A sickness
it consumes me
I cough
I wheeze
I struggle to breathe
this is no ordinary cold
no ordinary disease
because as far as I know

I’m the only one who has it

All people have energy within them. Not a good or bad energy persay, that’s something different. This energy is the energy that is considered your spirit, your element, what powers your soul.

My energy of that sort is fire. I am a flame within. And fire is sometimes hard to tame, or acts strangely… well, mine has somehow tapped into my brain and the energy of magic I have.

And when I’m in pain that is emotional, it manifests itself as physical or spiritual. Something that deeply affects me, that pains me so much that my emotional capacity overflows.

When my emotions got to over-stressed last year things happened. A little boy for instance, appeared at my friends house. He’s still around. I know who he is and how he acts… he belongs to me. Me and my over-stressed psyche.

Other things have come from me, from so long ago. The monster under my bed, the one who bites me and hurts me, he appeared a long, long, time ago. When my child-like mind could no longer handle my mother. He’s been under my bed ever since.

Once I had such weird reactions to stress, I pushed myself to let go in more normal ways, or handle - able ways. Instead of creating new beings out of thin air when my psyche breaks down.

When I get stressed out in a controllable way I can be like other people. Simply crying, or throwing up, or simple things like that. Easier to handle then eternal beings from presumably another dimension, born from a tortured childhood mind.

But I still get slightly abnormal reactions that are easier to hide. Like color flashes. My friend theorizes they come from my moods. I am still unsure. I am attempting to study myself with this.

I still haven’t quite figured it out. They are just moment when my vision gets a veil of color over it. It started in winter, for the first time. The sky turned yellow, and I felt as if I would faint. Other colors I’ve seen are orange, red, light blue, and dark green. And I don't have them frequently but still enough to take notice.

More physical things happen too. Like currently. I’m going through a lot of confusion and pain that requires a lot of courage that I sometimes fear I don't have. Because of this I believe I have gotten myself sick. Just like people who can fool their bodies into creating bruises, my body has fooled myself into getting a stuffy nose and headache in attempt to get myself to sit down and ignore all else. This happened to begin the night I cried heavily over my parents.

Now, people would claim it’s far fetched and I’m just sick from a virus or something. This is possible. But I believe that being sick is as much a mental as a physical thing. How else can you explain the fact that if you ignore pain it’ll stop. Or if you ignore an itch it’ll stop. Only if you concentrate on something will it become real. (That is also part of my belief on magic) Point is, I truly believe I am currently sick because my metal capacity can no longer handles stress. Therefore it made my body believe it is sick to slow me down, and slow my life down. (Though I think it’s too slow already)

Other reasons I believe this are because no amount of medicine has affected it. No amount of rest affected it. And the only time I’ve been able to breathe is when I solved something, or stopped thinking at all.

The sickness also increase because I am alone. Not physically but I am without my friends, who are my support system. No one can help me right now, so my body attempts to force me to sit down and figure it out myself.

And that’s why I feel as if I am the only one with my sickness. The only one.