How To Write An English Paper

(A Satisfactorily Stress-Free System By Which To Achieve An ‘A’)

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First put the Title at the top

(it’s best if your Title has words such as

‘Analysis’ or ‘Study’ in it,

to make you look Decidedly Distinguished),

then your Name on the next line,

and the Date below that

(this serves to take up Space

as well as to make the whole thing seem

Appropriately Important).

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Now, write an Introduction

(if your Paper is to be about a Book,

begin with a Quotation that seems

Sufficiently Significant, then

say something about the

Main Character undergoing a

Tremendous Transformation.

If your Paper is not to be about a Book,

simply recount a Personal Anecdote,

then state that you have always been

Inspired by your Grandfather).

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Next, compose a Thesis Statement

(it doesn’t really matter what your

Thesis is about, as long as you have

the words ‘Within’, ‘Therefore’, ‘Throughout’,

‘Personal Conflict’ and ‘Human Emotion’

interspersed evenly throughout the Sentence.

This will make you seem

Properly Philosophical),

and place it at the end of the Introduction.

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Now it is time for the Body of the Paper

(this seems Decidedly Difficult, but it really isn’t.

Simply write three Perplexing Paragraphs

filled with Nothing but Nonsense

(the Idea here is that if You don’t

understand it, then neither will the Teacher),

and just be sure to mention the

Main Character at Some Point.

(Do not worry if your Body is Too Terse,

as that will be dealt with Presently.). ).

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Now you must Re-read your Body and Spice-It-Up

(this is only to be used when writing about a Book) All you need to do is Follow these Two Steps:

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1) Add Stylish Symbolism

(Merely choose a Random Noun from Said Book,

then explain how it Symbolizes either your

Main Character, or his Arch Enemy, or his Cat

(when Executed Effectively, this will add a

good Half Page to your Paper).).

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2) Add Countless Quotations

(this is also Extremely Easy.

Just open your Book to a Random Page,

pick a Random Paragraph,

narrow it down to a Random Sentence,

then include it within Quotation Marks,

“Like So,” and explain how

it Relates to your Thesis

(it doesn’t actually have to Relate,

but if You say it does

your Reader will believe You).

Repeat Step Two until your Paper

is Likeably Lengthy and Suitably Spiced-Up).

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Finally, write a Conclusion

(this can be done easily by having

the words ‘In Conclusion,’ followed by

your Thesis Statement, but jumbled up

so the words are in an Alternate Order

(This is called Restating your Thesis),

so for Practical Purposes,

you are Really Reiterating your Point).

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You now have before You an

Enlightening, Introspective, and Analytical Essay,

but do not blame Yours Truly

if your English Teacher is not

of the same Frame of Mind.