Chapter Twenty-Two

He looks good. That’s all I can say as I return his smile. It’s as if time stopped when I left that little town. He looks the same.

The black-blond hair still looking a little shaggy and in need of a cut. The vivid ocean-coloured eyes. Lightly tanned skin. The ever-present lip ring. He used to have to tilt his head a little to look me in the eye; now he fairly towers over me.

Kier’s hand at my waist tightens and I look up at him. He meets my eyes, his own burning with some underlying fierceness I can’t identify before lifting them to face Shayne head on. Shayne doesn’t flinch, but meets him steadily, that faint smile still flirting on his lips.

Natalie’s nervous cough shatters the tense moment. Both guys seem to shake themselves visibly. Kier’s challenge grudgingly gives way to reluctant approval as he extends a hand and introduces himself.

I sigh with relief inwardly. This is so awkward! I have no idea what Shayne’s thinking, what Kier’s thinking and what’s running through everyone else watching this little scene. I turn and see gran frozen at the doorway with a tray of tea and cake, watching as the two men try to get over their initial instinctive hostility towards each other.

“Gran! I’ll take the tray. Go on in and have a seat,” I rush over and relieve the tray from her.

She looks at me a little apologetically. I’m guessing the apology is for the unexpected visitors. I never really went into depth about my past relationship with Shayne, only telling her that we parted on amicable terms.

“It’s okay gran,” I say softly. “The guys can handle it.”

She wraps a hand around my wrist for a moment and turns on the charm as she chatters to the Hilliards. I seat myself next to her, rubbing a hand on her back. I feel the seat dip on my other side and know Kier has just taken a seat. I turn and we share a smile, comforting and reassuring. He looks relaxed in his usual slouch, but I know better. His body language said one thing, his eyes said another.

“I’m quite looking forward to seeing the city. I’ve never been to New York before but I’ve heard stories. How busy it is. People always on the move,” Mrs. Hilliard’s voice breaks into our little moment.

“I’ll be happy to take you guys around,” I offer, and have the pleasure of watching her face glow with delight.

“Oh would you? That would be fantastic!”

“Of course. We could set out early tomorrow morning, grab some breakfast, then drive out to some of the sights, maybe do some shopping,” I suggest, suppressing a bout of laughter when Natalie’s eyes start to gleam. Some people never change. Natalie’s vice, as far as I remember, has always been shopping.

“Sounds like a plan!”

“I regret I won’t be able to join you in the morning. I’ve a date with the band and the studio,” Kier inserts smoothly, abandoning his comfortable slouch to smile at the older Hilliards.

“Oh that sounds so glamorous. Studio indeed! Come and join us after! Bring your friends too!”

I grin at Mrs. Hilliard’s enthusiasm. Right then our agreeable little chat is disrupted by my two little hellions.

The front door’s pushed open so hard that it swings a complete 180 and hits the wall, earning a wince from everyone close enough to be hit by the sheer volume of it.

“Mama!” They announce their grand entrance, hollering away.

Kier chuckles. “Nice to see they haven’t changed. Still as demanding as ever.”

They turn at the sound of his voice and grin widely. “Kier’s back!” They charge towards him, single-minded in their goal to smother him with hugs and kisses, shedding their blazers, schoolbags and vests along the way.

I just watch, amused as they jump on him and wrap their little chubby arms around him, kissing his cheeks. He laughs, his arms coming around them protectively. It’s a vision seeing the three of them together, and one I can never get enough of. Two angelic towheaded boys and the man with the looks of a fallen angel.

Evan wriggles around and grins happily at me. He recently had once of his milk teeth drop out and he’s ever so proud of the little gap left behind that he takes every opportunity to smile as wide as he can to charm the socks off everyone he meets.

He throws his arms out to me, his hand balling into a fist and opening up repeatedly in that worldwide gesture of children demanding impatiently to be held.

I take him and cuddle him onto my lap, pressing a light kiss to his pursed lips. He nods then, satisfied, and squirms until he’s comfortably snuggled against me. I wrap one arm around his little waist and reach the other hand out to touch Ryan’s face tenderly. He grins at me, content to be held by Kier.

I turn back to our guests, only to see that the older Hilliards are beaming at the kids, Mrs. Hilliard’s eyes positively shining with that “omg-they-are-so-cute!” look. Natalie and Shayne on the other hand, are just plain staring with something that looks mildly like shock.

“Mama, who’s they?” Evan questions shyly, pointing at them.

I bat his hand away. “Who are they, not who is. And pointing is rude, little E.”

He pouts, but nods anyway, wanting a quick answer.

“That’s Mr. and Mrs. Hilliard, and their kids, Natalie and Shayne.”

“Hello,” Ryan nods, puffing up self-importantly. Kier just quirks his eyebrow at me in amusement.

“Um, ello,” Evan clutches my wrist in one hand and gives a little wave with the other shyly.

“These are my sons, Ryan, and Evan.” Quick flash of teeth, gums and gaps from both boys as I say the magic word “sons”.

“Aren’t you two just so precious?” Mrs. Hilliard beams from one boy to the other. They grin back, warming to her.

