“We have much to discuss, Professor Demuto.” A voice in the darkness said calmly. Hugh Demuto froze in horror as the front door of his apartment slowly swung shut behind him, leaving him in complete darkness except for the faint glow of a cigar where he was fairly sure his couch should be. The voice addressing him was the voice of a man in complete and utter control. Its words were spoken confidently and calmly, annunciating every syllable carefully and crisply. And there was not a single sound that didn’t sound like a veiled threat, no matter how innocent the actual words used were.

“Who are you, and how did you get into my home?” Demuto questioned the Voice, all the while aware that there was someone standing directly behind him, guarding the door. He knew there was a window across the room, and he wondered to himself how best he could reach it.

“First, Professor Demuto, we must ensure that we have not entered the wrong house, lest things become unnecessarily hairy. Now, you are Professor Hugh Demuto, famed biologist and prolific advocate of the theory of evolution, correct?”

The Voice inquired. Demuto hesitated for a moment, wondering whether or not he could lie his way out of the situation at hand. Right as he was about to inform the intruder that he was just a simple gardener named Esteban Brown, The Voice spoke again.

“And we suggest that you do not lie, Professor Demuto. We do not take kindly to deception.”

Sighing, Demuto fessed up. “Yes, yes I am Hugh Demuto. Now what is it you want? This isn’t some sort of religious thing, is it? Or do you want money? I can pay whatever you gentlemen want, please, if we could just handle this as civilly as possible, I-“

“Professor Demuto do not insult us with accusations of thievery. We are not common criminals, nor are we bound by such foolish impulses as religious zealotry. This is a matter of pride.”

Demuto’s heartbeat accelerated. Anyone willing to break into his home over a matter of pride was bound to be crazy. “Pride?” He questioned. “Look, there’s got to be some sort of mistake. Whoever you are, I haven’t done anything to insult anyone enough for such severe measures to be-“

The Voice sighed. “It is clear that you do not understand. Macaco, perhaps you should get the light.” Whatever Macaco was, it didn’t reply, but Demuto felt something intimidatingly large shift behind him, and he blinked as the lights in his apartment flickered on. He then proceeded to blink several more times, as he took in the figure with the cigar.

Sitting in the leather recliner in front of Demuto was a Chimpanzee, calmly smoking a cigar and wearing a fine yellow sports coat. “I believe this ought to help explain part of the problem, Professor Demuto.”

Demuto found himself wishing the lights had revealed a salivating madman in a hockey mask, or a famous mafia Don, or any of a million other things he was more prepared to handle to than a talking monkey. He searched desperately for any sort of appropriate response to the situation at hand, and realizing that there was none, he decided to wing it.

“I’m not guessing this is a joke?” He asked pathetically.

“Does Macaco seem terribly funny to you, sir?” The Chimpanzee asked. Demuto looked over his shoulder, to see a tremendous gorilla wearing army fatigues and a flight helmet. It bared its teeth, and Demuto found himself regretting the day he ever learned what it means when an ape smiles.

“Alright then. So it’s not a joke. So… what exactly is it you want? I mean, you’re monkeys, that’s a tough gig, and you’re obviously doing quite well with it, but what does that have to do with breaking into my house and rattling off nonsense about pride?”

The Chimpanzee brushed a fleck of cigar ash contemptuously onto Demuto’s shoes. The cigar smoke smelled strongly of banana. “Let me see if I cannot make this as simple as possible to you, Professor Demuto. Now, why were you out of the house this evening?”

“I… I was at a debate. A local school district was considering eliminating evolution from their science classes, and as an expert it was my job to argue against it. But what does that have to do with anything? I still don’t see how I insulted-”

“Professor Demuto, imagine you had the misfortune of being associated with the most loathsome individual you can think of. Let us say that this individual is of sub-par intelligence, unquestionable malice, and dubious hygiene. And that their unpleasant features are so great, that everyone else within your primitive little social circle has decided to simply ignore them the best they can and try their best to pretend that they do not exist. Now imagine that this utterly loathsome individual, who has not taken kindly to this shunning I might add, has decided to go around to all of your more tolerable associates and not only claim that you and he are related, but to also go so far as to claim himself to be a vastly more charming person than you. Would you not be the slightest bit irritated?”

Demuto processed this information for a moment. His first reaction was surprise. His second was sympathy. His third was incredulous outrage.

“You frolic in your own feces!!!” He found himself accusing the Chimpanzee, arms flailing in anger. “You hang about in jungles and you eat parasites off of each other and you live in trees and you masturbate in front of on-looking third graders at the zoo! And then you have the nerve to barge into my house making thinly veiled threats with a 400 pound gorilla and you dare accuse MY species of being an embarrassment!?”

“YOU barbarianshave The Holocaust and sadists and Vanilla Ice! As many bad habits as my people may or may not have, Professor Demuto, an argument of loathsomeness is not one you can win.”

Demuto shook his head, at this point too frustrated to be aware of the extra hefty primate standing behind him threateningly. “This is insane. This doesn’t make any sense. Monkeys don’t talk. I’m a biologist, I know that much. They don’t talk, and they don’t smoke, and they don’t break into people’s houses and accuse them of defamation of character.”

“A common misconception, Professor.” The Chimpanzee snarled. “And one that we are perfectly complacent allowing your kind to continue to operate under, but not if you insist upon dragging us down with you in your idiocy. Are you aware of the embarrassment this whole debacle has caused us? Meteorologists will accurately report monsoons of shaving cream before the Gazelles stop mocking us. And the cows are absolutely livid. Word has it that King Bovinus III is even considering declaring war against us for associating with such base creatures! All because you cannot remain quiet about a little bit of family history!”

Demuto sighed. “Look, I’m sorry that your pride is hurt, but what is it you want me to do?”

“We want you to publicly renounce your previous stance on the topic of evolution, and declare whatever crazed alternative you like the truth. We do not care what it is; blame it on Jesus, or time traveling genetic engineers, or cosmic flatulence for all we care. As long as you leave us out of it, all shall be well.” The Chimpanzee said.

“No. I can’t do that.” Demuto said firmly. The Chimpanzee looked ready to argue again, but Demuto cut him off. “I don’t care how badly your pride is hurt, or how difficult it is for your people to accept that they may share a helix or two with humanity. It’ll take some time to adjust, but I am not going to compromise the principles of science itself just because you can’t handle the truth.”

The Chimpanzee smirked. “Professor Demuto, I believe you misunderstand me.”

“Oh?” He said, relieved. He must have misheard something.

“Yes. You see, you seem to be operating under the assumption that you have a choice. In case you forgot, there IS a 400-pound gorilla standing behind you. A gorilla with enough power to use your spine to floss. A gorilla that will not take ‘no’ for an answer. Much as you do not care about our sense of pride, in the long run we do not care about whether or not it is honestly right or moral. All we care is that you do as we say.”

“But you can’t do that!” Demuto argued. “It’s not right! You’re an intelligent species, obviously! How can you do this? How can you neglect the truth so brazenly?”

The Chimpanzee simply shrugged, as he put on his coat and hat and headed for the doorway. He tipped his hat, said “400-pound gorilla.” And left, Macaco behind him. As the door slammed shut, Hugh Demuto sat down in an armchair covered in chimpanzee fur and mourned the death of reason.