For the Aliens Among Us:

How to Pass as a Human of the British Royal Family

She is the symbol of etiquette, wealth, and tradition, and though she does not hold much say in what goes on, she remains to be a very influential person. No, I am not talking about your wealthy Grandma Xina, but Queen Elizabeth II of England on Planet Earth. The British Royal Family has such a life of luxury with a position of honour, so who wouldn’t want to be one of them? Their lifestyles appeal to everyone, especially aliens who want to experience the good life on Earth. This essay is here to help any extraterrestrial pass as a human of the British Royal Family. You will need to capture the look of nobility, create a royal title for yourself, mimic a British accent, and learn proper behaviour and etiquette. In four easy steps, any alien can pass as a British noble.

The first step to passing as British royalty is, obviously, to look like British royalty. The Royal Family has a look of elegance, which, if not established, will make no one think you are one of them. You also must look human - you’ll have a harder time convincing anyone you’re British if you have a tail. Look at pictures of the present-day Royal Family to get clothing ideas. Buy elegant outfits and wear extravagant jewellery. Make sure to conceal inhuman facial qualities with a mask, cover inhuman skin colour with beige make-up, and hide extra legs or arms (humans only have two arms and two legs). Once you have the look, you’ll be one step closer to your goal.

Second of all, you must create a proper name and royal title. Every noble has a fancy title (Duke of Lancaster, Prince of Wales) and a British name (Charles, Elizabeth). Having a title will make more people believe that you belong to the royal family of England. Research regal titles and pick one that someone in the present day doesn’t occupy, and pick out a typical British name (a name book would be good). With a name like “Duke Charles of Hedfordshire” or “Lady Beatrice of Wessex”, many will believe you’re the Queen’s cousin.

In pretending to be a British royal, adapting an accent is essential. The British are famous for their way of talking. No one will believe you are from the British Royal Family if you don’t sound British. Royalty, in particular, speak in a snobbish-sounding way. When this is impersonated, humans will automatically think you are related to the Monarch of Great Britain. Listen to how the British talk, particularly those of high status. Listen to one of the Queen’s speeches. Afterwards, practice your British accent and try to talk through your nose. If you’ve got that shrill voice down, you’ll be on your way to experiencing Earth the majestic way.

Carrying yourself with dignity and showing manners is the final step. Royalty are known for their etiquette and way of presenting themselves. You must act properly, because no one will believe that a slob is from the British Royal Family. The Royal Family do have the occasional disgraceful relative, but let’s not get into that. To do this, take out a book of rules on English etiquette and study it. Watch how the Queen and her family carry themselves through documentaries and films. Show good posture, walk gently, and don’t make any nasty bodily functions (farts, burps, etc). Etiquette is key to disguising yourself as royalty, so mind your manners.

When you have gotten all these steps down, then congratulations, you are on your way to succeeding in fooling all those around you that you’re a British royal. During your stay on Earth, remember the four key steps: remember to hide your extra arms and look like nobility, find yourself a British royal title, speak in a British accent, and lastly, show your human manners. Passing as the Queen’s relative will make your stay on Earth more enjoyable; humans will respect you, establishments will go out of their way to pleasing you, and you will experience a lavish life in the human world. Besides, no one really pays attention to royalty these days, so it will be easier for you to pretend you’re one of them. Enjoy your stay on Earth, and before you go to Andromeda, tell a fellow alien these four easy steps so they too can pass as a human of the British Royal Family.