|A Disappointing Gonzo Journalist’s Last File
Author: Typewriter King PM
Rated T for Mr. Flames's crude language. You're so vain, you probably think this essay's about youRated: Fiction T - English - Humor - Chapters: 3 - Words: 7,615 - Reviews: 17 - Favs: 1 - Updated: 10-04-05 - Published: 09-23-05 - id: 2013393
|A+ A- Full 3/4 1/2 Expand Tighten|
path of the righteous man is beset on all sides by the inequities of
the selfish and the tyranny of evil men. Blessed is he who, in the
name of charity and good will, shepherds the weak through the valley
of the darkness. For he is truly his brother's keeper and the finder
of lost children. And I will strike down upon thee with great
vengeance and furious anger those who attempt to poison and destroy
my brothers. And you will know I am the Lord when I lay my vengeance
Where I say my piece
I've noticed that the law of diminishing returns is already strangling my project, so I'll abbreviate my publication of research notes by suspending activity after this short chapter. I guess people aren't as rapt by the fly-on-the-wall experience as I hedged they would.
Regardless, I've done the research, and will continue to publish findings that I find useful and interesting. And another thing! There's a goofball out there with several accounts that seems to misunderstand some things, and I'd like to call him out, employing the widely-admired style of punctuating my anger by using caps! Sing along if you want!
YOU PROBABLY THINK THIS ESSAY'S ABOUT YOU.
YOU'RE SO VAIN,
YOU PROBABLY THINK THIS ESSAY'S ABOUT YOU.
YOUR GEARBOX SEEMS TO BE BROKEN, 'CAUSE YOU ARE STUCK ON STUPID!
Well, it isn't about you. 'Nuff said. Also, your table tennis is bad, so you should feel bad, and you should learn to relax, and find a good hedge fund. There's something to worry about, being old and poor, probably without any teeth, and probably too forgetful to remember good booger jokes that would ease the pain. Oh yeah, having a lockbox full of post itÒ notes with booger jokes scribbled on them is a must. And while your at it, be sure to make a pact with your friend in case you grow old together. I can't stress enough that same-sex marriage isn't necessarily for those in love. Sharing power-of-attorney and things like that with a life-long friend will be invaluable when you're old.
But all that's for another forum. In this discussion, we're talking about mean people and their nefarious tricks, namely, Flames and ADVA. Yes, ADVA, whom I've decided now has posthumous, or rather, post-humorous, Russian citizenship, and a limp. And whistles show tunes, with punk arrangements. Don't forget Flames, he has a God complex, if Seth McFarland were God, which he is, but only in the future, when he looks for himself, for God only exists when an observation is made. Advanced theology is highly Heisenberg, you know.
The disturbed spirit of AVDA tells us these things. Also, King Mess- however you spell that, was No Trust. He said so, because he knows how much you guys hunger to have pranksters identified, which will be the subject of a future work of mine. No, it won't be about No Trust or any other Fictionpress user, incase the vain one had any ideas.
-Typewriter King, Senior Editor
Interview Sample (Resumed)
Mr. Flames: "What hasn't been done before is swimming in a sea of that which has, And as the sea of old information piles up, that which is new becomes harder and harder to see."
AVDA: "Yeppers. Yep yep."
Mr. Flames: "So, let's see," said he, breathing deeply into his lungs, for that's where air is stored in the body. Fictionpress is an ever-changing environment nested in the fact that all information is presented at initial (Sic) equal value until biases form which shape all subsequent opinion of arguments presented. Within this environment, due to the lack of moderation it is the responsibility of the viewers to regulate the information presented so that incorrect information is not presented as truth. Ultimately, due to the environment, it is quite difficult to subdue unfavorable opinions and unwanted pieces from flooding the site. The reviewers and readers try to subdue the tide of pointless information and waste; however, since there is no filtering system users have to confront the primary waste dispensers (individuals) in attempts to subdue the flow. To do this, various tactics ensue, including burning the rubbish (flames), or mirroring activities to devalue their importance and power. However, those who flame and those who mirror play a dangerous game of ultimately devaluing all work on the site by giving more attention to the waste that is present."
I told him that made sense, and no, I'm not going to follow up by writing my dialog out as "makes sense."
AVDA: "Makes sense." Hey, you've been warned that I have no credibility.
