Passions of a stoner: ode to the fall down boys

“Where are you going!?” I once heard a mad man shout out on the village green. “Where is the local hanging?!—Why do you hang there!?” The ranting of a leper, the words that lacerated my brain, howl in my mind. Motionless I watched, as they hauled a messiah to the ground. The day my skin peeled away.

“Dean, Dean it’s your turn” Said Dan as he turned around and gasped for air. “Your turn Dean, your turn quick! While it’s still cherried.” Dan coughed again. I just sat there on my lump on a log, staring at the trees, a magnificent tree. “Dean! Take your fucking hit now!” Said Dan angrily, not knowing he was shouting at the top of his lungs. Taking my hit, and passing it to Andy who seemed to be just babbling staring at a hill of ants, he took his hit and laughed. We recycled this pattern, euphoric blast after euphoric blast, for what seemed an eternity. Five minutes.

“Man you feel anything?” shouted Dan. “Feel anything? Man I smoked myself fucking cross-eyed” I giggled. “Cross eyed, man I smoked myself fucking sideways man! Sideways!” snorted Andy. “Ugh!” “What is it Dan?” “Guys I’m so fucking starving, man we gotta get food quick! STAT!” Still shouting from his lungs. “Quiet down man!” I told Dan, “Your gonna get us caught!” At the same time Andy said, “I’m kinda hungry too, Dean”. “Fine I said, lets go to my house, we’ll get something to eat.” Dan farted. We all laughed.

Staggering out, we left the forest as Jane’s Commissioned Jokers: the fall down boys. In search for something to shake our ailment: the infamous munchies.

“DEAN! What do you mean you have no food.” “Exactly what I said I have no food!” Swinging the pantry open to swollen eyes. All three of us almost cried.

“Ugh!” cried Dan! “We are all gonna starve, then they will find our bodies, and smell pot on us, and then we’re fucked man we’re fucked!” Said Dan racing in circles. “What are you talking about your not going to starve it’s only been 10 minutes since you last asked for food!” Me and Dan augured back and forth this way until Andy said, “Guys I have an idea!” “And another thing Dean we not only will die of starvation, we’ll also die of thirst too!” “Shut up Dan your being a cunt, we are not going to die!.” “Guys!” shouted Andy. “What!” Dan and I both shouted, taking a break from our arguing. “I got an idea!” “THEN LETS FUCKING HEAR IT I’M STARVING” shouted Dan. “Well guys, lets go out and get food!”

Get food this never even dawned on me! We’ll go out and get food! What a brilliant idea! “ YEA! Good idea Andy”, I said, “Lets go on a pilgrimage to McDonalds! Our holy Mecca!” Anonymously we all agreed, as we left the house as Arabs on the trip to the holy land, or in our case: The holy McDonalds!

Strolling down the path, we caught a glimpse of a siren as a fed car drove by. I could tell he was just looking for a bust. I bet he was the kind of middle age fuck, who goes home at night and masturbates constantly while looking at his receding hairline. Then at night he wonders why his life peaked at high school, all a while he stares at his fat ass cow of a wife. Whose life can he fuck with now? He goes to sleep.

“I fucking hate cops, fucking teachers of the world!” Dan said spontaneously. “How so?” asked Andy. He was so high; he couldn’t make sense of anything, let alone such a perplexing philosophy. “Simple, don’t you see how they are always messing with us kids? Telling us what to do, wrong from right. Like they ever know what is fucking right.” An awkward silence filled the air, a cloud eclipsed the sun. “It’s their war man, their war. Fuck their white fence, fuck their atom bomb, fuck an English teacher’s dream, the American dream. We’re all just fools, goddamn fools. I’m so sick of being lied to, so fucking sick of being lied to.” I swear I saw a tear run down Dan’s eye. I could tell that he meant it, every last word of it. Andy just laughed.

As we walked to the bend in the road, somehow Dan reminded me of Socrates. I could tell he will only die on his own terms, or die trying. We took a right.

We were walking skeletons in the concentration camp of life, I was starving, Dan was starving, and Andy was starving. Life was bleak and we all fell down, beyond the valley of the dolls. “You ever think we’ll get out of here?” Dan asked. Out of where? “This mobile of life, I always feel like I’m hanging.”

Either Dan was extremely high, or delirious from lack of food. I could not tell. Andy kept walking. He never stopped walking. We continued right.

“Guys!” shouted Andy! “Look it’s Martin! Guys its Martin!” He was ollieing gaps in the road. He was Mormon, but man he never gave a fuck.

“What’s up buuuuuuuuuuuuuudy” Slurred Andy. Martin waved a welcoming hand. In a trance, I watched him ollie another gap. “You guys stoned?” Martin asked. “Fuck yea, Mutha Fucka!” said Dan, he was back to his former mirage.

