Obsession

Maybe it was just my crazed mind playing tricks on me again, but even if it was I would still have the same reaction. I sit there, drooling, maybe my eyes half closed day dreaming of you…again and again.

People reading this may say something like ‘Right, whatever?’ I don’t bloody care.

I don’t know you, and I know if I did I would not feel the same. This…obsession I have right now for you- whom I don’t know.

Nearly everyday I see you, I take a few secret glances at you but I know that it would never be the other way around.

The only time you spoke to me made me blush furiously, made me jittery all over. I’m not a person who is great with words but I’m using all I can think of because of you.

The time you talked to me, smiled to me was an ordinary “Would you like some chocolate? It’s only two dollars…” for a fundraising thing. My friend was standing next to me, watching me say “No…I’m fine thanks.”

Sometimes I regret saying ‘no’ sometimes I daydream back to that time and I say ‘Yeah! Sure thing’ instead…maybe then we could’ve talked.

But I know it’s all fake. It’s all in my head, it’s my every imagination about you.

After you walk away knowing I don’t need the chocolate my friend turns to me and says ‘He’s cute.’ I smile goofily and nod. It was something I always do, but this time…it’s different. This time, my obsession lasted 3 months.

After that day, three other times I saw you, we walked passed and if you saw me and my friend you would smile back.

I sometimes wonder if it’s my friend you’re smiling at, she is after all a lot prettier than me.

After those three times, I didn’t see you as often now. Sometimes at rare occasions I do see you, sometimes a few times a week, or maybe just sometimes once.

These few times I have noticed things about you and secretly smiled to myself. Sometimes when wished are fulfilled, it will never feel the same again; the empty space which was filled with the wish is once again empty. A person needs the emptiness once in a while, but when greediness takes over…I talk on and on again about something I have no idea about, just because you’re on my mind again.

The thought of you somehow frustrates me, because I confuse myself of why do I even bother? It’s melancholy really…or maybe not…confusion takes part again.

After these few months I have given you a nick name…it might be childish but it let’s me feel as if I know you better than before which I don’t.

The nick name ‘Chocolate boy.’

The train station might not be the best place to fall in the sneaky trap of obsession, but then again it might be just a silly crush. I guess maybe even if you wanted to talk to me, I might turn away, because in reality my dreams do get broken, my heart does ache and my tears do fall painfully.

To my friends, they tell me to talk to you, to try to see if you would try and continue a conversation. To tell you the truth…I’m not ready for rejection.

Not long ago, I walked right past you, you were holding a phone. It might be delirious of me but at that exact moment I try to declare to myself that you are talking to your girlfriend.

It might not be real, but neither fake. There’s a fifty-fifty chance, and for some low self esteem reason, I bet myself to lose.

Everyday the train goes past, I would look at the people in the carriage hoping it was you, and when it was I couldn’t bring myself to sit anywhere much near you.

So here I am chanting about my addiction, my obsession, my crazed crush about you. This can be false but at the same time it can be real, it depends what you want to believe. Maybe you are just on my mind because you are part of the creation of the perfect man, or maybe I really do have this insanity feeling about you.

To stop thinking about you this moment is not possible, it would take all my energy, and perhaps even everything there is in this world to try and stop me, but unless I have had a memory loss- you’re still going to be there. You’re stuck in my mind, my heart… somewhere leading out to my eyes telling everyone about you, and my illusion of knowing you.

Thinking of you thinking about me, stupid of me?

Everyday i would be full of courage and say 'Today's the day! i'm talking to him!' and when i see you i'd say 'Maybe tomorrow...'

This is no where near the end, but yet it’s far away from the beginning. When is it going to stop? Ask my heart, my brain which would agree and tell you the same answer, something it rarely does, ‘I don’t know…’

This is starting to get annoying maybe, maybe even ‘stalker-ish’ but since when was stalking not part of a crazed obsession?

REVIEW? thanks!