Enter Akiva on stage looking harassed, he sits down on the stage, his legs dangling down the side and starts to talk to the audience.

Akiva: My name is Akiva Goldhammer, and I suffer from schizophrenia, well, suffer isn’t quite the word. I’ve had it since I was about 14, and I knew what the voices were. My dad had it too so my mom explained it all to me when I was about 12. Now, I knew the voices weren’t real, but they were all so fascinating… I had always liked writing, not that I was any good at it, my characters never had depth and the plots were always mundane.

Now, these two things become very closely connected, how? I’m getting there! Oiy vhay, hold on will you? Right, as I was saying, I was about 14, when my teacher had noticed I was struggling in class, and he knew I liked writing. So he gave me some different assignments that catered more to my love of literature. I found myself trying to write one of those assignments and suffering from sever writers block. It had been getting steadily worse but I couldn’t even settle on one single word, and I was so desperate to do this man proud that it was nearly four in the morning when it happened.

Anna. She was my first voice, really very sweet. The girl next door type, the hot girl next door type he laughs She was trying to tell me to go to bed, when suddenly, it hit me, write about her. Now, all of my voices have had their own past, their own story to tell, so I found out what her’s was. Since then my voices have been my muses. Some don’t last very long, they sort of just go away after a while, Anna never did. There are a few other’s that don’t, or won’t, either…

The one I have the most love hate relationship with it Alexa-call-me-Alex. The love part comes from the fact that she’s completely fascinating As he’s talking Alex is walking on stage in the back boredly a real Amazon of the woman, so, she ends up in a lot of my writing. I do it professionally now. The hate comes from the fact that because she’s such a warrior princess-

Alex: Call me princess again and you won’t have much left to battle with she takes her sword and points it at him with a cool glare

Akiva: sighs My apologies Alex, because she’s such a warrior with so much to her, it’s hard to get her to do what I want in story lines. Other’s give me this problem too, but none so much as her.

Alex: Sorry that I’m not little miss sweet tempered Anna but-

Akiva: You’re not, I know. And I wouldn’t want you to be Anna. I already have an Anna, but I need you to stay Alex. he looks back to the audience I tried once before I fully embraced them to get medication to stop it all, but my Mom had published some of my writing without my consent, and the shrink really wasn’t getting it. After it happened four times I gave up and submitted fully to them all. It was rough….

Alex: I know this is about to sound off coming from me of all people, but, who are you talking to?

Akiva: Practising for my interview later

Anna at some point has come on stage as well

Anna: You really are getting your self too worked up over this Akiva she goes and wraps an arm around his shoulders from behind, he smiles and pats her arm

Akiva: Don’t worry doll, I’m fine she frowns but nods and lets go of him to take a seat in a chair by a table covered in papers Now, these two are always my leading ladies, or leading lady and leading villainess

Alex: looks to Anna I think he means you Anna laughs

Akiva: sighs and shakes his head or just general queen of sarcasm, but I always have a healthy male cast. There’s Seth he motions to off stage where Seth makes some sort of goofy entrance. If possible have him do a cartwheel or summersault He’s rather energetic, as you can see. The stereotypical class clown type.

Seth: He-ey! I am far from stereotypical! I won you awards!

Akiva: I’m well aware of that my friend.

Alex: Don’t feel bad Seth he called Anna a villainess

Seth: What? Sweet little Anna? No!

Alex: And me a leading lady

Anna: Seth you really shouldn’t be so ready to believe her you know she likes to pull people’s banana’s

Seth: I thought only boy’s had banana’s

Akiva: And that would be Seth for you. I have a lot of other male muses, and females for that matter, but, Seth is my default one as I’ve come to call him. Unlike Alex who sadly is also a default of mine, he’s pretty easy going so pretty easy to work with. As is Anna. But these are my three defaults, my three oldest, my three core, and my three favourites. Now, I find myself with another problem… he looks down a bit embarrassed

Alex: He’s been bullied into writing a children’s book from this jerk wad at work.

Seth: Who threatened to break his legs when he tried to refuse

Anna: It was so mean! Poor Kiv

Alex: So now poor Akiva has to write a kids book when normally he writes about people kill each other and other such things.

Seth: Alex always makes a great ruthless detective or murderer

Alex: I wish I could say you did either well

Anna: Alex!

Seth: Well ouch. You really know how to cut a guy down to size

Akiva: The fact that they do this helps me get through work days, they spend a lot of time bantering among themselves. Although Alex was encouraging me to rip the guys leg off and beat him over the head with it…

Seth: Is that even possible?

Alex: I could do it

Anna: Well you’re the she warrior here, not poor Kiv! You should go easier on him Alex!

Alex: Or, he should stop being such a pansy.

Anna: That isn’t a fair thing to say!

Alex: He has a banana he should use it Seth chokes back a laugh

Seth: Walks up and pimp style puts an arm around each girl Ladies, ladies, calm your selves, we have work to do! We need to come up with the plot of a children’s story!

Alex: No, Akiva needs to come up with a plot for a children’s story. We just help him along once he has a general concept. Dolt.

