Thursday, November 26th
Dear Diary

Something happened tonight – something I don’t understand.

I feel like something inside me has broken, like one of the armored layers around my heart has shattered. But even stranger than the fact that something was powerful enough to get to me is the fact that I don’t hate it.

Actually, it feels good to get some fresh air.

That doesn’t necessarily mean that I’m coming out of my shell or anything like that. I’m not a new person, I’m not changing my outlook on life, I’m not a fucking convert.

However, I have been doing a lot of thinking these past days (you would know, diary – I’ve been sharing it all with you) and what I’ve come up with is this:

People are not meant to be alone.

As a matter of fact (and Darwin will support me on this one), we are social animals – we thrive only when together. It’s the only way evolution can occur after all – in the community. And that’s why I’ve made friends with the most unlikely of people. I need a sense of companionship so badly that I’ve associated with the very people I can’t stand.

I thought I was crazy. But it makes sense now.

I can’t really see myself becoming buddy–buddy with these Christians or anything, but I’m not opposed to a casual friendship. In fact, I enjoy being with them.

Wait, wait – screw everything I said. I am crazy. I’m so crazy I’m saying stuff I don’t mean.

But I think I do mean it. I really think I do.

...

It’s affecting me in other ways too. Like these Christians have some sort of fucking power to change me. I’m not a puppet, and I don’t like being manipulated, but it’s not a conscious thing: it’s like having a positive influence in my life again.

For example, I’m not as annoyed with Mom as I have been for the past seven, eight years. In fact, I can carry on stunted conversations with her now without wanting to kill myself.

Doesn’t mean we’re best friends or anything. I don’t think I’ll ever get to that place, and I don’t really want to quite honestly.

What does this all mean? Well, basically a stereotype/prejudice I’ve always harbored is slowly changing – for the better. I mean, tolerance is the thing of America, right? Who’s to say that we shouldn’t tolerate Christians just because they worship God and throw Bibles at everyone?

Funny mental image, sorry.

On the other hand, I can’t say I agree with all Christian philosophy, and I think I’ve made that abundantly clear already, diary. But some of their principles make more sense to me now, probably because I’ve heard them fleshed out and actually defined.

As for heavy theology, Pastor Jeff hasn’t talked much about things like predestination – or anything else that’s sure to rile my feathers. When we get to those topics, we’ll see how my new association with religion holds up.

...

Oh, and fuck – Jace’s song was amazing.

Diary, I’m going to apologize in advance because I’m bound to babble a bit here, but I can’t honestly begin to even describe what I felt hearing their song. It was so good, so amazing – I can’t describe it. Jace is an amazing poet, and he and Dylan together goodness.

I mean, it doesn’t seem like the most difficult song to play, but their creativity coupled with their passion for music made it phenomenal. It really spoke to me, and overall it was one of the most beautiful songs I’ve ever heard.

Insane.

Oh, and Jace as a person continues to speak to me too. Tonight, he was obviously exaggerating the situation with that girl at school, but I think I really saw him vulnerable and hurting. But he was staying strong, because he wants to be an example, and I could tell that he wanted to be strong for me.

It’s just something I feel.

I can’t explain the connection I have with him – it’s intangible, but it’s powerful, and I wouldn’t trade it for anything at the moment. Right now, it’s what’s keeping me going.

That’s all I have to say.