Never Again

I run through the halls looking for somewhere to hide. I try to shut them out, but I can hear them talking about me, saying things like “She’s such a stupid girl”, “Who does she think she is?”, “She deserves it”, “Hope she leaves”, ‘Ugly”, “Weak”, “Crazy”. It feels like I’ve been running forever, but in reality, it has only been five minutes. Finally I find a bathroom. Good, it’s the one that's broken, no one will think to look for me here. As I look at myself in the mirror, I can see the tears falling down my cheeks. I didn’t even realise I was crying. As I look closer, all I can see is a weak and stupid little girl who doesn’t deserve to be here. I lean against the wall for support, but slowly I collapse and end up sitting brokenly on the floor. The torment and ridiculing has finally become enough, I don’t think I can do this anymore. I can easily remember the first days of school. I was the new kid and I just assumed that all the new kids went through this torment.

I walk into the room and all eyes are on me, I am the new girl after all. For the first few hours, everything is good. Everybody is asking me questions. Where I’m from, what/who I like etc. but soon they seem to lose interest in me. As far as I know, that’s normal for children our age, nothing really holds our interest for long. But the next day, people are already acting differently around me. They look at me funny, like they don’t quite know what to think of me. As I walk to my first class, I hear the students whispering, and I think I see a few pointing fingers at me, but I think nothing of it. As I step into the class, everybody immediately starts laughing and making fun of me. Apparently, one of my roommates has said I still have nightmares. At the end of the day, the teasing has me in tears, and, of course, the whole school knows about this little fact the next day.

My tormentors didn’t ease up on me after that, they only got worse. They threatened and bullied every single person who tried to befriend me, and after a while, no one even tried anymore. By this time I had become afraid of saying anything, knowing the others would find a way to use it to make fun of me.
I have become introverted, and I am not the same girl who came to this school with hopes for a fresh start. As I sit here in the bathroom, these emotions of pain, hate and righteous anger keep building up. Suddenly, I am pulled into another memory.

I am sitting outside, at the edge of the forest, enjoying these few minutes alone. Abruptly, THEY shatter the peace. I can hear them coming from miles away, but I know hiding will do no good; they will just use that against me and call me a coward because of it. I try to steel myself against what I know is coming, but even though I try, the words hit me like a jackhammer. Why wouldn’t they, it’s all I ever hear. As they keep going on about how useless and pathetic I am, I just sit there, my posture stiff and my face showing nothing of the turmoil happening inside of me. I don’t break down and cry until I know that they will not hear me and realise that they did indeed hurt me. My sobs come from deep down, but practice has taught me to make almost no sound when I weep.

I come out of the memory, shaken to the core. All of my memories affect me badly, but this one the worst. This was the first time I actually thought about ending everything, as there wasn’t anything to keep me here anyway, so why not. The only thing that stopped me was my last shred of pride. I wouldn’t let them get the satisfaction of getting the final proof of how useless and pathetic I was. The first time I actually hurt myself happened about two months after that episode.

Today has definitely been the worst so far. I don’t know how, but somehow they found out why I changed schools. When I came down to breakfast today, they all had a sadistic smile on their faces. It's giving me a bad feeling about everything. Suddenly, Mark starts talking. “I know your secret, Bloomfield.” At this, I look up at him, startled, hoping against hope that it isn’t true.

“I think I’ll share it with the rest of the school. Don’t you think that’s a good idea? I think they deserve to know they have a piece of filth living amongst them.”

‘No, please no! Please don’t tell them!’ I cream in my mind, but I am too stunned and scared to say it out loud.

“We have here amongst us a true and flamboyant fag. Isn’t that just the most disgusting thing you have ever heard! She actually likes other girls! Better stay far away from her so you won’t get infected.”

By now, the whole hall is laughing at me, or that’s at least what it feels like. I’m horrified someone would go that low just to humiliate another person. I have long since learned to hide my feelings, and as I stand up and walk out the door, my face a mask of boredom, I pretend to not care about what they are saying. But, as soon as I am out the door, I run to the forest to hide. As I sit in the forest, I find a piece of broken glass. I cut myself, and the feeling is liberating.

From that day on, cutting becomes my relief. I can’t believe that is half a year ago. Of course, I couldn’t hide that forever, either, and the revelation of that is what has brought me here.

After mulling over my memories for so long, I have finally made my decision. I will not let them control me anymore. As I contemplate my plan I promise myself, never again. Never again will they bully me; never again will they dare bully someone else. As I get up to put the last pieces of this puzzle together, I feel a satisfaction and a confidence I haven’t had for a long time, and I finally feel as if I can go through with my decision as I see fit, whether or not they approve.