Akiva: And times like these it gets hard to concentrate because they can be quite distracting. Clear out you three he crumples up a ball of paper and throws it at one of them, they scatter off stage, Seth letting out of a gleefull shriek of ‘it’s the cops! Run!’. Akiva sighs, gets up and sits down at the table with the type writer that Anna had been sitting at. He stares at the thing hopelessly for a few moments, bangs his head on the table briefly and then starts to type, narrating to the audience what he writes Once upon a time… There was…. Uhm… There was a beautiful princess

Anna scurries on stage wearing a fancy blue dress and smiling sort of shyly

Akiva: And of coarse there was her prince charming

There are three possible entrances for Seth, have him either run out with his prince costume on wrong looking harassed and very rushed. Have him leap out on stage and posing heroically, realize he isn’t far enough on stage, glance around, and run the few paces to be more centre stage and re-poses. If possible have Alex push him out on a cart or on a skateboard with him posing all the while. Falling off of it or hopping off and the cart/skateboard ect taken back by Alex or kicked aside by Seth

Akiva: And, uhm, they were in love! Seth dashes forward, twirls and dips Anna but, ahhh, there, there was an evil witch! Alex comes out in her regular clothes and a witch hat and, she, uhm, kidnapped the princess!

Alex: Kidnapped the princess? Come on Kiv, you can do better then that.

Seth: Really, I mean, why is it Anna getting kidnapped as to me? Huh?

Akiva: Because that’s how it works!

Seth: And since when has that ever been a guide line for you? Come Alex! he leaps into her arms let us be off!

Alex: And why are you the one getting kidnapped?

Akiva: He’s not Anna is!

Anna: Well, Seth does seem much more willing to be kidnapped doesn’t he….

Akiva: Anna!

Seth: I’m getting kidnapped because I’m cuter, one, two, my kingdom has far more riches then Anna’s, who I am wedding out of love and to help her take care of her own country with mine’s abundance of riches. The witch needs money to buy a very rare and needed ingredient for her potion to give herself ever lasting youth.

Alex: You calling me old? She drops Seth to his feet

Seth: Plot devices my dear

Alex: I am not your dear

Seth: Plot devices my witch

Anna: You Can’t really argue with him on that, can you?

Alex: Quiet you. She glares and Anna, who holds her hands up and backs up a step Alright, come on Seth She grabs him by the ear and drags him off stage

Seth: Owowowowow Just have him go until he’s off stage

Anna and Akiva look at each other for a few moments before Akiva starts to type fervently narrating things out loud again.

Akiva: And the princess with her true love missing and her lands in danger because it was his forces that kept them safe. So, Princess Anna embarked on a quest to save her one true love…

Anna takes centre stage

Anna: For my lands and my love I embark on this terrifying quest to save Prince Seth from the clutches of the evil witch. My heart will lead me true!

Alex and Seth boo and hiss Anna having come on from the side of the stage to watch. She looks a little hurt, they stop when Akiva gives them a death to you look.

Akiva: And so the brave princess embarked on her quest empty handed and…. he trails off his spurt having ended. He flounders looking panicked for a moment before typing more and she runs into a terrifying dragon! Anna looks frightened, and then there’s a pause I said and then she ran into a terrifying dragon! He waits and then sighs For the love of, fine He puts on some sort of goofy prop like one of those hats that go down to your knees and have the cloth spikes on it and leaps in front of Anna with a roar. A very sad roar. The next part should be played up to be as silly as possible

Anna: A terrifying dragon! My goodness! What ever shall I do?

If possible to have some one play a kazoo to the typical ‘to the rescue music as Alex leaps out on Stage without the hat

Alex: Stop right there!

Anna: Looking flustered and obviously not that good at improv Oh my goodness! It’s the witch!

Alex: I’m not the witch!

Anna: Yes you are! You just took your hat off!

There’s a pause, which Alex runs off stage, and Seth makes the sound effects for her rummaging around like screaming things like ‘thud!’ ‘Crash!” very enthusiastically before Alex runs back out with the groucho marx glasses/moustache on

Anna: You’re still the witch! Now you just have un-sightly facial hair!

Alex: How do you know I’m the witch?

Anna: Your sword!

Alex: Well how am I supposed to kill a dragon without one?

Akiva: Who had been watching the other two up until this point squeaks Kill?

Anna: You used that sword to enchant Prince Seth to capture him!

Alex sighs and runs over to Seth

Alex: So we have anything that I could kill a dragon with besides a sword?

Seth: I have a rubber chicken he holds up the chicken. Alex stares at him for a moment, shrugs, shoves the sword into his hands, grabs the chicken and runs back out

Alex: I am here to defeat this vial dragon for you m’lady! Stand back! She starts hitting Akiva with the rubber chicken, Akiva just goes with it

Akiva: Oh no I am slain by the brave knight! He clutches his chest and falls to the ground, Alex strikes a pose and puts a foot on his chest ow

Alex: I have slain your dragon for you m’lady! But what brings such a delicate flower so far from the garden?