“Alright you two. Don’t think you’ve gotten away with throwing your stuff on the floor. Collect your bags, jackets and vests and go on up and shower. Luiza will watch after you. I’ll be down here,” I order, setting Evan on the floor and plucking Ryan out of Kier’s arms efficiently.

“Hot water!!” they dash for their scattered belongings and run upstairs, Luiza hot on their trail.

I shrug at the Hilliards’ bemused expressions. “They have a love affair going on with hot water baths.”

“Oh yeah! I remember now. I saw in the news you’d adopted kids,” Natalie exclaimed, her eyes wide.

“Yeah they’re mine,” I grin fondly at the thought.

“How did it happen?” Shayne speaks up for the first time since he’d sat down.

I curl back against Kier’s outstretched arm and begin narrating the story that I never tire of telling.

-----

“People just walk so fast here,” Mrs. Hilliard marvels as we stand at a corner, sipping on hot coffee and munching on bagels. Your typical NYC fare, according to many books and even some tunes.

“Yeah, no time for the outside world and all that. Time is money, yada yada yada,” I grin, savoring my chai latte. Nothing like some good coffee in the early hours of the morning.

True to my word, I’m now playing tourist with the Hilliards, driving them around the city while Kier’s holed up in the studio and my boys are at school. I figure I’ll take them to see the usual stuff like Wall Street, Central Park, Rockefeller Center, Brooklyn Bridge, Empire State Building, Grand Central Station, Miss Statue of Liberty etc. No one will be able to say I’m a bad tourist guide.

I’ve loaned Kier’s four-wheel-drive for this, since it’s a bigger vehicle than mine. It’s just about right for all of us and by the end of the morning we’ve stopped by a few spots and I’m feeling the pangs of hunger.

“Man I’m hungry,” Shayne rubs his flat tummy, eyeing the eateries flying past his backseat window.

Looks like I’m not the only one. We take a vote and it’s majority for getting a bite to eat. I speed-dial Kier as I’m stopped by a red traffic light.

“Hey love.”

I grin. “Yo. Our guests are feeling they need food. Are you guys done yet?”

I hear the change in the tone of his voice as he turns and yells at the guys, who start clamouring for food too. “Looks like we are. We’re not going to get anymore work done now that they’re fixated on food.”

“Sweet. Where’s a good place to go?” I shift into drive as the light turns green.

“We could go to that place with the yum osso buco, burgers and pavlova. And the Australian chef that you found so absolutely charming with his accent and everything,” he adds the last part teasingly.

“Oh shut up. He does sound pretty good though. You round up the boys and we’ll see you there then!”

“Love you. See you soon.” With that, he’s gone.

We’ve just about settled comfortably in our seats and been handed menus when the door swings open again to let in an outburst of noise.

“Babygirl! Feels like ages since I last saw you!” Kyle bounces up, shoots a grin at our bemused guests and hugs me tight.

“You haven’t changed a bit,” I laugh, hugging Leyt next.

“And I never will!” he proclaims proudly, learning over the table to introduce himself. Natalie, I notice, has gone starry-eyed being surrounded by these famous boys.

“I don’t doubt that,” I mutter as I move on to hug the other three. Jex overhears and laughs a little. Trist buzzes a kiss onto my cheek and I ruffle his messy, now royal purple hair.

Kier pulls out a chair next to mine and curls an arm around my waist in a smooth move that goes by unnoticed as the other boys seat themselves. They turn on the charm instantly at the women and start working on being chums with the guys.

“How was it?” I ask Kier softly.

“Think it went pretty well. We screwed up once, maybe twice, but didn’t take long to get things right again so a good morning’s work I’d say. We’d started losing focus when you called, so it was a good time to get away,” he grins; tugging on the ends of my hair, now long enough to swing near my waist, gently.

We place our orders when the waiter stops at our table, pen and paper in hand. His eyes don’t even flicker when he recognises the boys. I reckon they get the wealthy and infamous pretty frequently in here.

I’m content to just sit and watch the Hilliards interact with the often-rowdy band boys. It’s such a study. Mr. Hilliard’s being his usual quiet self, perfectly happy with letting his wife control the flow of conversation while he leans back and listens in. Mrs. Hilliard’s talking to Leyt and Jex, her eyes wide like a child’s as she bombards them with questions about their music, tours, fame. Natalie’s gone all gooey-eyed over Kyle, who’s perfectly aware of it but pretending he isn’t. Trist and Shayne are getting along like a house on fire, chatting about guitars.

“This is nice,” my other half murmurs in my ear.

“A lot better than I’d expected. I thought it would be awkward you know? I haven’t seen them in a long time and I used to date their son. Talk about complicated.”

“I think you underestimated them. They’re simple people, easy to please and fairly content with life, I’d say. It’s a good thing.”

“I’m all the more glad for it. That they can enjoy being here, having a family holiday together.”

“I’d say you’re part of that family, you know. You didn’t date and marry your way into it, but you’re still family all the same. From the time, the missus and your mom were friends. Full circle see?”

“No,” I deny automatically.

