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IMPORTANT PLEASE READ: Well, I’ve pretty much decided to put this thing on hiatus. I’ll post what I have left (I think there’s one more chapter), but I can’t keep writing something I’ve totally lost the creativity for. That’s doesn’t mean I won’t come back to it because I probably will, but it won’t be any time soon. Right now, I’m working on something that I started over a year ago and the ideas just started flowing and I can’t stop writing. It won’t be posted until I’m nearly finished since I don’t want to get halfway through it and decide not to post it. I’m sorry if this disappoints any of you. I appreciate the few of you that have stuck around.
Enjoy that we’re now in the present. No more excessive italics! Kayli
Nightingale
© KES
Chapter Seven
I Can’t Tell You Why
The broken heart I'd drawn on the window those hours ago was streaked and looked as weary as I felt. "So that's it," I said with hesitation. Now that the story was done, I wasn’t sure what to say anymore.
“What about this picture, Cailin?” Ben gestured at the newspaper.
“It was…” my loss for words had completely taken over. How could I rightfully explain that moment, that absolutely perfect moment…
Not like that, I thought sardonically.
He looked at me expectantly. I wanted to run away. “I think,” I paused, “it was his way of saying he was sorry for his temperamental behavior.”
He looked so incredulous that I almost laughed. “You don’t believe me,” I said, “But this was one fraction of a moment, Ben. It wasn’t as intense as it looked.” I added quickly, seeing that he was about to interrupt.
He picked up the paper and scanned through the article, silent for a while. My eyelids were feeling suddenly heavy and I longed for sleep. It felt like I hadn’t had a good night’s sleep since I’d met Brenden.
“He did this because of you,” he said softly, “he drank himself to stupidity because of you.”
I didn’t reply.
“He let his relationship go to shit because of some girl he didn’t even know,” Ben continued boldly, “this is all because of you.”
I glowered at him, “Blame me for your problems, not for his.”
“You’re defending him?” He stood, incredulous.
“I’m defending myself!” I shouted, “I screwed up, Ben, I know I have, but I loved you enough to never touch him.”
“You loved me enough? It’s past tense now?”
“Of course not! Do you think I’d have bothered telling you everything if it was?”
“Then what the—“
I left the living room. I could handle him being mad about the situation at hand, but to be a prick about my bad choice of words was just ridiculous.
A few minutes later, he entered the kitchen and stood next to me, silent. We were both staring intensely at the refrigerator, but were far too deep in thought to realize it.
After a few minutes of agonizing silence, Ben finally spoke. “I’m going to need some time, Cailin.” I didn’t say anything; I knew this was coming. “If you could stay with Kate or something—just for a little while—I’ll pick up your rent for the month, and I’ll call you when I know something.”
I just nodded. Ben watched me with detached interest as I silently gathered my things. I felt like a bug under a microscope. I left without another word.
I didn’t know just how late it was until I got in the car. The clock flashed just past three in the morning. I leaned against the window, feeling so totally numb that the below freezing temperature didn’t affect me at all. I started my car with what felt like a lot of effort.
I didn’t go to Kate’s.
I called Brenden’s cell phone from a pay phone on the corner.
“Hell—man, shut up, I know—hello?”
“Brenden?”
“Cai—“
“Shh!” I hissed.
I could hear him mumbling excuses to people around him; a door closed before he spoke again. “Where are you?”
“Outside,” I said after some hesitation.
“What?!” he exclaimed, “Why are you here?”
“I need to talk to you,” I said quietly, “I need to know that what happened to you isn’t my fault.”
“Nothing happened to me, Cailin, I just made several consecutive really stupid decisions,” he explained and I smiled despite myself. “I chose, however drunkenly, to do everything I did.”
“Ben knows everything,” I whispered suddenly, “The paper… it was inevitable, I guess. I don’t have anywhere else to go.”
I heard a distant voice. Brenden muttered a quick “hang on” before setting the phone down.
“It’s her, isn’t it?”
He started to protest, but something in him changed. He let out a dignified assertion. “She’s here, now,” he continued, “Outside.”
“Thank you for being honest with me,” Betsy said, the sadness in her voice so powerful that it hurt to hear. “Go to her. I’ll make your excuses.”
“I’ll be down in a few,” he said to me quickly and hung up without another word.
He had on a baseball cap and a bulky hooded sweatshirt when he appeared ten minutes later. I realized that he didn’t want to be recognized. I couldn’t blame him—I probably wouldn’t have wanted to be seen with me either. Still kind of hurt though.
