Chapter 2

Piociflax and Argkillicus awoke in the middle of a deserted parking lot.

“So...” Piociflax said, “what now?”

“Well, I'm kinda getting kinda hungry,” Argkillicus replied. A rumbling sound shook the earth.

“I can see that,” Piociflax stated, the ground beneath him shaking.

“That's actually not me,” Argkillicus explained, but his voice was drowned out by angelic singing as a fast food restaurant emerged from the earth.

“Hmm... McDeathles... sounds good,” murmured Piociflax as he read the sign. Just then, the drive-thru window opened, and a greasy face looked out at them from its greasy world.

“I believe someone said they were hungry?” it asked.

Argkillicus raised his hand feebly.

“Ah, you. Well, what will you have, then?”

“I don't know. What are the nature of your wares?”

“Well, we've got grease, more grease, grease balls, grease shakes, and grease on a stick.”

The employee's face suddenly contorted.

“Oh, I wasn't supposed to say that, was I... oh great. Now I'll never get my soul back.”

The two hungry warriors stared at the acne-infested face.

“Alright, so I guess you guys would like two Jr. Burgers?”

“No. We want food,” Argkillicus replied.

“They are food,” the employee returned.

“We want real food.”

“Well, I believe you've come to the wrong place,” the employee smiled.

“We didn't even come here in the first place, though. You came to us.”

“No I didn't.”

“Yes, you did.”

“Nuh-uh.”

“Uh-huh.”

“Nuh-uh.”

With that, Piociflax whipped out his sword and decapitated the poor, greasy employee.

“I wonder if there's anyone else in there we can talk to...” he murmured, climbing through the window. Inside, there were several customers slumped over on their tables with the culprits, McDeathles burgers, still half-eaten in their limp hands.

“This place gives me the creeps,”Argkillicus said.

“Yeah, and there's no one here to kill,” Piociflax mumbled, disappointed.

“McDeathles! Curse your kill-stealing ways!” exclaimed Argkillicus. “From henceforth, I declare that I will not rest until McDeathles has been destroyed!”

“Okay... but what about rescuing Groggon?”

“He'll have to wait,”Argkillicus said brusquely.

“So how are you going to... um... you know... destroy McDeathles?”

“Ha! You have much to learn! Watch this!”

With that,Argkillicus walked behind the counter into the kitchen and ripped a poster off of the wall. Under it was an aluminum tube that led down into the earth itself.

“How'd you know that was there?” Piociflax asked.

Argkillicusopened his mouth, as if to say something, then closed it, looking confused.

“I have no idea,” he replied, then proceeded to jump into the tube.

Piociflax quickly poured a trail of gasoline around the building, lit it, and followed his companion into the tube.

He slid down on his belly at his top speed until he caught up with Argkillicus.

“Where do you think this leads?” he asked.

“Why, the center of the earth, of course,”Argkillicus replied. “That's where the mystical grease mines of Erebus can be found.”

Piociflax looked around edgily. “So... shouldn't it be getting hotter or something?”

“Ha! You have much to learn!”Argkillicus returned, then was silent.

“Oh...” Piociflax mumbled, realizing that not asking questions was the only way to become less confused.

Eventually, the tube ended, and they were spat out into the earth's core. Rather than molten lava everywhere, there was simply an enormous glob of solid grease, the centerpiece of a large metal room, being whacked with pickaxes by thousands of workers.

“Mine faster, slaves!” a slave driver said, whipping one of the workers.

“This must be where McDeathles gets all its food,”Argkillicus observed.

“Hey, look! It's Groggon!” Piociflax exclaimed, pointing towards their friend.

He noticed them and began to wave, an action which caused a slave driver to approach and severely flog him.

“But he got arrested by the police, didn't he?”Argkillicus mused. “It must be a conspiracy! The government is forming a coalition with McDeathles for world domination!”

What followed could only be described as a rush of adrenaline like no other, and would cause even the least squeamish to vomit up their intestines, fall to the ground, and begin to convulse spasmodically. So, in the interest of safety (and cleanliness), the scene was not recorded.

When the cloud of flying innards cleared, everyone was dead except the Roman trio.

“Well, that was fun,” said Argkillicus, extricating himself from a pile of human torsos.

Just then, a booming voice resounded through the room.

“What've you whippersnappers done to my workers?” it demanded.

“We killed them, of course,” Groggon replied.

“Ooh... I don't like it when that happens! I'm coming down there myself to punish you kids!” the voice exclaimed angrily.

Amoment later, a door opened in the side of the room, and through it came...

“Ethel McDeathle!” exclaimed Piociflax.

“That's right, younguns, and I'm gonna show you the true meaning of pain!” the old clown woman roared heinously.

All of the sudden, the room was filled with a blinding light, and the three Romans were gone.

“Nooo!” Ethel screeched.

Groggon, Piociflax, and Argkillicus found themselves in the UFO again.

“It's time for your weekly performance review,” the nearest alien said, “and we are pleased to announce that you three have fulfilled all your goals for the week.”

“You guys have no idea how thankful we are that you just rescued us,” Argkillicus said exuberantly.

“Oh... were you in the middle of something when we teleported you here?” the alien asked.

Just then, another alien entered the cabin holding paper bags.

“Alright everybody! I brought McDeathles for lunch!”