“Just because they aren’t blood relations, it doesn’t make them any less your family. They took care of you, looked out for you before you found your gran, grandpa and Logan.”

“Yeah but…” Even that but sounds feeble to my ears.

He just notches up his left eyebrow a little.

“Fine,” I concede the point. “Don’t look so smug that you’re right.”

“I love it when you say I’m right.”

“Now that’s just pushing it, buster.”

He runs a hand over my hair with a smile.

“You guys are just so….cute,” Natalie gushes. The boys wince a little. It seems to be an instinctive male reaction to that word. Especially when it’s said that way, in that tone.

I turn red and Kier laughs. “Yeah we live to please.”

-----

“Hey wait up!”

I halt my brisk pace towards the kitchen and turn to face Shayne. Here it comes, confrontation. Whoopee.

“Morning. Did you sleep well?”

“Yeah, the best. I was just thinking that we haven’t had the chance to just talk and catch up so I was wondering if you wanted to take some breakfast and coffee to the gardens and talk there.”

Hmm, food, coffee and a whole load of awkwardness. Joy. Notice the sarcasm. He really hasn’t noticed that I’ve sorta been avoiding being alone with him?

“You haven’t been avoiding me, have ya?”

What is he. A mind-reader?

He grins slightly while his eyes look a little sad. I must’ve given it away somehow. Maybe my face grimaced unconsciously or something.

“Well, a little,” I admit, wincing a little.

“Yeah sorry for just dropping in like this. Actually, no I’m not sorry.” His face darkens, just like that.

I just blink at him, confused at the sudden change in tone.

“You know, a few years ago, I thought you were my girlfriend, and even better, you were one of my best friends. I thought I was the same to you. Then you dropped that bomb, the one where you didn’t think you were in love with me, but you loved me all the same. Just not the way I wanted you to.”

Why is he bringing all this up? I know this. I’ve been trying not to remind myself of it, not an easy thing when he or one of his family walks into my path and line of sight every few minutes or so.

“I was fine with that. I tried to understand. I got over it. You were in the hospital, and mum told me to give you some space to come to terms with things. I did just that. Imagine my surprise when she comes home telling me about your NYC family, of which I had no idea, by the way, and that you’d packed all your belongings and flew off. Just like that. No goodbye, no ‘I’ll call you later, tell you how it went’. You were just…gone.”

I shudder. When he put it that way, it did sound a little cruel, what I’d done.

“I convinced myself that you’d call or write once you found them and settled in, but no, nothing. Months passed. I wondered, worried, if you’d found your way and were safe. Then one day I see your face plastered all over the mags and newspapers, telling of the newfound modelling career of the long-lost Edelen granddaughter.”

He whirls around, his gorgeous eyes stormy and furious. “So what was that all about? Too ashamed of us? You became the rich and loved grandchild of New York’s elite and you suddenly got too good for us? Sounds like the typical rich family and poor relations drama. Did we become the poor relations to you?”

His words cut. Cut really deep. Not just because he’s angry and it’s just spewing out relentlessly, but because he’s right. He’s right.

The moment I landed in New York and fell in love with the city, all I wanted to do so desperately was bury my past and all that went with it. I’m not proud of it, people would call it cowardice and running away, but I did it. Remembering kept the memories, images, words, abuse haunting me and the only way they were kept away was by locking them up and throwing away the key. In the process I’d forgotten about precious people who had done so much for me, given me a safe haven amidst the misery, provided laughs when home was just a bucket of tears.

“I’m sorry,” I all but sob it out. “You probably don’t want to hear it, but I’m sorry all the same. For the care, the worry, for forgetting it. I was so unconsciously hell bent on carving out a fresh start in this new place, without being haunted by the memories of that woman and that house, that when I locked them away, I locked everything else away too. I couldn’t remember you without remembering her. I was this far away and she still had the power to hurt me, just by thinking of her.”

“I remember I got here and gran was so happy to see me. No one’s ever been that happy to see me. She had tears in her eyes when we hugged the first time. I never wanted anything to spoil that smile. I thought bringing that woman up or anything to do with that town where that woman had repeatedly told gran that she was to have nothing to do with me, would do exactly that. Then after a while, it just got easier to push it away. I got so busy with work and was always surrounded by people and noise, that I never needed to worry about the memories ever coming back.”

“It doesn’t excuse me for not calling, not writing. You’re pissed, and I deserve it. I’m sorry, for what it’s worth. It means a lot to me that you worried about me, that you kept looking out for news of me. It does. Shayne…” I reach out and hold on to his shirt sleeve. He looks at me, his eyes burning.

“You were my lifeline once. You saved me. If you hadn’t come along, teaching me guitar, making me laugh, teaching me I could love, I wouldn’t be here today. I don’t know where I’d be. When we broke up, I didn’t want to keep using you as a lifeline. I needed to get my own backbone, that’s why I left just like that. I was so attached to you, I wouldn’t have left to find my own way if I had to say goodbye to you too. I would’ve changed my mind the moment I saw your face, because I knew you. I was familiar with you, and I knew you’d never hurt me, but where I was wanting to go, it was unknown. Scary. I am sorry. I don’t know if you can find it in yourself to forgive me for all the hurt I’ve caused you.”

