Thoughts

It was Tuesday morning, the sky was dark and the floor was damp. I left my house half an-hour earlier than when I was supposed to. I had to rush to school to finish up my projects. Curse the shoe I was wearing, it brought discomfort with my every step.

Leaving my place, I walked briskly towards the train station as there was much to be done later. Reaching the train station around eleven o’clock, I immediately looked for the arrival timings display. There were two trains approaching, the first in one minute’s time and the second in seven minutes’ time. I took off and boarded the leaving train.

I thought of many things when I stood by the door, looking out at the scenery. I see the same sights everyday and each time I look at them I’ll go into a trance-like state, thinking about random thoughts.

The announcement system announced something which I almost missed. The words, “Next stop, Commonwealth,” were jumbled up with my thoughts. Suddenly, I thought of her. I wondered about how she’s living. I wondered about how she is with her new-found love after she left me. Is she really happier? Or happier then when things began?

Sigh, there’s nothing I can do about that. “Quit thinking, you fool!” My brain shouted to my heart, “Nothing will come out of it!” I tried to cease to think. It was seemingly impossible.

The train cruised on; I could see the next stop in sight. Oh, my alighting station. Finally, I was here. I turned towards my right like I always do, scanning the various faces as they pass by in split-seconds.

What did I just see?! I was semi-shocked. I thought that I was mistaken, but I was not. There was a group of people, four to five girls, two guys, no doubt about it. It was the group I knew, or maybe, the group I used to know.

Their smiles were still fresh in my mind, etched onto the very textile that was woven to form my brain. How could it be so coincidental?

Of all the faces I saw in that small crowd, I noticed one the most. She was wearing a blue tee, or something of the sort, one can’t see much in a split-second, you know. She leaned backwards against the hand-railing, hands on the railing, face tilted, smiling radiantly with cheeks that were red with happiness, she chatted with the guy next to her. He was at an angle, slightly larger in size, with spiked hair.

I remembered the times we spent together, the laughs we had and the tears we shared and shed.

I stepped out of the train. I fought the urge to look, but my fight was futile, as my heart threatened to stop pumping if my eyes refused to look. My brain gave in and my head rotated forty-five degrees in an anti-clockwise manner. I see her once again.

Instinctively, I wanted to call out, or it was more of my pumping heart who wanted to. “No, stupid, she dumped you, you damn fool!” My brain reminded my heart, “Stay hard, for when you’re soft, you’ll be taken advantage of.” These reminded me of the obvious truth. I felt deluded. Why was I so terribly delirious?

I took the chance, and I shouted her name. Stunned, she turned and faced towards my direction. As her head turned, I saw the train doors closing before she could enter. Her hair was flung out by the centrifugal force as her head rotated to look at me. She looked, stared and squinted for a bit and finally recognized who I was.

Her first reaction was foreseeable and was her signature I-don’t-want-to-see-you-but-I-have-no-idea-why-you’re-here-in-front-of-me look. It was more like a frown and a stare right into my eyes. I could feel her eyes piercing mine, as though my eyes were glass that could be seen through, allowing access to my brain.

“Erm, hey, how are you?” I asked.

“I’m fine.”

“Going out?”

“What do you think?”

“OK… Well, erm… I just wanted to say… erm…” And then I continued. I spoke every word I had on my mind. I translated my thoughts into ideas, then into words which I used to form my every sentence.

When I finished, she was looking downwards, at the ground. Like a lion that has caught sight of her prey, keeping still and looking at it to make sure it doesn’t run away. Eventually, her head slowly rose.

“I understand what you’re trying to say… In fact, I’ve been missing you as well... Each time I go home myself, I see you there beside me, sending me back… I know you want to be there for me as well… I think… maybe you’re right… I should give us another chance…?”

I looked at her, trying to figure out if she’s serious. Her head was once again bent slightly downwards, causing her fringe to fall onto her face. I wished I could draw her hair back for her. Right at that moment, that was not a difficult thing to imagine. “So… will you…?” I asked in a curious tone.

“Not in your fucking life.” She stared straight into my eyes, her head jerked up suddenly. Her words and look pierced through all my armor that I have placed before me to protect myself. “You can hope and whine and fucking bitch for all I fucking care, but I will not return to you! Not even over my fucking dead body!”

With that said she turned around, returning to her group of friends. She held the arm of her beloved and grasped his hand. The next train had arrived. I stood there, silent, looking at her as she stepped onto the train, never taking another look at me.