I know I haven’t been posting any more ideas in a long time. So I’m back and it seems like the vanquishing of the beast is not over. (I don’t think it will ever be.) If you want to know about “Cool Ways to Kill Yourself,” go to http:www (dot) a1b2c3 (dot) com/suilodge/metfun1(dot) htm.

-Sentenced to a brutal, violent punishment of caning in Singapore. (A/N: Singapore is much stricter than the U.S., with the exception of the death penalty.)

-Beaten to death with leaden whips.

-Pour gasoline into the shower fire alarm. Then put Barney, Baby Bop, BJ and anyone else you hate into the same room with the shower fire alarm and have Barney light a match. This will set them ablaze.

-Show kids how the dinosaurs became extinct by having Barney be there during the next volcanic eruption.

-Place mousetraps all around the room and have Barney walk right into them. (This might not necessarily kill him, but anyone who likes seeing the beast in extreme discomfort will enjoy seeing this.)

-Use him as a target for practicing throwing ninja stars.

-Use him as a target for when Fish Eye is practicing throwing knives. (He might have a bad aim at first, but with more practice, he might get better.)

-Dress you and your friends as the mythical Sirens and have someone lure Barney to where you guys will be. Once you know that the beast is nearby, sing one of his happy songs. As soon as Barney approaches one of you, drown him.

-Have him travel to each country and read the “things not to ask in foreign lands” and other foreign jokes to the natives there.

-Get him to read “Cool Ways to Kill Yourself” and tell him that if he doesn’t do any of the things listed there then you won’t be his friend anymore.

-Put him in a bathtub full of meat. Let him soak there for a while. Then have him go out in public where there are a lot of dogs nearby. A lot of dogs would love to sic their teeth into this nice juicy treat! (If you get a chance while watching as the dogs chase Barney around, get out your boom box and play Baha Men’s “Who Let the Dogs Out?”)

-Have him dress as a big bucket of kitty litter. The cats would sure love to crap and piss on him.

-Knock all his teeth out and put them under your pillow for the tooth fairy. If you don’t believe in the tooth fairy, make a necklace with his teeth and sell it.

-Have him become a fire eater. Put some hot small peppers on a stick and light them up. Give it to him and watch as he endures the burning sensation.

-Oh, what the heck! Stab him with a butcher knife.

-Have him play blindfold hide-and-seek, only with you “hiding” and him “seeking”.

-Put him in a pit full of poisonous snakes.

-Make him walk on hot coals.

-The Barney Punching Bag.

-Disembowelment.

-Put him on the Catherine Wheel and once you have him painfully secure, set the wheel in a high place where birds can peck at the remains.

-Mock executions to ensure that the “Barney and Friends” show will remain cancelled. (He will be so traumatized that every time the thought of putting the “Barney and Friends” show back on the air came to him, he would probably push that thought from his mind by consuming drugs and/or alcohol, or if these mock executions brought good fortune to us Barney-haters, commit suicide.)