He just stares, his eyes searching my face. He doesn’t say anything for a few moments, which makes me increasingly nervous. I know I just said a lot, and he needs time to process it all, I’m not even half sure what I said to begin with. I sure do feel a lot better though, like I’ve had all this inside me and needed an outlet, and have needed to unload it for a long time.

His eyes crinkle at the corners and my sigh of relief is audible. “Of course I can forgive you. Family holds no grudges.”

Tears prick at my eyes. “That’s beautiful. I don’t deserve it. Now look what you’ve done, you’ve gone and made me cry.”

He chuckles, pulling me close against his chest with one arm. “Whether you deserve it or not, which I’d say you do, given that gutsy apology, you’re family.”

“Thank you,” I sniffle out, my voice muffled against his shirt.

“Should I be concerned that the girl I’m going to marry is in the arms of her ex-lover and bawling her eyes out?” Kier’s amused voice cuts into our little bonding session.

I start to pull away, but Shayne’s not having any of it. His arm stays firm, holding me in place. “Not at all, but I have to say this. Been wanting to say it a while really. If you hurt my little sister here, you’re answering to me, buddy. I don’t care that you’re famous and all.”

I snort out a laugh amidst my tears. Kier chuckles too. “Point taken. Don’t worry, I’ve already had that same thing from Logan and grandpa.”

“Good.” Shayne squeezes me briefly and lets me go. He tilts my chin up, eyes soft as he watches the residual tears track down my cheeks. “You should come back sometime. Just to visit, catch up with people you knew, and brave the memories long enough to say a proper goodbye. Get some closure, then you can remember the happy stuff and lay the bad to rest for good.”

“I will. I don’t think I’m quite brave enough to go myself, so I might bring the backup support system.” I risk a sidelong glance at Kier, who nods in understanding.

“That was very well said, son. Very well done.” His parents are standing at the top of the stairs. From the way Mrs. Hilliard’s bawling, just like me, I’d say they’d witnessed the entire show.

“Don’t know about you, but all this serious talk has made me hungry. Anyone with me?” Shayne doesn’t wait for a reply, but strides off where his nose is leading him, to the dance of the aroma of bacon, eggs, pancakes, and golden syrup.

-----

“This is ironic. I flew to New York years ago barely able to afford the flight ticket, and now I’m flying back there in your agency’s private jet. Just feels wrong,” I mutter to Kier, looking around me.

“Stop fidgeting,” he pushes me back to lean against my seat gently.

“I can’t help it. I’m feeling just itchy inside,” I protest, frowning.

He grabs my hand and laces his fingers through mine and raises the back of my hand to his lips, kissing it.

I watch him as he does it, my feelings melting together into a pool of goo. I know he’s trying to distract me, and it’s working. Mostly.

“Love, look at me.” It’s a quiet command, but compelling nonetheless. I look. His eyes are on mine, firm but patient. And so tender. “It’s just nerves. That’s all. You made up your mind to confront your past and now you’re just trying to back away again. It’s not going to happen.”

I stare at him dumbly. I don’t understand.

He smiles, combing my hair back from my face. “I’m not going to let you talk yourself out of doing this. You need to, to finally put it away. You got that? We’re in this together.”

I nod, squeezing my eyes shut. I hear him shuffling around and then I feel his arms slip me out of my seat. I squeak aloud, eyes flipping open and darting up to his face.

“What?”

He settles back down again, me on his lap, his arms coming around me in a warm cocoon. I grab onto his shirt with my bunched up fists and press my face to his throat. And feel so safe with his scent surrounding me. The nerves start to settle.

“Thank you,” I whisper, pressing a kiss right there, on his warm collarbone, before drifting off to sleep.

He hears me, I know he does, and he shifts only to bring me closer and to cradle the top of my head under his chin.

I must have fallen right asleep because the next thing I know, he’s coaxing me out of my dreamless state and back into wakefulness.

“Come on,” he grins as I stretch and work out the kinks in my back from sleeping slumped against him. “My jungle cat.”

“Kinky.” I yawn, patting his smooth cheek.

“You betcha. You must’ve not slept much last night.”

“Yeah, couldn’t sleep. Kept thinking about this.” I stand up, wincing a little at the bright sunlight streaming through my window.

He drags me close to his side and troops off towards the lowered ramp. He shields his eyes, squinting as he tries to take in his surroundings. “Well, well, aren’t you just a country girl?”

I snort and dig an elbow into his side. He grunts in response, and lets out another sound suspiciously like a chuckle.

“Hey dude, I resent that,” Shayne advances on Kier with a threatening stance.

I detach Kier’s arm from my waist and wander off to help the Hilliards with the luggage. We’d decided to follow them back here, so Kier had his agent arrange for a refund on their return flights and bundled all of us into the company plane.

“How are you feeling dear?” Mrs. Hilliard smiles at me kindly as I grab a bag off her.

“Better. Slightly. Apprehensive. I’m not quite sure what I’m feeling,” I confess.