“This isn’t because of you,” he said right away, reading my mind as usual, “This is for you.”
I looked at him, struck by how sweet that was. “You really don’t need this drama,” he added as somewhat of an afterthought.
“I hate myself,” I muttered as we headed for a nearby McDonald’s. “I can’t stay away from you even when it matters the most.”
“What happened with you and Ben?” he asked softly and I told him the events of the night. He just nodded solemnly. “You still have a chance, you know, to fix things. Do it.”
“I think I blew that chance by coming here,” I admitted as he opened the door to McDonald’s for me. “He’d never trust me again anyway. Probably shouldn’t.”
“I’m so sorry,” he said as we took a booth without ordering anything, “if I never would’ve gone out last night, that picture never would’ve ended up anywhere.”
“That doesn’t even matter to me anymore,” I told him. “At least now I can’t lie anymore.” I looked at him. “What happened with you and Betsy?”
“I think Duncan broke up with me for her,” he told me, “though I doubt that was her idea. He’s a bit protective and I think me going to jail was the final straw for him. He wasn’t going to let his baby sister date such an—how’d he say it?—I think it was ‘unstable drunken mess’. I don’t remember; I was still drunk.” He was trying to lighten the mood and I gave him a weak smile for effort.
“Brenden, why’d you go out looking for trouble?”
“Needed a distraction. Vodka’s a good one. Listen, this was not your fault. Get it out of your head. I went out, got wasted, and became the complete idiot I am when I’m drunk. I never thought it would come around to hit you in the ass.”
I ran my fingers through my hair, feeling incredibly exhausted and sad. I felt closer to tears than I had at any other point during the night.
He picked up on it and looked at me sadly. “You’re still going to buy our CD’s even though I’m a selfish asshole, right?”
I laughed despite my dismal mood and felt better than I had all night. “I think after this, I should get them for free.”
“Deal,” he smiled and reached across the table for my hand. His fingers were calloused from playing guitar, but his touch was soothing. He rubbed circles on my palm with his thumb, the look in his eyes intense. His free hand pushed my messy red hair behind my ear, then rested lightly against my cheek. “I could get used to this,” he said quietly.
I could too, was on my thoughts until I realized that I still felt horrible. No matter what I did, I was still going to feel like the worst friend and fiancé ever. I wondered if it would ever go away. I tried to smile at him, but found I couldn’t.
My lack of a response didn’t seem to faze him.
“You don’t know what you want yet,” he said softly, his eyes on mine the whole time, “and I totally understand that. This has been a huge mess so far and nothing’s even happened. But Cailin,” he squeezed my hand, his fingers dropping from my cheek to reach for the other, “I think about you constantly and if I think that I never tried, I’ll go out of my mind. I’d like something to happen since we have been through this huge mess together. It has to mean something that we haven’t been able to let go even though it probably would have made things much easier.”
“Yeah,” I mumbled, “it means that we’re out of our god damn minds.”
His lips curved into that sexy smile of his and every negative thought dropped from my mind. I wanted him, we both knew it. How much longer could I pretend to deny it?
I looked down at our hands joined together and felt particularly attuned to the butterflies in my stomach. They multiplied when he raised one of my hands to his lips and kissed it softly. It was such a shock to the system; I felt so numb just minutes before and now I felt like I was being touched for the first time.
“We extended the recording another week, so we’ll be here through next weekend,” he told me. “I’ll give you as much time as you need, but I thought a head’s up about how long I’d be in town might help you out.”
I nodded and a yawn escaped me. He smiled. “Let’s get you back to the hotel. You look like you could use some sleep.”
I didn’t know how Brenden and I were going to enter the penthouse suite without causing complete pandemonium, but it turned out to be surprisingly empty when we arrived. There was a note scribbled on the table next to Brenden’s bed. I tried to sneak a glance at it, but he was quicker than I was. He read it hastily before stuffing it in his pocket.
“Recording,” he explained, “I’m supposed to meet them there.”
After he left, I slipped into the sweatpants and tee shirt he gave me and curled up under the blankets that I was sure smelled of him. I fell asleep as soon as I closed my eyes and slept more soundly than I had since the concert those months ago.
I was pulled out of my relaxation by the buzzing of my phone. I gathered the strength to pull myself out of bed, but when I glanced at the caller, I hesitated. Did I really want to explain myself now? Again?
After arguing internally, I decided to answer it. “Hello?” I yawned.
