It was raining. And Peter was too happy about it. I hated him for being cheerful. We had just left Saint Angela, our old grade school. On early dismissal days, the two of us had taken to bothering the living crap out of our old teachers until they made us leave. I was really beginning to think that I scared Mister Knox, my old English teacher. Mrs. Molchan, the old Science teacher, seemed to like the company. But, that may have been due to the fact that she was utterly insane.

Peter was wearing the same damn hoodie he wore every time I saw him, but for the life of me, I can never find a way to describe it. There was like a ghost or something on the back. Regardless, it was evil. I was wearing my Happy Noodle Boy tee shirt, because Peter hates it, and I like to bother him.

I sort of felt less awkward around him. He did not have his girlfriend with him, a girl named Katey who I had begun to refer to as the “loose atheist” because she was an atheist and I wanted to bother Peter even though it never did. The nickname stuck. (Actually, Lavrisha may have made it…) They had broken up, so I did not have to stand there all awkwardly while they kissed and stuff.

We walked, because Peter liked to watch me suffer. During my weekly “night out,” I had to walk. A lot. Too much, in fact. But, it was worth it. We would go to the mall, where I bothered the poor people that worked in Waldens, and probably see Doolan, who had actually attained adjective status because Peter and I are losers.

So, we went to the mall, where I bothered the Waldens people until they threw us out. I did buy a book there, and the lady acted like I was illiterate. Her name was Jenny or something, and she bothered me, because she was very rude.

I pestered Peter to call Doolan and Cory, because he had cell phone. He did, and there was joy even though Doolan decided not to answer his phone. We had to stay at the mall for about a half hour more, because I had to visit every single store and giggle at my own stupidity. I waited in a long line at The Limited Too and asked for change for a nickel. The lady stared at me and made me leave. Briefly, I considered filing a report at Customer Services to be a jerk.

After I finished my rounds at the store and retail people began to seriously consider suicide, Peter and I left to go to Cory’s house. Peter decided to be a jerk.

“Dude, there’s this huge rave tonight. Didn’t you hear about it?” Peter asked.

I told him I did not.

“Man, it’s gonna be huge. Gonna be fun. Everyone’s going to be there. Dancing girls in cages and everything. Goths everywhere. Jhonen Vasquez’ll be there. It’s gonna be up at Bohlken.”

I find it oddly depressing that I believed him for more than fifteen minutes.

We arrived at Cory’s house after a little while of me begging Peter to tell me the truth about the supposed rave. Cory was with some kid named Johnny. I really hated Johnny, because he honestly thought he was really funny and somehow going to out-jackass me.

“So, you’re fat, huh?”

I stared at him and came face-to-face with all of the stupid in the world. In his eyes, I was able to see nothingness. “Yeah, I am. I’m glad that it’s been established that you can see.”

Johnny’s smile faltered. He was wearing a baseball cap, and it pissed me off. He opened his mouth to speak, but I cut him off.

“Do me a favor, man. Write it down before you speak. We don’t want you to look stupid again, do we? Yeah, keep smiling like that. Your smile is like Terry Schiavo’s, but I bet hers was a bit more lucid. Why are you talking? Dude, come on, write it down.”

Yes, it was safe to say that if even my third-string insults could make the kid shut up, that I must have been God or Jesus. There is no other explanation.

He left a few moments later. I was happy that he left. The little bastard could not even skateboard. So then, Cory, Peter, some little redheaded girl that just sort of stared at me, and I sat on his porch with his annoying little dog for reasons that are still unknown to me. Redheads creep me out.

After I glared at this girl for having the audacity to be a new person in my presence, Cory’s mentally deficient dog somehow had gotten loose. It was stupid of them for being surprised. They loosely tied a leash around a pole; they did not strap him with metal or anything... Cory, Peter, and the little-girl-whose-name-I-don’t-care-about acted as though the dog had single-handedly escaped from maximum-security prison. They stood up, with looks of hilarious confusion upon their faces, and ran after the stupid dog.

While they ran around and tried to catch the idiot animal, I took the opportunity to go into Cory’s house and take a can of pop from the refrigerator and a box of cookies from his cupboard. I walked outside drinking the can and watching them run around to try to catch the mentally handicapped doggy.

It stopped in front of me wagging its tail. I looked down. “Yeah, it’s here,” I called out. By the time they had come, the brain-dead animal had run away.

“Thanks a lot John,” Peter said, poking me a little.

“Welcome,” I replied with grotesquely fake cheer. The stupid individuals I thought of as friends repeated it a few times, until Peter or Cory caught the damn thing and shut it in the house where it belonged.

After putting away the stupid animal that should be put to sleep, we walked to the stoop and sat down. Peter and Cory wanted Jenny to talk to Katie. I told them I was not in the mood. They thought otherwise. Luckily, after a bit of us arguing, Katie called the nameless girl. I took the cell phone and let my voice rise a few octaves.

“Hi Katie. This is Jenny! I’m Jenny! And I’m tricky? Wanna know why!? ‘Cause I’m Jenny, and Jenny’s tricky, and I’m Jenny!” There was a pause as I listened to the annoying wench ask to talk to Doolan, who was not even there. “Your voice hurts Jenny’s ears. Jenny hates you know, and you will never have anymore babies! And no on will ever love you, because Jenny said so.” The line went dead. “You hang up on Jenny, didn’t you!?”

Peter and Cory laughed like idiots the entire time. I sort of smiled at them. A little bit later, I hitched a ride with Peter’s dad, after getting beaten to death at Halo while trying to ride something I called the boat. I really, really hate leaving my house.