She pulls me into a hug, one that feels familiar as I had plenty of them years ago. “Don’t worry, we’re all here with you.”

Kier and Shayne come up, all chummy-like, and promptly, efficiently have us girls set aside while they roll up their sleeves and tackle the suitcases. It’s done so smoothly too that we don’t even realise we’ve been “handled” until all the bags are neatly lined up on the tarmac.

We head to the Hilliards’ home first to drop off their suitcases. It’s been touched up a little here and there, and the furniture’s been shifted around some, but essentially, it’s the same place I remember from memory. The narrow little corridor that leads to the bedrooms, the little chip on the wall they never bothered to patch up, the antique TV set in the kitchen where Mrs. Hilliard watches her TV shows while she cooks and irons.

This home is a good part of that memory lane trip I’m on. I’d wondered from time to time if they still lived in this house, if it had changed at all, and it’s really nice to know some things are so steadily constant.

I’m just standing in the middle of the living room, smiling dreamily as I let my eye rove over its familiarity, when Shayne bounds in. “We’re taking you to the lake, let’s go!”

He grabs my wrist and drags me along to where Kier’s waiting by the car with the rest of the family.

The lake isn’t far from the house. We used to hop on bicycles and cruise over to the little pier and sit there for hours, in the quiet or just talking about anything. It’s still winter so the trees around it are bare and covered with snow, and the sun bounces off the white on the ground, winking at us from different angles. The water’s frozen over, and someone’s balanced a “Warning! Thin ice!” sign in the middle. Kids are skating, but they’ve been warned to stick to the edge.

I stand between Kier and Shayne, watching the kids fly round and round, laughter kicking up in the air. I point out the little wooden pier to my fiancé. “That’s where I’d go every time I had a bad day at home. I’d just sit there and look at the water and it settled me.”

He smiles, a little sadly, sweeping his hand over the top of my hair.

“It wasn’t always sad. We had some good laughs there too,” Shayne says softly.

“Yeah, we did. You’d always find me out there, you were somehow psychic that way. You always knew. Then you’d try to cheer me up.” I look up at his face, remembering. “I never thanked you for that then. So, thank you. Really.”

He squeezes my shoulder. “Was no problem. Do you want to go by your old place now?”

I shudder involuntarily. Images of the dark. Broken glass and beer cans on the floor. Alcohol seeping into the carpets and stinking up the house. Mother and the belt she used to beat me. Her manic grin. The knife. Oh God, the knife. I squeeze my eyes shut, desperately needing the images to go away.

Kier grabs my shoulders. Shakes me. Not too gently. “Win, love, snap out of it. You’re here, with me. You’re safe. Come on, you can do this.”

I clamp onto his wrists tightly, drawing some comfort from his touch. And his warmth. “Not by a long shot, but let’s do it. I don’t think I’d ever be ready, voluntarily, to go there.”

“How long does it take from here to the old house?” I dimly hear him ask Shayne.

“About 10, 15 minutes,” Shayne approximates, following us. His voice is subdued.

Right before we get into the car, I whirl around and grab hold of their shirts. “When we get there, make me get out of the car and go inside. I need to do it. I know that. I don’t know if I can make myself, so no matter what I say or do, promise me you’ll get me in there, even if you have to drag me there kicking and screaming.”

They exchange looks, hesitating.

“Promise me.”

“Alright, alright.”

The sight of the house freezes me to the leather seats of the car. It’s changed, a lot. There’s a children’s swing out in the front yard, the picket fence unpainted. The roof has been re-shingled from the previous green to a deep brick red. It’s obvious someone else lives here now. A happy family from the looks of it.

Shayne goes up to the door to talk to the lady who shows up at the door while Kier coaxes me out of the car, prying my fingers open from their death grip on the door. His arm comes around my shoulder.

The lady smiles at me when I step up and lets me into the house. “Go on dearie, have a look around. Shayne here says you lived right here years ago.”

I nod, unable to trust my voice. While Shayne distracts the woman, I make tracks deeper into the house. They haven’t changed the layout, but the deco, colours, furniture, everything’s different. It helps that it’s changed. The memories swamping my head aren’t as vivid now, being in the same space that’s so altered from the way it used to be.

“She hit me and left me on the floor by the door over there. Then she goes away and I remember feeling this relief that she’d gone.” I stare blindly at the kitchen counter. I don’t even realize I’m crying until I rub my eyes and feel the wetness on my cheeks.

Kier’s just standing there, watching me go through my personal hell, and unable to do a thing about it. He’s clenching his fists to tightly his knuckles are stark white. His beautiful eyes are burning, burning so dark with fury. And what looks like grief.

“Then she comes back. Oh God, she comes back. She’s got the knife in her hand. I’m screaming. Screaming so loud my lungs hurt. My throat’s hoarse from it. But I keep screaming. I keep seeing the gleam of the silver, the sharp edge.”

“Did you have sex with him? That’s what all little boys want. Little boys just want to get into your pants because you’re a pretty girl,” she screams at me.

I scream as she starts to kick me. She kicks my ribs and I feel a burst of immense fire. When her foot connects with my stomach, I gasp. My breath leaves my body in one exhalation.