Mr. Flames: "Your earlier arguments still intrigue me, though, since they remind me of my old fixation with structuralism. The underlying current here is one of power. All users have a same initial state of power, either they post something or they do not. Those who post then try to vie for more power. The initial goal of many users on the site is to gain dominance over the site by flooding their opinion onto the masses."
AVDA: "Namir has an essay for everything."
Mr. Flames: "It is a system that is mirrored in economics, in Darwinian evolution, and is an interesting rule for free-information systems." At this point, he left his train of thought to defend Namir. "Not really, just a few major topics," he countered, "She's cute, though."
To this, I shouted an amusing quip.
"Clothes don't suck, nudists do!" The next day, Flames wrote titled Christian Homosexual Liberals Suck, or something like that. It received twelve reviews, including one from Tofujuky in disguise.
"She's the only person I've met online that I've actually talked to via phone," said he, not talking about Tofujunky. Actually, he's also heard my voice before. I said it was interesting, to which he affirmed.
"Unbelievably, she has writer's block! Her!" I spoke disbelievingly. Cat people don't go through this sort of thing, I should know.
"She only writes essays when something pisses her off, it seems."
"You must know her well," I said leadingly. He denied it, of course.
"I just read what she posts."
"This power-struggle game is intriguing, though, when it comes to establishing which essays become popular," he said abruptly, the italics visibly stressed on popular.
AVDA: "Paid accounts have an advantage, of course."
Mr. Flames: "I haven't paid for my account and some have claimed my personas can never die."
I've decided that.
Mr. Flames: "When you understand the system as a power struggle, then what is "right" and what is "wrong" isn't particularly relevant. Flames on their own are irrelevant, since it is merely if you allow your own power to be diminished that they become effective. Those who are capable of ignoring flames feed on them, using the attention to draw even more attention to themselves. This is true regardless of subject or biases held against the subject. However, as I have demonstrated in previous experiments, purely responding to flames is insufficient."
AVDA: "You should have a textbook on the subject."
He said he would if people would buy it, that mercenary.
Mr. Flames: "The flow of information is intriguing since it is purely intellectually based."
After that, we diverted to popular culture. He rifled through old VHS tapes and talked to no end about Stephen King, forgetting that Shawshank and The Green Mile (my favorites) were even King movies. I also managed to confess: " Spoilers never bothered me in the past. Can you believe I actually watched the original Star Wars films not knowing the ending?"
Not even that Darth Vader was Luke's father? No, I didn't know that, I watched it as God intended.
Thus ends the publishable portions of the interview. Stay tuned for ending notes by the senior editor. This is a total coup, score! Did I mention that Woodward and Bernstein are amateurs?
Many of you must wonder, why publish this? I know people that didn't really read it are wondering that. They ask me to "let it die already." It would seem they don't want this information out to the public, or, they think my research notes stokes a flame war. Baloney! It is through the process of transparency and published peer-reviewed journals that we'll come to understand social network warfare, and not through any other means.
The social network war fought on this site over this summer seemed among the most complex fought to date, and this was one active summer. Since the Gundam Wing fan fiction battle between the yaoi and Pro-Relena factions of Y2K, flame wars have only grown in scope. Such fights have spread into LiveJournals, email, and instant messenger harassment, but usually haven't been as damaging as schoolyard cyber-bullying, primarily because anonymity has usually held in tact for the members involved.
This wasn't true this time. Despite lacing this with humor, I can see danger in these battles. Just think about it, if one know where the town those-that-this-essay-isn't-about live, and know their names, it is trivial to find them in the phonebook. From there one only needs to know if one's bigger than them and can beat them up. Putting those facts into the equation, what if one were enough of a dork to see a fic about two paired characters one thinks should never be 'shipped as some desecration to the fandom?
At this point, I'd make some Columbine comparison, but Darthen's too sensitive to hear it. Hey, did anybody hear about the suicide bomber at my college? He exploded! Lol. Joel Henry Hinrichs III, 21, detonated himself outside of a Sooners game in Norman, Oklahoma. The mechanical engineering major was from Colorado Springs, Colo, according to the phone book. He was the only fatality, and it appears there was no second explosive device, as was initially reported.
All quotes were used without the permission of the authors.
Don Adams, 82, who played Agent 86 on Get Smart, stepped into the cone-of-silence of the last time one week ago. Adams was widely known for talking into a shoe and for having a voice as distinctive as Adam West's. Your voice talents will be missed, but your burial sure was interesting.