The Jump Theory

Written by Jia Zhang

“Have you ever thought of leaving this place?”

Kali blew smoke out of her mouth. It was dark and the cigarette burned inside the cold winter air. The night was pitch black, making it hard to see. Only the Earthly Moon that hung deep beyond the horizon gave off any light. The night was her master, her savior, her capture, her protector. The night was her beloved.

She placed the cigarette in between her lips—they were rosy and pink, shivering from the Northern wind. With her hand, bare against the winter’s burn, trembling and quivering, she ran it gently through her auburn hair, bright like fire even in the dark.

How she loved the night, the darkness and the peace. The city glittered only miles away, but up here on the edge of the cliff, she was free, and the city seemed to far away for her to care about anything—it was her only solace, this periodic amnesia.

“Leaving?”

She took the cigarette from her mouth, blowing out the smoke. She laughed, echo calling back at her with a laughter of taunting and mocking.

“Thinking of leaving, Amadeo?”

The boy nodded. She laughed again, ruffling his black hair. He gazed at her with two wide windows, sparkling blue and gray. He hugged himself tightly upon the rock beside her. He shivered lightly, but knew that this was the only time he would have all week to speak with her. She was the only one who’d listen, anyways, whether or not she showed it. Kali was always this way, he remembers—cold, aloof, indifferent. But she listened, she was patient, and she cared more than anyone else, since there was no one else to care anyways. It was enough. That was all you ever got here.

“Jesus, Amadeo, who the fuck gave you that stupid idea?” she sneered.

She threw the cigarette down the cliff, letting it fall deep within the dark forest. The woods swallowed it whole with its arms, and feet, and limbs, and claws. It was a long way down, and they were hanging by the edge, trapped by this magnificent vertigo. You can’t escape gravity, but it was fun playing with it. She loved dangling at the edge, waiting to fall, yet not falling at all. It was a waiting game.

She blew on her hands, rubbing them together. They were rough, and red, but it was worth it.

Amadeo shifted in his seat. He wrapped the overly large black coat around him. He hated her tone. “No one...”

She snickered. “No one? You’ve got to be kidding me. I’ve been here for over 10 years, baby. I hate this fucking shit-hole, but not once has the thought of leaving crossed my mind.”

“Why?”

He gaped at her in honest curiousity. She turned to him, looking at him intently, trying to figure out perhaps of what the boy was thinking. She sighed, and took another cigarette from her coat pocket. She placed it between her lips, and lit it with a golden lighter. She took a long drag, and blew into the night.

“I just don’t. You should stop asking so many questions, and stop thinking so much, Amadeo. You can’t be like that in this world. Amadeo...” She paused, a rather disgruntled look on her face. “Amadeo! What kind of fucking name is that?”

The boy furrowed his brows at her. He bit his lip lightly, tempted as to whether or not he should just leave right now.

“My mother gave it to me. It means “Beloved of God”. She named me after a musician.”

“You can actually remember your mother?” Kali looked at the boy incredulously. He nodded. She smirked. “Shit. Well aren’t you the little musical saint? Hn?”

The boy looked down into the deep drop, into the eyes of the forest. A wolf howled at the Moon from somewhere near, and he shuddered unconsciously. The wind blew harder, chilling him to the bone. He knew Kali was cold as well, but she never showed it. She rarely showed anything at all—constantly keeping away from feeling. How do you do it? he wanted to ask. How do you keep from feeling?

“I’m not a saint,” he finally answered.

Kali laughed.

“Oh? Well, only a saint has enough power to dream here in this Hell-hole.”

“How do you it?”

She turned to him in surprise, the smoke blowing from her mouth, the cigarette between her fingers. He blushed, even against the cold. He didn’t know why he said he; it just came out. But his curiousity got the best of him.

“What did you say?”

He looked at her, slightly shy, slightly quiet. “How do you do it? Keep yourself from feeling?”

She gave a wide mocking grin, and reached over and ruffled his hair. “Damn! You are really a stupid little kid.”

He shook her hand off, glaring at her all of a sudden.

“I’m not a kid! I’m old enough, aren’t I? I’m about the same age as you when you started...” He gave out a heavy sigh, turning his gaze from the surprised look on Kali’s face. He glared at the city instead.

She looked at him in complete surprise, the cigarette dangling between her fingers. She gave a light smile, shaking her head as she brought it to her mouth, and she inhaled heavily. She blew out smoke rings into the dark, and let out a deep breath.