I start to cough, and choke, and gasp for air. I can’t feel the pain anymore. Everything is numb.

I look up at the madwoman smiling broadly as she hits me, kicks me, slaps me, and I know she’s lost it this time. She goes away, and I feel relieved.

She returns.

I stare at her, my eyes bugging out. She’s holding a knife. Oh God. Someone come and save me now.

“Don’t worry little Ashlie. Mommy isn’t going to kill you,” she chants, a maniacal gleam glimmering in her unholy eyes.

I scream as loudly as I can.

All I can see is her, advancing slowly on me. Her hand grips the knife handle tightly, and yet I can see how it shakes. She comes, slowly, surely, like Death.

My vision swirls. I can’t see anything now. There’s just a myriad of colours, slowly darkening. I stumble, and trip on something. I don’t feel anything much as I fall to the floor.

I’m weeping now. Great big waves of it. She hated me. Back then, she’d hated me. People always said I looked like him. I had his eyes, and his hair. And the dimples. She couldn’t stand looking at me. I was there, and he wasn’t. He’d left her. He’d broken his promise to stay with her forever. He’d left her.

“It wasn’t dad’s fault. It wasn’t his fault. He didn’t ask to be in that accident. He didn’t.”

“Oh God, Win.” Kier’s hoarse voice, like a drowning man gasping for air.

I stand there and cry for what feels like hours. When the last tear squeezes out of me, I sway on my feet, tired to my bones. To my core. A silent whoosh of air and Kier’s steadying me. Supporting me. Ever so dependable.

“I’m all right. I’m okay.” I hold on to him, blinking rapidly and swiping at my fuzzy eyes. And rest against his warm chest for a minute. And Shayne walks in with the lady.

She starts fussing immediately in alarm. “Dearie, whatever is wrong? Why are you crying?”

I laugh weakly. “It’s nothing. I just remembered something. I’m okay now. Thank you.”

“You just let me know if I can get you anything.” She shoves a handful of tissues at me and I can’t help it, the laughter just starts rolling out. It feels so good to laugh, in this house.

“Thank you. If I could just use the bathroom and wash up a little?” I take a steadying breath and push away from Kier.

“Of course. Take your time! You know where it is, don’t you?” she waves me along.

I lock myself in the bathroom and stare at my face in the mirror. My eyes are red, nose looks like I’m Rudolph the reindeer and my mascara and eyeliner have run away. I look like a wreck. I look hideous. I snort loudly and splash my face with cold water, washing the black trails away. And feel the layers of emotional grime and murk start peeling away.

I touch up my makeup: foundation, cheek blusher, eyeliner and mascara, and take a couple of cautious deep breaths in and out. Much better. I don’t feel like I’m suffocating in this house anymore. I think it’s a good thing. I fought my demons and won some ground against them.

I step out and make my way back towards the sound of voices. Both boys are chatting with the lady of the house, but Kier’s face is creased with strain. Relief melts the stress away when he looks up as I enter. I must look a lot better.

“Oh honey, you look so much better. I’m glad. Say, you look familiar.”

Shayne snorts in laughter. I roll my eyes at him and smile at her puzzled face. “Thank you for letting us impose on you like this, our arrival so unannounced as it was.”

“It was no trouble! Don’t worry your pretty head over it! I hope it helped,” she fusses like a mother hen.

“It did. A lot. I can’t thank you enough.” I take her hand in mind and squeeze it.

“You really do look very familiar.”

I sigh. She looks so confused. “I’m Winter Edelen. My fiancé, Kier. He plays drums for a band and I model sometimes. Maybe you’ve seen us in the media.”

She brightens up, nodding vigorously. “Yes! Yes! I knew I recognized you from somewhere. I read about your engagement on the news! Such good news! My son, my eldest, is a big fan of yours.” She turns to Kier. “And yours.”

He grins at her, shrugging. “I like playing drums.”

“You two are a beautiful couple. Congratulations!”

I blush. I can’t help it. “Thank you so much. We should be going. We’ve taken up too much of your time already. Tell your son we stopped by and we said hi. Tell him to expect something in the mail a couple of weeks from now.”

“That’s…that’s very nice of you,” she stutters, and manages to get out.

“A thank you gift. You’ve done more for me today than you’ll ever know. Thank you again.” I just sweep down and hug her tightly and then I’m heading to the car briskly. All this emotional business is turning me into a wreck.

The boys pack into the car a few moments later, Shayne in front at the wheel and Kier next to me, I assume, to nurse me back to usual self. He tilts my face up to his, searching my face thoroughly. “You’re fine. You’re really okay.” He sounds so relieved.

“I am. Thank you for coming with me. For holding on to me.” I smile, genuinely.

“I was so worried, and I couldn’t do a thing but stand there and watch you go through that personal hell,” he grinds out through gritted teeth, but his eyes are soft and tender.

“You did plenty. Both of you. I would never have been able to go in and get a headstart on clearing it out if you guys hadn’t been there. It’s going. It’s still here, but I can feel it going. It’ll take time yet,” I beam at one, then the other. I feel so free, like something really heavy has just been lifted. It’s so…liberating. I can’t stop smiling.