“Cailin? Shit. Where are you?” Kate sounded panicked.
“I’m…” I contemplated lying, telling her I was at my parents’ house, but I wasn’t sure she’d believe me. Besides that, I was getting tired of lying. She, more than anyone, deserved the truth, even if it condemned our friendship in the end. “I’m with Brenden.”
“Oh, Cailin,” she let out a sigh, “Why?”
“Because I got kicked out of my own house,” I found myself snapping at her, “I wasn’t quite sure where else I could’ve gone.”
“You could’ve come here, you know that,” she said quietly. “No matter what, you could’ve come here.”
I didn’t respond. Perhaps that was the case, but I didn’t feel like she would have welcomed me with open arms. I didn’t want to see the ‘you got what you deserved’ look I knew she’d have while attempting to console me. I deserved the look; I deserved a lot more, but that didn’t mean I wanted to deal with it.
“Ben knows I’m not there, doesn’t he?” I asked.
She sighed, “Well, yeah… I would’ve covered for you if you would’ve let me know, but I had no idea what he was talking about. I didn’t know what to do.”
“It doesn’t really matter anymore,” I said softly.
“It does matter,” she told me. “It matters because you have to make a decision. Do you want to be with Ben or try things with Brenden? Are you really going to throw away your relationship for him?”
I was stunned. Was this really Kate talking to me? Kate, who had a problem with my relationship with Ben for years now? Before I could even think about how it sounded, I spoke, “Why do you even care? You’ve never liked him.”
She sighed again and I was starting to wonder if she could do anything else. “It’s not like that,” she said as if that was some kind of explanation. I was getting tired of her inability to tell me how she was really feeling. I told her that. “Oh, for God’s sake, Cailin, how dumb are you?” Before her words even registered, she rushed on, “I was jealous! I’ve always been jealous. Not of you, but of him! He gets all your time—well, he used to—and it made me insane because I was used to being the most important person in your life.”
It felt weird, in hindsight, to be surprised by this revelation. It made perfect sense, but it was unexpected because Kate wasn’t ever the jealous type. Things with me and Kate were different though—best friends sometimes see different things in people. I realized that I should have paid more attention.
“I don’t know what I’m going to do,” I admitted quietly. “How can things with Ben get any better? He’ll never trust me. He shouldn’t. And of course I want to try things with Brenden, but at the cost of my relationship—my future—with Ben? I don’t know. Why do I have to be the one to make this decision?”
Kate said something along the lines of it being my decision because I was the only one that had to choose between two things, but I wasn’t listening. My eyes were focused on the open door where Ben stood, looking at me incredulously. His eyes bulged as he noticed I was in Brenden’s clothing. I opened my mouth to speak, my conversation with Kate forgotten, but Ben held his hand up, silencing me.
“I’ll make it for you, Cailin,” he said, able to keep control of his verbal emotions, but having a much more difficult time with his expression. I could tell his heart was breaking. “This is all too much. I can’t do it anymore. We’re done.”
If you haven’t read the author’s note at the beginning of the chapter, please do.
Thanks to:
CocoaFlavourPunk: Thanks so much! I’m glad you like it. Sorry that it won’t be finished any time soon, but hopefully the rest of my stories hold you over.
foamyfan15010: I don’t like Ben either. And that sucks because we weren’t supposed to not like him. Bah. This story just really didn’t turn out the way I wanted it to. And LOL, when I wrote that line about Cailin fighting with herself, I so was thinking about Breanna. Hahahaha. You inspire me. And just because I remember when you used to update every day doesn’t mean I expect it. I knew it couldn’t last forever. Life sorta gets in the way of writing, which sucks since I wish it was all I ever had to do.
delusionallytwisted: Yep, the end of the last chapter was the beginning of the first, just in past tense instead of present. It’s my way of saying we’re finally to the present now so their will be no more of the dreaded italics.
Cariwyn: I think this chapter answers most of the questions you’ve had. Ben is pretty much the reason this story is not turning out the way I want it to. I wanted him to be a bigger character, but it didn’t turn out that way, and I didn’t realize how important it would be until I got farther along. And I don’t have the energy to rewrite this whole thing. I’d rather just start completely over. We’ll see though, hopefully I come up with something great soon enough. And Duncan is being an ass, but I think it’s warranted. Betsy is his sister—I think we’re all a little insane when it comes to protecting our family. Thanks so much for you reviews… they’re the best.
Bex17: Thanks so much!