“I know. You’re not a kid, but I can’t help treating you like one. You’re so much...tougher than I was, but more innocent than I was.”

The boy blinked at her in surprised. “Me? Tough?”

She smirked, never taking her eyes off the city. “Yeah. I was just a stupid kid when I first got here. I didn’t know shit about this fucking place. Just a stupid kid, who made a stupid mistake, and had to pay for it.”

She took the cigarette of her mouth, and breathed in, and out. In and out. In. Out. In. Out. She suddenly wanted to pass out.

“Well, then have you ever thought of leaving?”

Kali gazed down deep into the deep valley below the cliff, a somber smile upon her handsome features. “Leave? How can I leave? We’re do I go? They’ve grabbed me by the roots, and they won’t let go. I’m been here so long, I’ve grown moss!” She laughed pathetically. “No matter what I do, what I am, what I become, I will always belong here.” She took another drag, before turning to Amadeo. “But you can leave—this place hasn’t got you yet.”

The boy was silent for a moment.

“It’s not too late.”

“It is for me.” She was quiet, unsure as what to say next. She remembers how she was like this once—a child who didn’t understand anything. She had tried to leave, attempted, but she was always dragged back, kicking and screaming, begging and bleeding, pleading and crying. It was no use—she learned that a long time ago.

A rather pained looked transpired over Amadeo’s face, almost as if he had been bitten by a venomous serpent.

“We can leave. We can leave together; get out of this place. Head for the deserts, or the swamps down south.”

Without parting her eyes from the deepness of that obscure cliff, she reached over and ruffled his hair.

“Don’t dream about stupid things, Amadeo. Dream is always fine, but you have to be realistic.” She inhaled deeply, and blew out the smoke. She felt as if she was burning inside, incinerating into bits of dark ash. “We can’t be children forever. The world is an absolutely cruel teacher. It’ll slap you in the face, and won’t even apologize for it. It’s worse for us, because outside this place, you still got a chance. Down here, there’s nothing for you. You wake up everyday, hoping for someone to take you away. It was a dream, and you wake up, and all you want to do is cry.”

She gritted her teeth.

“The chances are better out there. But things are just bad out there. I think everyday about the guys I lost, the ones I couldn’t protect well enough. I have guilt, I have regret, but I know that isn’t of any use to me. Reality is no place for dreams...not even if you are a beloved of God. We’re His forsaken children—remember that. God will love you, but as long as you’re mortal, He can’t help you. So there’s no use praying, no use hoping, no use wishing.”

She took a deep drag from the cigarette, tasting the nicotine on her tongue. It was bitter, and it was sweet. That was why she liked it.

“All we can do, Amadeo, is go on living. Go on breathing, no matter how fucking hard it is. This is all we’ve got. We can try to crawl out, but it won’t always work, you gotta understand that.” She tapped the ashes off from her cigarette, and watched it drift away into the wind. The Moonbeams sparkled, and for a moment, she felt content. “I lied before. I’ve tried; we’ve all tried. But it came a time for us to realize that there are some things we cannot do.”

Amadeo looked down into the valley.

“Then what is the point?”

“There is no point.” He turned to her in surprise. “Not everything in life has a point. We expect there to be one, but there isn’t. At least, we won’t find out anytime soon. We’re human, nothing more. We’re like any other species; we are ruled by our primal desire—to live.”

“If it’s this way, and it’s always this way, why even bother to live? Why do I bother to wake up in the morning, if every day is supposed to be like this?”

“It’s just this way. It the way things are.” She threw the cigarette into the valley, watching the small sparkle of fire swallowed by the unearthly darkness. The vertigo entrapped her, and she was being pulled by this mad kaleidoscope. She stood up, dangling by the edge.

“Kali...”

“It’s just this way that we jump, and we fall, and we fall, hoping that we’d land on our feet.” She spread out her arms, and closed her eyes, feeling the wind sweep through from under her. “Do you think, Amadeo, that if I fall, I’d land on my feet?”

There was a frightening silence, but the city continued on, unaware to the presence of the boy and the girl that watched it respectfully from their place beyond the mountain cliffs. This was their forbidden city, no matter if they despised it, or if they loved it. No matter if they left, or if they stayed, hoping for something better, this would always be their city. It stole their souls a long time ago with its Pied Piper tunes, and promises from deep inside a magic lamp. But the song was a tragic tune, and the lamp was much too rusty to be of any use.

“If I fall, will I land on my feet, Amadeo? Amadeo...Amadeo...”

FIN