Where He Went Wrong
by Lifelike
For Maddie.

Damien wonders where he went wrong with his life.

He often wonders this when he is thinking about the band and how well they are doing and yet how little time he spends doing other things. It's always the band. Oh sure, he likes to play and finds it fun to be so big, but there are times when he feels like crawling into a little tiny hole and never coming out.

He looks up to Gabriel because Gabriel is big and charismatic and normal. Gabriel is, and Damien says this in the most platonic of ways (he supposes), absolutely beautiful in every way. Gabriel is who everyone loves and, in turn, Gabriel is just as nice to them. And even when Gabriel is down, Damien is always happy nearby.

Tonight they are at some big party and the band has merged into the faces of the Hollywood stars and glam rock idols while Damien stands idly by the refreshments table with a glass of champagne in one hand and his other in his pocket. He surveys the crowd but with little interest. No one here attracts him, and he can't even see the hard light that is Gabriel in the crowd, so Damien assumes he must be in the other room mingling. Damien would mingle if he felt good, but he feels like shit.

Several women walk up to him, none of them he can recognize, though they must be reputable if they are at such a formal party. One of them asks him to join them in a conversation and she gestures extravagantly to a nearby table. Damien peers around them. Will is sitting there talking to several men, and Damien can see he's hammered already. He glances at the wine in his hand and wonders just how many glasses it would take to get Gabriel smashed too. He accepts their invitation and joins an overly affectionate Will and a group full of high class fans.

He doesn't pay attention to their playful bantering and scans the crowd once more, but cannot find Gabriel. His heart sinks. Oftentimes Damien is thinking about Gabriel and his wiry blond hair. He thinks about how it would feel to kiss him, press their lips together for even a brief second and fall into oblivion. He might lose his place in the band or his friendship with Gabriel, but he would feel ten pounds lighter. He also wonders how he could get Gwyneth to tell him what it's like to kiss him, what it's like to feel him.

He never does.

And suddenly the room is bright and Damien whirls around and smiles accidentally. Gabriel has stepped into the room with a smile and a glance to their table, and Damien waves and Will notices and shouts, "Oi! Gabriel!"

His heart is thumping, beating and hammering against his ribcage as Gabriel elegantly pulls out a chair and slides lucidly into it, flashing a smile at his bandmates and acknowledging the rest. Just like Gabriel, Damien thinks, and he wonders if he's as flushed and hot as he feels.

He thinks about what it would feel to be in Gabriel' embrace or to feel his hand encased in a more-than-friendly way between Gabriel'. He wonders how Gabriel gets his inspiration, and he thinks Gwyneth, and he wonders that maybe there is a chance that if Damien kisses Gabriel, maybe there could be a song about Damien too, and maybe, just maybe, there is a chance that Gabriel will feel the same.

He can't take it anymore and he stands and whispers to Gabriel, "Can you step outside with me for a moment? I have to ask you something."

Gabriel nods, a little surprised, but excuses himself and tells Will to lighten up with the drinks because there's still an after party and they're going to a nearby pub. Then he follows Damien down the stairwell (because the elevator is broken, of course) and into the cold street and into a nearby alley. And Damien is at a loss for words.

Gabriel is leaning against the opposite wall, looking his way with an inquisitive smile on his pretty face and Damien has all the chance in the world to pin him there and kiss him and tell him everything that goes on in his head because Gabriel is there. And for a moment he considers running forward and meshing their lips sticky and bitter with alcohol and Damien runs through all the scenarios in his head that could happen afterwards.

He thinks some more as Gabriel blinks and looks confused and asks him why he brought him out here anyway, because it's fucking chilly out here. Damien comes to the conclusion that Gabriel would never, ever strike him, but he is a father and a husband and wouldn't take too kindly or happily to Damien suddenly shoving a tongue down his throat, and he knows that would ruin any chances Damien would have in the future, and he also knows that if he did it, their friendship would be over.

So Damien clears his throat and asks, "Do you think we're taking the band in the right direction?" And he sees Gabriel' face and adds quickly, "Because the sound is so good, I really do like it, and I wanted your opinion too."

Gabriel lights up and smiles big and says, "I think we've found our niche, Damien. I think we're doing great." His hand makes contact with Damien's shoulder and it warms his entire body. "Is that all?"

No, no... please... Gabriel. "Yeah," Damien says half heartedly. "It is."

Gabriel starts back and notices Damien still standing in the alley forlornly. He says, "Coming?"

Damien nods. "Just a second. You go ahead."

Gabriel flashes him a concerned look and says, "Something bugging you, Damien?"

Yes. "No, it's nothing. I need some air." The other doesn't look convinced, and Damien says, "Really, I'm fine, Gabriel, I swear."

Gabriel raises a brow and says, "Okay, but don't leave me or any of the band in the dark, Damien. Speak up, okay?" And he disappears into the light and music of the party.

Damien shoves his hands in his pockets and looks up at the sky. He was bound to speak up about it one day or another, perhaps when all the crazy urges subsided and both of them were elderly and old and playing with their kids in the park, and Damien wonders if he will be happy with a woman who is not Gabriel, or even a man who is not Gabriel.

And Damien wonders if this is where his life will go wrong.