dear colette,

how are you? i haven't heard from you for weeks now. i hope you get to read this. just so you know, i'm good. i'm not great but i'm dealing. i'm trying. i'm trying real hard.

i hope you don't mind, i'd just want to tell you something. i can't really talk to anyone here about it, so... and i'm not sure who to talk to really...

colette, they're back again.

and they're all screaming at me like they used to. they're all mad at me for screwing things up. they won't stop bothering me. they're all waiting for me to do that one thing i have always wanted to do but which i was never strong enough for. i couldn't possibly do it. not right now. there's just so many things to do. so many ambitions to fulfill. so many people depending on me. so many...

they're all telling me to do it. some of them would tell me that if only i wasn't weak, it'd all be over soon and all the difficulties would dissipate and i would no longer have to suffer this way. some of them would tell me that my investments and efforts are useless and they wouldn't matter at the end of it all, anyway. that i should do it because in the end, i wouldn't matter, anyway. some of them would tell me that it would make everything easier for the people around me. that i was more a burden than a gift of grace. that i should do it because i make living difficult for others and it would give them bliss. some of them would tell me that it's the only way about it. that i'm hopeless and it is the only solution. it is the only way out.

different reasons. one solution. one end to all dead-ends. seems simple and easy enough.

but i'm still confused. or maybe i'm not. maybe i've already made my choice but i'm still waiting for something to happen. some miracle, perhaps. a hand to grasp. a kindred soul. a light in the middle of the pitch-dark. anything. anything at all...

but there's none. there's only... them. these voices. and they get louder and angrier every time. they used to be a swarm of whispers i could hardly understand. now they're an onslaught of deafening screams coming from everywhere. i try to shut my ears to them but they're still there. they won't leave me alone.

i try to run away, but i can't seem to move any farther than where i am. i'm at a nauseating standstill and they're closing in on me... still screaming, forcing me to do it. they're coming to get me and they're getting closer. much too close.

they're already in my head.

and i want them out. they can't stay. they can't keep doing this to me…

please tell mom that i love her. tell her that i did it because i couldn't hack it anymore. please tell dad that it's better this way. tell anyone who'd care enough to ask that i'm in a safer place. i'm where they can't hurt me.

by the time you've received this message, i've probably loaded this gun i got from dad's dashboard. i know i've only got one shot and i'm placing it where they are. by the time you've finished reading this, i've probably already pulled the trigger and fallen off the bed and onto the floor.

i'm not really sure how it'd turn out or what would happen after that. but i know that by the time anybody noticed i had disappeared, i'd be long gone. gone from here. but it's not like i was ever here, anyway...

whatever you do, don't weep. don't feel sorry for me at all. i know nobody else would. i'm not worth it. you know that, right? you know how shitty this life of mine had been. you've always been there for me. i'm just so sorry that you're not here right now. i would have appreciated the company.

that's it then. that's all i wanted to tell you.

again, i'm so sorry. but i have to do it. i'm so sorry to have to put you through all this. but they've got to go.

i've got to go...

your friend,

sophie