A Problem with Authority CoyDelirious

I was afraid of a lot of things, and I liked that, because most people just said that they weren’t and felt good about themselves.

Everyone I knew told me I was smart.

I told them that I could never be great because I was atychiphobic, so I would never really risk anything worthwhile, but they didn’t know what I was afraid of, because they didn’t know what atychiphobia was, so they laughed and pretended.

When I was little I liked pretending, but I didn’t anymore.

When I was little I had a dog, but he died, so I decided that I didn’t like pets because letting him die was a failure, and I was afraid.

---

My teacher said something, but I wasn’t listening, because I was counting ceiling tiles. My teacher saw that I wasn’t watching her and came over to tell me that if I wasn’t going to listen I could spend some time in the principal’s office. I didn’t answer, so she reached her hand towards me, and I flinched away, because I was haptephobic so I didn’t like people touching me.

Don’t touch me, I said to her, so she sent me to the office anyway and I didn’t ask questions.

She didn’t like me because I was twelve, and I was in the ninth grade. I didn’t really think that she had been twelve when she was in the ninth grade, so she was angry. Or maybe I was just being conceited.

Don’t argue or ask questions and you won’t get hurt.

Try to be as docile as possible.

My teacher escorted me, which I thought was a bad move on her part considering there was a classroom full of kids just itching to be left alone. She made me take the stairs and I whimpered I was bathmophobic also.

I struggled, but she gave me an angry look so I stopped.

---

I was walking home and it was raining, but I didn’t much notice.

When I got home my mom called, but she didn’t ask me about my day, so I didn’t say anything and she thought I hung up. I didn’t make her think otherwise. There were a lot of things that were white in my house and my mother had a white car, which I sometimes imagined was out of spite for me. Or maybe I’m just gall.

Leukophobia.

I sat down in the very middle of the couch.

I sat there for a very long time, I don’t know precisely how long, but if I had noticed, I would have realised that I was completely dry when I stood up and it was midnight.

---

I have a friend who is a police officer, and I talk to him a lot. If I had a best friend, it would be him.

I told him that school was easy, so he asked me if I knew how lucky I was to be so smart. I told him it was a matter of opinion and he said I’m sorry, and I said that ‘I’m sorry’ is just a conjunction and a word. He told me that I was cynical and told me that I could do great things, so I said he was a regular demagogue, but he didn’t know what that meant, because he just laughed and pretended, so I left.

I was lying on the floor, and I sneezed. There was a girl walking by, and she said ‘bless you,’ so I told her I’d rather she didn’t and she looked at me and scoffed because her daddy was rich and called her princess, and I frowned and felt bad for her and in her eyes she said she was sorry but that was just the way she was raised.

So I pitied her and hated myself for it.

A failure is a failure.

---

I had to wait in a room with a photocopier, and it made the purr of a mechanical bee, because it purred and buzzed, and it sounded calming. The lighting buzzed too and in the next room I could hear a muffled voice.

My teacher was in there because she wanted to talk to me.

I didn’t want to talk to her.

The door creaked open and my English teacher came out. She smiled, but her eyes didn’t show it, so I didn’t say anything.

She motioned for me to come into the room so I stood up and I looked over at the photocopier both happy, because of its comfort and sad because of our parting.

My teacher wanted to talk to me about my class work, so she told me to sit down, but I didn’t because I’d waited a long time sitting.

She told me that I was very bright, but that I should try my best all the time, so I asked her if she tried her best all the time and all she could say was that she liked to think so, and I said you mean no and she got angry.

She told me I’d better sit down or she’d throw me out, but I didn’t think this would be such bad ‘punishment’ because she had wanted to see me.

I started playing with a pen on her desk and this made her temper worse because she said I wasn’t giving her my full attention, but I didn’t say anything, so she just kept talking.

She seemed to be struggling to connect with me.

She was eating her lunch while she worked. It was a salad with big pieces of tomato. She took a big bite with a big hunk of tomato, and I didn’t like tomato, so it made me feel ill, but she reached out her hand towards me and put it on top of mine, so I flinched, and I stabbed her hand meat with her own pen.

She looked shocked as she swallowed her tomato piece whole, but I didn’t do anything, because a failure is a failure.

---

They put me in a holding cell because I was delinquent.

My police officer friend didn’t seem to like me as much anymore, because everyone said that I’d killed someone, but I hadn’t, she’d been killing herself every day since she started teaching. It’s true what they say about those who can’t do.

I think she liked me before she died. Or maybe I’m just vainglorious.

My friend told me that I should have done something, and I told him that he wouldn’t have done anything either, but then he said, “Yes I would’ve Edie, yes I would have.”

I was just happy that the precinct had a photocopier.

Even triumph is a loss.