So I was eating Cheerios the other day, *eating, eating, eating* when I suddenly took a bite and it was soggy! So I thought to myself, 'What can I do to crunch this up?' I could add more cereal, but it would get soggy too, and I'd have to add more and more until my bowl was a vast moun- tain of Cheerios. A never-ending mound reaching farther than the eye can see. That was out. So I thought, 'What if I add something to make it hard again. Glue! The perfect thing.' So I added some super glue (it was all we had) and waited. I waited some more. Finally I picked up my spoon and dug in. When that didn't work, I got out my hacksaw, right, and dug in. Well after a few hours of sawing I was ready to eat and after a few hours of chewing the first bite was down. It took me several days to finish off the entire bowl, but I was determined! Anyway, after a bit I started to feel a somewhat sick and I thought, 'Oh no! I've super glued my intestines together!' My doctor confirmed this and told me I was lucky to be alive. Okay, he wasn't my doctor but my neighbor. Okay technically he wasn't my neighbor, but some guy passing by. Well not so much passing as pissing. So he was a stranger pissing on my doorstep, but in all fair- ness he was exceedingly drunk and let's face it my porch does look nothing like a toilet (except when you're exceed- ingly drunk.) He told me to unglue my internal organs immediately and proceeded to be sick in my driveway. So I went back inside and thought, 'What removes super glue? Turpentine, of course!' So went down the store and bought a bottle of turpentine. I considered taking my organs out and applying it that way, but that seemed a little too much, so I drank it down as soon as I got home. True it did say 'Do not ingest' but it didn't say anything about not digesting and it was my digestive system in need of ungluing. Well a few minutes afterward, I started feeling a little sick. Very sick, in fact. Then, suddenly, my house got up and starting moving around in circles which is really strange because I didn't even know my house could move! And then the lights went out. I woke up in the hospital and the doctor said I'd tried to kill myself which obviously I didn't. I tried to explain to him that I was just trying to have breakfast, but he wouldn't believe me. Anyway the moral of the story is, don't put super glue on Cheerios because you just might glue your butt cheeks together. I still can't sit down properly.