None of us say anything for a few minutes, caught up in our own thoughts. The day seems brighter, the sounds happier and colours warmer somehow. Kier seems content just twirling his finger through my hair, smiling a secretive-looking smile.

Shayne breaks the quiet with one word. The magic one. “Coffee?”

I whip around. “That old place?”

“Where else?”

Kier watches us, bewildered. “I’m feeling a little out of the loop here.”

I grin, pressing a hard, quick kiss to his yummy lips. “I used to work there. The people there were great.”

Shayne doesn’t talk anymore but takes the familiar road to the main street. It’s just one street, where all the shops are. The supermarket, restaurants, cafes, sundry shop. The library’s across the road from the supermarket and the cinema’s in a building by itself on the other junction corner.

Parking isn’t a problem here. Shayne slides the car smoothly into park. “Wait til everyone gets a load of you two.”

“Doesn’t sound good,” Kier grins, pressing a kiss to my forehead before stepping out of the car and helping me out.

We’re hit by the wave of noise as we push the door open. The bell screwed to the top jingles, announcing our entrance. People turn to look, some gape, others just aren’t interested and turn back to their coffee, food and partners.

I guess we make quite a picture. I’m in my most comfortable pair of dark skinny jeans, a loose, drapey lime-green cashmere top, a cream thigh-length trenchcoat, and knee-high leather boots. Kier’s just smartly dressed as always, worn navy jeans that showcase that excellent ass, fitting printed white t-shirt, vest and his ever-present rockstar black leather jacket. We look really out of place amidst the comfortable jeans, flannel, cotton and padded jackets.

“Oi, what must a guy around here do to get some service?” Shayne yells, a grin playing on his face.

“Shayne Hilliard! You cheeky little…” a pretty brunette comes out from the back, her grey eyes blazing with fire and…fun. I’m guessing this is routine for them.

“Good to see you Soph, you firecracker.” His greeting is easy, but the name sticks with me for a moment.

“Soph? As in Sophie?” I furrow my brow, taking a better look at the woman.

She looks at me in turn, quizzically. “That’s my name. Who’ve I got the pleasure of speaking to?”

Shayne gestures grandly. “Sophie Emerson, Winter Edelen.”

“You doof, she wouldn’t recognize that name,” I smack him lightly.

He pouts, sticking his bottom lip out exaggeratedly.

“But I do! You’re a model aren’t you?” Sophie’s eyes widen.

“That’s not what I meant. I used to work here,” I hurry to explain. Shayne’s snickering behind the hand covering his mouth.

“You…did?!” The poor girl’s looking more and more confused by the second.

“Ashlie?” I remind her, arching an eyebrow.

“Oh. My. God. You’re Ashlie? I mean, Ashlie and Winter Edelen?” she sputters, one hand unconsciously moving to cover her mouth in a surprised move.

“Yeah, same person. I’m both of them, you could say,” I wince at the pure befuddlement on her face.

“So you got to New York okay! Wow, you look heaps different girl!” she scans me from head to toe approvingly. “You need to teach me some of that makeup magic they do.”

I laugh. “This is Kier, my fiancé.” I tug on the sleeve of his jacket, pulling him forward slightly.

His gorgeous eyes crinkle at the corners as he smiles. “Hey, nice to meet ya.”

“Man, you’re gorgeous. I could just eat you up.” She admires him. I laugh out loud at his startled face. That expression looks cute on him. Sophie was always really straightforward. I pat him arm reassuringly, pressing a kiss on his jawline close to his chin.

“Okay so I guess we have a lot to catch up on. I never caught on that little Ash went to New York and became a supermodel!” she chatters, latching onto my elbow and pulling me to sit at a booth.

“Is this the silent girl signal telling us guys to scram?” Shayne wants to know. Kier just shakes his head, winks at me and drags him off to the other side of the little place.

“Ren! I’m taking my break now! Get some coffee over here!” Sophie yells towards the back and an answering male voice echoes back.

“Boyfriend?” I ask curiously.

“Husband, more like. Two years now. A little less that that I figure. We live in the apartment above and our seven-month boy is back there, keeping out of trouble.” She grins, wide and fast, just like I remember.

“Wow, things have really changed around here. So whatever happened to that delivery guy who was crushing massively on you?”

She giggles, blushing. “I married him.”

“No shiz?” I exclaim with delight. The delivery boy and the coffee girl, how good of a story did that sound?

“No kidding. Here he comes.” She turns to watch the man maneuver around the edge of the counter, a little boy balanced on one hip and the other hand holding a steaming pot of coffee, far out of reach of the boy.

I watch as he approaches. Familiar yes. Rennie’s eyes, hair, but boy, he’s filled out lots. Wider shoulders, broader chest, bigger arms. Taller by a few inches too. And a little stubble shadow darkening his jaw.

“You snagged a hot one there.” I wink at Soph, who giggles, obviously agreeing.

“Who knew he’s turn out so well,” she adds.

He sets the pot on the table and passes the kid to Soph who cuddles him close and kisses the top of his sandy-brown head. The boy watches me with wide eyes, sucking on his thumb.

