They say once you lose the will to live, you begin to slowly lose your soul. Be known I do not believe this as I sit next to my friend. She still hasn’t woken up yet; the doctors believe she won’t either. I grip her pale, lifeless hand tightly. It’s been so long, nearly four months I think, maybe longer. I keep losing track each day I come by to visit her. I reach out with my right hand and push back a few of her bangs that fell over her eyes, she looks so peaceful like this. It’s like she sleeping, well she is but, she seems to be at peace for once.

I just wish she’d open her eyes. She’s a good friend and I feel like it’s my fault. She told me what she wanted to do a day before but I didn’t talk her out of it. And the next day she told me she did it. She took a full bottle of pills, clearly set on destroying herself. I wanted to so badly that day to take her and shake her and yell at her. But I didn’t; I didn’t do anything other than watch her walk away. It’s all my fault.

I rest my head in my hands, close to crying again. This isn’t the time for me to be crying. I need to be strong; for her and for myself. She stirs for a moment, a fluttering moment, but I still saw her move. I sit up straight and keep watching her for a few minutes before slinking back down. If I told the doctor he’d most likely say it was just reflexes. A light knock and then the door slowly opens. I glance over my shoulder and see it’s only the nurse coming in.

“Still no change?” she asks in a soft voice, coming to my side and handing me a glass of water. I shake my head no and take the glass of cool water. She nods and fluffs up my friend’s pillows.

“I’ll give you another couple hours but then you have to leave. It’s nearing the end of visiting hours and I’m sure you have a lot to do.” she says softly before scurrying away. I barely nod to the retreating nurse as I look back to my friend. It’s been so long; I wish she’d open her eyes and say it was all a joke. But it’s only a dream as I sit here waiting. The door opens again and I ignore it altogether.

“How is she?” a soft but deep guy’s voice asks me. I sit back up and glance over towards the door. I heave a sigh and my gaze returns back to my friend.

“Will she ever wake up?” I ask quietly, talking for the first time in hours since I got out of school. I don’t see his look but I know he’s giving me a frown.

“I don’t really know,” at least he answered honestly I suppose. But it still makes me feel bad because I knew what she was going to do. He walked slowly over to my side and places a gentle hand on my shoulder. I can feel through the way he’s gripping my shoulder that he wants me to get up and leave for awhile. I know why he wants me to leave for awhile; a month or so ago he wanted me to go out with him. But I turned him down since Beth, my friend, hasn’t awoken yet. He may not consider her a girlfriend now since she’s not awake but he hasn’t dumped her either.

“Are you OK?” he asks quietly, pulling out the second chair near me and sitting down next to me. I nod yes but we both know I’m not doing so well. I just refuse to acknowledge that and keep on going with my life.

“You ought to get some rest, you look like you haven’t slept in days.” he’s right, totally right. But I still shake my head no. I stifled a yawn and lean back a bit to stretch my tired arms. I startled him out of his thoughts and for a moment, he looks icily towards me. I give him a dirty look back and his gaze instantly softens.

“Could you do me a favor?” he asks quietly, glancing my way. I shrug my shoulders and he sighs along with me.

“Go get a coffee. I need some time alone with her. Grab me one as well. Could you?” he asks quietly but intensely. I nod now, coffee sounded really good to me at the moment even though I never drink coffee. I stand and pop my knuckles before walking out of the room. I quietly shut the door behind me and I hear him whisper,

“God, I wish you were alive.”

-

I returned twenty minutes later with two Styrofoam cups of coffee that were slowly beginning to cool down. I open the door to find him resting his head on her blanket, tears pooling in his eyes. I come in quietly and shut the door before clearing my throat.

“Any change?” I ask even though I know the answer. He shakes his head no and closes his eyes. He’s tired, I’m tired, we both know it but still, each day we come here right after school. I sigh and sit down next to him and hand him the cold coffee. He takes it and our fingers brush each other for just a second. I shakily run my fingers through my short hair and let out another heavy sigh. It’s been so long, it’s taken so much energy and now I’m tired.

“She’ll wake up.. One of these days..” he says quietly, glancing towards the floor. I mentally gasp because I can hear his pain in his voice. Heavy with guilt and anger; I could understand completely. I reach over with my left hand and pat his shoulder gently. I can feel his body shaking with unshed tears and he slowly falls apart, crying into my shirt. Darkness settled around us, breathing down our necks quietly and we no longer really cared.

--

Three am when my cell phone rings loudly in my ear, jarring me out of my for once peaceful sleep. I roll over in bed and ignore the blaring phone, hoping the sound would fade away quickly. My wish is quickly answered but a minute later it rings again. This time I raise up on my elbows and reach over and answered in a groggy voice,

“Why the bloody hell are you calling me at three am?” I heard a cough in the background before he speaks quietly but quickly.

“If I were you, I’d get my butt here at the hospital. She’s awake!” he sounded frantic and for a moment I wonder if for some reason he was drunk again and calling me for fun. I sigh and shut the phone before he could yell in my ear again. I sit up all the way and sleepily rub my tired eyes. Reach over and fumble with my wide framed glasses and rest them on my nose and swing my long legs over the side of the bed. I clap twice and my lights switch on. For a few minutes I sit on the side of my bed, just staring at my fingers which I have extended out. I can almost hear and feel my blood rushing through my veins, hear my heart thumping loudly.

It’s weird, as I sat there that early morning, I realized how much I needed my friend as much as she wanted me to be her best friend. My breath’s shaky but I control my onslaught of thoughts. My phone vibrates then rings loudly in my hands and it jars me from my rapid thoughts.

‘I’m coming,’ I think softly as I rise quietly but dress quickly.

-

The drive to the hospital is long and quiet for me. Not something I’m used to this early. I reach over and flip on the radio and soft music greets my ears. I nearly sigh with relief as my thoughts calmed and settled into a mindless pattern sort of speak.

The hospital looms darkly in my sight and I give a sigh of relief. I pull into the bleak and deserted parking lot and hurried on shutting off my car. I scurried inside, running past the nurse that was falling asleep at the desk from sheer boredom. The ride in the elevator long but once it opened, I was flying down the hallway again.

I burst into the small room quickly to be greeted by five doctors and her boyfriend. The very air in the room seems dense, heavy with tension as I try to read their expressions printed on their faces. He comes to my side, intertwining his fingers with mine. I sense he’s nervous and slightly tense. I turn towards him and stare him down icily, waiting for him to answer me.

“Miss, I’m afraid…” one doctor spoke but let his voice die away. I stare at them all again, waiting for someone to tell me what happened.

“She awoke for only a short time….”

“She asked for you but we couldn’t reach you in…”

“She doesn’t have enough time…”

“No more time left….”

No more time… What does that mean? I grip his hand tightly before closing my eyes and letting my tears finally fall. He pats my shoulder but I shrug away from his touch. Then I wrench my hand from his and slowly move forward, smacking the helping hands from the doctors. I can see they pulled a sheet over her face. I reach out and pull it back.

“She won’t be able to breathe like that…” I whisper, collapsing next to her bed. No more time left…..