We followed Martin to the edge of the road, where we took booster shots of endless euphoria. I was still high, but I blazed some more. It was Martin’s weed “It’s hydro guys, hydro: pure headies!”

I knew it was schawg but I didn’t say anything. Life is just schawg.

Martin put on his turban, and we took a left. Blurs of automobiles whirled by, stopping for a peak, of a ranting leper. Like a car full of clowns that crashed, we were just moving accidents they died to look at. There were four of us now.

“Are we ever gonna get there, I’m fucking starving!” Said Dan, as if the person who I was talking to an hour before, was a total apparition. My mouth was too numb to answer. Martin and Andy kept talking to themselves. Blurs of automobiles whirled by.

“That’s it!” Screamed Dan. “I’m fucking sick of it! FUCKING sick of it!” He went mad. “Stop fucking looking at me! They are always looking down on me! I hate it! I Fucking hate it!” Who I asked? “Who those fucking cars! Fucking drivers, soccer mom’s and their suvs! Those cunts that think they got it made! Let me tell you, they got nothing! Nothing!” For once Andy and Martin stopped talking. The bleakness of life suddenly came apparent to everyone. We were terrorists. And Dan was sick of it. We all were.

“We’re almost there Dan, almost there Dan” We all said trying to calm him down. Dan had a freak out.

Martin called his friend Ric and he came to pick us up. Me Dan and Andy sat in the back. “Life is moving too fast, life is moving too fast. We’re already in high school and life is moving too fast.” Panicked Dan. Andy was lost in the music, chasing white rabbits. “Grace Slick is a god” I said, “A god.” Don’t I want somebody to love, somebody to love. I tried to ignore Dan. Don’t we all want somebody to love? Every second, seemed like a minute. Time lapsed and time ceased.

“I’m a negative creep, AND I’m STONED!” Kurt Cobain said, and we all sang with him. Dan stopped freaking out. “I’m a negative creep, AND I’m STONED!”

Lost in nirvana, our leper colony, blazed across the land of the setting sun. “Onto McDonalds!” We shouted! “Onto McDonalds! Home of the quarter pounder!”

Ric drove like a madman. Man it was insane, “My school is insane.” I said for no reason at all. “Grace man I want to fuck you like an animal, and moon man I’m flying.” We all made no sense, but then again Dan said, “Does life ever make sense?” Time still lagged. “Man I’m on the Z!”

The sound of sirens became extremely loud. “Fuck man ric! Turn that fucking radio down!” I shouted. “Raido, It’s not the fucking radio!” A cop car pulled toward us. “Fuck man, were fucked!” Dan went back to freaking out! Fucking cops I fucking hate cops! Andy wishes he had a gun.

“Cool, guys cool.” Said Ric, as if he was trying to fool himself. I stuffed my hands over Dan’s mouth, as I heard a pig squeal. “You know how fast you were going, sonny?” I saw the sly look on his face, I could tell the fag was enjoying it. “No officer, I don’t.” said Ric trying real hard to sound calm. “Don’t know how fast you were going, my son! Don’t know how fast. HA!” I heard a pig giggle “Step out of the automobile.” Bacon filled the air, I fucking hate bacon.

“Are you on any illegal substances, sonny? Don’t lie to me” “Uh, uh, no sir, no.” “You don’t sound so sure to me.” “No, I’m not on anything.” Said Ric reassuringly. All of us in the car, remained silent.

“How about those kids in the car, are they stoned? “No” I could tell he was enjoying it, he was having a field day with it. “Really………” He put his filthy face, next to the glass and snorted. “ I wouldn’t be so sure of that.” “They aren’t officer.” Said Ric suddenly. I saw the cops eyes light up with malicious intent. “Don’t talk back to me sonny!” He said furiously. “I wasn’t talking ba-”The cop cut him off. “Are you disrespecting me sonny!, Empty your pockets. I think you might have a gun in there.” We were all fucking scared to death, I felt bad for Ric, Just like I did the prophet. “But I , I , I don’t have a weapon suuuuir” “Don’t talk back!” The cop was in ecstasy patting down Ric, like the total fag he was. He enjoyed hurting kids, molesting them, it was his erotic dream. “Interesting…………….”

Ric had nothing on him, none of us did anymore, and that fuck knew it, he had nothing on us. We all started to relax. “Well, Well sonny boy, I guess your ok to go, but next time your fucking mine you got that, sonny. Cross me twice the wrong way, and I’ll see to it your ass rots behind jail. “Yesss, sir.” Said Ric and we drove away. The cop followed for a few blocks, until fading into the sunset.

We found our melancholy mirth, under two arches that formed a “M”.

Nobody talked much.

We just fell down, in the bleakness of society.

I heard a patronizing patron laugh.

“The fall down boys.” We were always the local hanging.