The 4th of July

She’s the kind of person who gets calmer and calmer as things get more chaotic. During finals, the most you can get out of her is a quiet stare from behind her Chemistry textbook. I’ve never heard her talk about her feelings, her problems, her life. Other than that, she’s always cheerful with a ready smile. She’s the model student; sports, clubs, tutoring, school leadership, debate, AP’s and honors like crazy, community service, you name it, she does it. Did I mention she’s pretty, too? I asked her out once, but she was busy as usual. We’re friends nonetheless, and sometimes I worry about her.

That’s what scared me about that night. Actually, it was a couple things. First, she wasn’t busy and she asked me to hang out. That never happens. Ever. Second, she was deathly calm, even though it was summer break and she had nothing to stress over. Third… well, I’ll get to that later.

It was Fourth of July weekend when she called me. Unexpected, too, considering how anti-phone she normally was. She asked me to go hiking with her on the fourth, up near Villa Montalvo. I accepted, glad to have a chance to be with her during summer vacation.

We started out late, so the sun set partway along the hike. Luckily we planned for that and had flashlights. For most of the time, we didn’t say anything. Stars peeked through the open spaces between tree branches overhead. The heavy foliage filtered the moonlight, and I remember one patch of light shining on the trail looked like a rabbit leaping into the darkness.

The trail ended at Lookout Point. A while back, someone chained a bench in the middle of the clearing, facing the entire valley. It must be quite a sight in the day-time, but at night it’s just a grid of yellow dots, thinning out near the base of the mountains.

It was cold, especially for July, but we huddled together on the bench to keep warm. She looked like she was waiting for something, and I wondered what. After a while of just sitting there, we started chatting about some things. I think we hit most of the major topics: school, break, parents, college. She seemed sad. When I pointed that out, she didn’t deny it. We talked a little longer, and soon I was asking about her. It was the first time she really told me about herself, but hey, it was a night of firsts.

Around 9:28 by my watch, I realized she was depressed. Before I could do or say anything about it, she pointed at the horizon. In the general direction of Great America, fireworks were going off like flowers shooting out of the darkness. It took a few seconds for us to hear the explosions, but before we did, another display was going off to our right, then another one started to the left. It was strangely peaceful watching the colors dancing on the skyline as we listened to the distant booms. I heard her sigh, then I felt her head on my shoulder. She seemed all right for the moment, but all the problems she had told me about weighed heavily on my mind. I hugged her, wishing we could just watch fireworks like this for the rest of our lives and never have to worry about anything.

We were silent again on the way back. When she dropped me off at my house, she hugged me and said, “Thanks,” and then she was gone.

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She killed herself later that night, overdosing on sleeping pills, just like another girl a few years back. I should have known something was wrong. That’s what kills me inside all the time. I could have saved her, talked to her just a little longer.

But sometimes I wonder. Maybe she’s happier where she is now than in the life she would have led. She would have been miserable, trying to be happy while suffering inside.

It kind of touches me that I was there at least. She had someone. In some ways, I’m her suicide note.

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And sometimes I miss her. So much.