADE?! Where is the bitch?! I rip her-

“NO!” Gerry and Emily cried in unison. “Don’t bring her up ever again!” Gerry whispered. He sat down; hugging his knees, and began rocking back and forth. “Such… bad… memories…” He whispered as he stared into space. “Cookie, what he does during the full moon!” Kevin from the Back Street Boys explained slightly from his spot holding a tray of Honey Nut Cheerio Muffins.

“He’s never told me about anything like this! I know!” Tanya announced, “I’ll find out myself!” She ran from the room, ignoring everyone’s cries of protest and warning. Hurrying towards Hugh’s house Tanya gasped to see wispy gray smoke rising from the chimney and French singing coming from inside.

“Les bisquite! LES BISQUITE! How I LOVE les bisquite! How I love little succulent-

BANG! Tanya through herself through the door (which was stupid because the door was unlocked) and gasped at the sight she saw within. “Hugh… what are you DOING?” She cried in shock. “Well… I…” Hugh stuttered. Flour was on his nose and he wore a pink apron with hearts covering it and lace lining the sides. On his head was a chef’s hat, tilted slightly to the right. In his hands he held a bowl with some chocolate chip cookie dough inside and a wooden spoon.

“I’m sorry I never told you Tanya, but… I love making cuddly little cookies! Look at these ones! I call them, Johnnies!” He held up a whicker basket with a bright pink bow tied to the top. Inside sat an assortment of sprinkled heart shaped cookies and icing covered flower shaped cookies. “They smell like roooses!” Hugh cried delightedly and began to unconsciously stir the chocolate chip cookie dough. “Why are they called Johnnies?” Tanya asked taking a cookie from a baking sheet and nibbling it cautiously. “Because they were inspired by Johnny Depp!” Hugh grinned happily, “He just LOVES them!”

An awkward silence set in over the pair. Tanya looked as if she was fighting something in her mind. “Uh… there’s another apron and chef’s hat if you want to help me bake.” Hugh said staring at his feet. Tanya jumped ecstatically up and down crying, “YES!! COOKIES!! LETS MAKE COOKIES TOGETHER!!”

Emily and Gerry watched in each other’s embrace as Tanya and Hugh danced around the small hut mixing different ingredients in many assortments of bowls. “Well, you better go get ready for your tango lesson.” Emily sighed patting Gerard on the back, “I have to go shopping for some Goodnights for Johnny. I tell you, that boy will NEVER learn!” With a farewell kiss, they parted, Gerry to go strap on some leotards and Emily to awkwardly wander a store carrying a package of disposable underwear under her arm.

None of them noticed Johnny Depp as he began walking towards the door, singing to himself about a sale at Bloomingdale’s and pressing his mustache gently to his upper lip. Having watched GOOD MORNING GAY SHOPPER that morning, Johnny planned to hit all the major designer stores that day. As he carried a bag from a store called HIS & HIS Johnny made his way down the street. A small hunched figure tailed him quickly. Than, just as Johnny was about to go inside a store called PRETTY AND PINK he slipped a small package inside Johnny’s shopping bags. A small package from Martin’s Malevolent Mustaches.