it's hard to believe how much you've grown. i saw you again in my
sleep and i wish it was me who was measuring your height on the wall.
i guess you're doing well, and that you're being taught what i
wouldn't be able to teach you, things i wouldn't even think about.
you look like me, you know, in the face, but you have your fathers
hair. i wish he could know you as i've always known you, with that
serene little half-smile on your still red face. tiny fingers and
little toes; slightly chubby cheeks. i wish you were with me now, so
i could tell you all the things i dream of telling you. i know you're
still too young to understand how much i miss you. but i hope you do
know, at least some part of you, how much love i have for you and how
i wish i could hold you again. maybe someday we'll meet on this plain
and you will know me in your heart as i know you. just to see you in
a dream is so heavenly that i never want to wake. how old are you
now? had you stayed with me, you would be 3. yet you did not. and
while i know there are many reasons for this that neither of us could
possibly comprehend, i still wish you had stayed with me. i love you
baby. and i welcome the dreams i have of you. i know your father
doesn't think of you much, if at all, but i'm sure he would have
loved you greatly. he knows about you. i told him and all he could
say was wow. i don't think he would have known what to do if he had
been your daddy. i know he did not love me, but he would have loved
you with all his heart. me and him shared alot of simularities when
it came to fathers and he even told me he would want to be with you.
i guess that wasn't really possible at the time. or now really, but
he would still have loved you. and your grandmothers would be so
happy. especially my mom. she would have gotten to see her first
grand baby all the time and would be so happy to see your little
smile. she always wanted a little boy, still does actually, but i
keep telling her i'll give her a grandson instead. little does she
know, she already has one. i wish i could tell her, but it would make
her sad and i like her to be happy. but what's most important to me
is that you're happy, wherever you are. may we someday meet...
blessed be, little one. goodnight, for it is late and you need your
rest. hopefully i'll see you soon. love, mommy.