I turn away from the kid a moment, smiling up at Rennie. Rennie Emerson. He really has changed, physically at least. “Hey Ren, it’s been a long time.”

He frowns a little at my familiarity, odd panic entering his eyes. “Uh hey. Have we met?”

I maintain my smile, but inside I’m giggling like a schoolgirl. “Yeah, for sure.”

He pauses, racking through possibilities in his head. Long silence. Then he tentatively asks, “I didn’t use to date you, did I?”

That was it. I couldn’t hold it in any longer. My laughter just spews out, much to his obvious annoyance. He looks like he doesn’t know what to make of me. Oh, that’s the laughter I’ve needed so desperately after the hugely emotional day I’ve had since the get go this morning.

“Winter Edelen.”

“The model?” Now he’s trying to figure out if he’s ever met a model.

Sophie takes pity on him, though her eyes are shining with amusement and a lot of concealed laughter. “Ashlie. You used to cry on her shoulder after I spurned your pickup lines.”

“Little Ash?” he says with so much disbelief I crack up again.

“The one and only. What’s with the little? I’m not little. I’ve never been little. I’m almost a full head taller than you are, Soph.” I’m a little indignant with that nickname. That’s one word no one has ever used to describe me.

“Sorry. We’ll stop if it’s a sore point. It’s just…you’re like a little sister to me. Your height’s no matter,” Soph pats my hand fondly.

Rennie bumps her further into the booth and slides in next to her. “You’re looking good, Ash. All grown up, dressed up, and I see you brought your man too.”

“Yeah, Shayne said I needed some closure. Put the dramatic bad past behind me before I get married and all.” I feel my lips curve up as I think fondly of a certain blond-haired boy.

They smile in response, nodding.

“I reckon, for a rocker boy with his head stuck in guitars, he was right.”

“Hey I heard that!” his voice yells.

“Serves you right for listening into a private conversation.” Soph and Rennie just chuckle under their breaths.

We sit there for a while, they get me caught up with their dating and getting married, and having their little boy Troy, buying the little café from the old man who once owned it. I tell them about moving to New York City, finding my family, my career and the love of my life. And of course, my two kids.

Before I know it, a hand’s on my shoulder, squeezing to get my attention. I look up and meet Kier’s eyes. “Is it time to go already?”

“Close to it. The pilot can wait a little while if you still want to stay and chat,” he drops a hand to the top of my hair. And nods at Rennie. “I’m Kier.”

“Rennie Emerson. Good to meet you.” The guys shake hands firmly.

“I’d rather not keep the pilot waiting so we’ll just go. You two must come for the wedding. I’ll send an invite in the mail when they’re out,” I stand, getting a little teary as I look at the two familiar, yet so changed faces in front of me, and the new life they’ve made between them.

“I’m so glad you dropped by,” Sophie hands Troy to Ren and rushes to my side of the table, crushing me in a tight hug.

“I’m glad I came back too,” I whisper, kissing her cheek, squeezing a last time and then letting go and doing the same for the baby and Rennie. “You better come for our wedding or I’ll be crushed. Shayne and his family’s coming too so don’t worry about the flight. We’ll fly you guys over.”

“Wouldn’t dream of it. I mean, free trip to New York City, baby,” Soph grins cheekily, kissing Kier’s cheek. “Now you make sure you treat my girl Ash here well, ya hear, drummer boy?”

I laugh at the nickname. He grins widely. “Don’t doubt me.”

“Don’t intend to! We’ll see you in a month or so for the big event. Troy, say bye to Aunt Ash.”

I giggle when the little boy waves his hand obediently. “See you guys soon!”

Shayne speeds us to the little local airport to make it in time for the flight. I’d been cutting it close with the long goodbyes.

“Thank you again. For knocking some sense into me and making me come back. See you at the wedding, bro.” I kiss his cheek, hugging him tightly then letting the guys do their goodbye bonding hug.

Then Kier’s grabbing my arm and we’re sprinting across the tarmac to the waiting plane and we’re lifting off to go back home. Yes, home. My home used to be in this little homey town, with people who knew everyone else and neighbours who watched out for each other. Now my home is in the big city, surrounded by tall fences and a big gate, with a big front yard and a bigger back yard.

I snuggle up to Kier’s side, glad for the warmth. It had been really chilly outside and the sprint to the plane hadn’t helped. His hand sweeps long strokes down my back. I yawn and he chuckles.

“Too much for one day.”

“Definitely,” I respond sleepily, closing my eyes.

“You did good today. I’m proud of you love.” He wraps his arm around my back more securely so my head’s tucked into the curve of his shoulder.

I barely hear the last part as I drift off to sleep, warm, protected and free.

A/N: thanks Little Silver Kitten, Lady of Confusion, silvershadow1379, Floppy125, Delineations . Aurora for the awesome reviews!!!

A/N 2: the words just kept on coming for this one. i should be sleeping but i couldn't sleep coz my fingers were itching to get the words down. now i'm tired but it's 9am and if i sleep now my bodyclock will be screwed. HELP!