Anna: Well, this flower is a little more wild then you may think, and I thank you good sir knight for your help. I am on a quest to save Prince Seth for he was kidnapped by the horrible witch wishing to hold him for random against his Father.

Alex: A truly horrible thing m’lady

Akiva: Alex, your crushing my air passages… Please move your foot….

Alex: Oh, sorry Kiv She steps off of him and he stumbles back to his type writer and starts to narrate again

Akiva: And so after a warning of the woods that lay ahead

Alex: I should warn you m’lady, that in these woods lays a terrifying creature guarding the witches tower. I beg of you to not go further and let me save Prince Seth

Akiva: This of coarse was unacceptable. Princess Anna had to go and save her one true love, and she knew she could do it. And she would, she told the brave knight so.

Anna: I have to go brave knight! I must save my true love, I know I can do it, and I will! If you wish to accompany me on my quest through the dangerous forest then you are most welcome to.

Akiva: The knight knew his honour would not allow him to let the lady pass through the woods alone, so he accompanies her through them. However, very shortly they came upon another vicious beast!

Alex unsheathes her, um, chicken and steps in front of Anna as Seth comes on stage with Bunny ears on. Again, make them as silly as you can. If their fluffy and light up all the better

Alex: Stand back m’lady!

Seth: Growl.

Anna: It doesn’t look very dangerous, does it?

Alex: No… It’s just a rabbit…

Seth: Uhhhhhmmm… Bunny noise bunny noise!

Alex: I’ll just kill it then She advances on Seth, he growls for real this time and lunges at her, or her legs.

Alex: Ahh I’ve been slain by this horrible beast! She falls to the floor and lays limp

Anna: Oh my! What ever will I do now? Seth advances and she steps back Wait! I can’t back down now! She stands her ground and he keeps advancing, then starts to circle her. She grabs him and hugs him, petting his ears.

Seth pauses and starts to nozzle into her hand

Seth: Purr

Anna: Aw you’re not so bad are you? I have to go though, nice meeting you Mr. Bunny She lets go of Seth and runs off stage, as do Alex and Seth in the other direction.

Akiva: The knight was killed by a rabbit, which the princess then hugged into submission? This is so wrong… My story line has been hijacked again! He hits his head on the table and sighs, typing some more Mean while, at the witches tower… Seth and Alex run back out in their normal costumes and sit down facing each other, playing cards Horrible things were happening.

Alex: Got any threes?

Seth sighs and hands over his last card

Seth: Darn it that’s the fourth time you’ve beaten me in a row!

Alex: Fork it over prince-y

Seth sighs and hands Alex a cookie

Alex: Haha! Excellent!

Anna runs on stage, holding the rubber chicken

Anna: Not so fast witch! I have come to defeat you!

Alex: looks at her before getting to her feet You think you can defeat me? Ha! Alright, try and fight me princess, but, in a battle of wits!

Anna: Alright, I will triumph for my heart is pure and has led me this far!

The two girls start circle each other

Alex: Who is the current Brittish Prime minister?

Anna: Tony Blair. Why are so many people anti-Shakespeare?

Alex: Because most people don’t understand the dialect and get frustrated.

Anna: Darn it…

Seth: Gets to his feet and runs between the two This is enough! Your intellectual insanity has gone on long enough! Why can’t we all just be friends, sit down, play so go-fish and eat some cookies?

Alex: Because you were hoarding all the cookies?

Seth: Fine, I’ll share my cookies, but, let’s just all get along, please?

Anna: Well, if she doesn’t try to kill us or anything

Alex: Turn you into toads at worst, I’ll behave if you will

Seth: Yay!

The girls sit down and Seth goes to get a plate of cookies, the three sit down and start to play cards.

Akiva: They all eat cookies and play go fish? For the love of…. he starts typing some more, narrating again And so the three made an agreement not to fight ever again and all became friends, ate cookies, played go-fish, and lived happily ever after. The end. He groans and bangs his head on the desk again before going to sit with the other three That is not what I wanted.

Alex: Since when is what you wanted what’s best?

Akiva: But that made so little sense! Alex, you had a rubber chicken for a sword and were killed by a rabbit!

Seth: It’s because she didn’t have proper equipment to battle it. It was a brave fearsome creature.

Anna: You were so adorable with those ears

Seth: You mean to say I’m not normally adorable?

Akiva: Nothing I wanted to happen did….

Seth: Oh, come off it Kiv. Have we taught you nothing?

Akiva: Huh?

Alex: We’ve been trying to teach you this whole time one thing in life Akiva.

Anna: Take things has they come, there’s something good to be gained from every situation! You’ve made the best of your illness, if you want to call it that considering just how much you’ve gotten us to work in your advantage, and you did the best you could with what these two bozos threw at you for this story. It’ll be great once it goes through the editing process. She smiles, Akiva smiles weakly, takes a cookie, and lifts it in a toast, the other three do the same

Akiva: To taking things as they come and take the best from them.

Anna: Here here!

Seth: Sounds delicious, I mean good

Alex: About time you finally got that lesson down. Jeesh.

They all take a bite of their cookies and the lights fade

Fin