:IMPORTANT:

My school occasionally does this thing called 24-Hour Theatre, where a couple of one-act plays are written, produced, and performed in 24 hours. Being the idiot that I am, I signed up to be both a writer and an actor. So my lovely roommate, Ruth and, I wrote this between the hours of 9 pm Friday evening and 4:30 am Saturday morning. Low and behold, some idiot screwed up and wrote for the wrong number of males and females. We were surplus one male part and surplus one female actor. My play took the hit and Brother Gil was played by a wonderfully funny black girl where Ella was very white. So Gil became Jill and the play was performed very well 7pm Saturday evening. Enjoy.

Character Synopsizes:

Gil: Best friend of Winston, Twin Brother of Ella. He’s very protective of Ella. Watches entirely too much television/movies and quotes them constantly. Found annoying by many people.

Winston: Is “in love” with Ella. Desperately wants to date her. Secretly loves Stargate and Ella.

Ella: Very popular. She’s the girl everyone wants to be; very involved in extra curricular activities, well liked by everyone, always volunteering to help people, speaks her mind, stands up for what she believes is right.

Title: Emotional Breakdowns

By: Meg Hall

Assisted by: Ruth Miller

Scene opens, Gil and Winston go to Gil’s house after school. Sit down and play video games. Enter stage left.

Gil: Mrs. Ferguson was totally freaking out today because I didn’t have my stupid American Revolution essay. I can’t wait till she has her stupid baby so she’ll stop having these emotional break downs.

Winston: They’re not emotional breakdowns, Gil, she’s just mad because you never turn in any of your work.

Gil: I’m not a procrastinator; it just takes longer for my creativity to blossom. Jerk.

Winston: I’m not a jerk. You just don’t want to admit that you’re a slacker.

Enter Ella Stage left

Ella: Ugh, I have so much to do tonight, so try to keep it down. Okay guys?

Winston & Gil in unison: Ok, Ella.

Exit Ella Stage Right

Gil: She always does so much now. She’s class president and in charge of that stupid community service club and all of those other things. Most kids want to get out of school, but not her. She’s little miss perfect. How could two people who shared a womb turn out so different?

Winston: I have no clue. What sports is she doing now?

Gil: Like I care.

Winston: You should. She’s your sister.

Gil: Winston, if she were your sister, you wouldn’t care either.

Winston: (mutters) several things would be very wrong with me if she was my sister…

Gil: Say what?

Winston: Nothing, nothing.

(Uneasy quiet, playing of video games.)

Winston: So is Ella dating anyone right now?

Gil: (shrugs) that guy Joey Branson asked her to the dance, but I think she said no. She’s all “focused on her school work.” Lame.

Winston: …So, she probably doesn’t want to date anyone right now, does she?

Gil: (gives Winston a weird look) Winston, why do you keep talking about my sister?

Winston: (tries to look innocent) No reason.

Gil: I am Jack’s blatant disbelief.

Winston: (rolls eyes) Dude, don’t start quoting movies at me.

Gil: You must learn to harness your emotions, young Skywalker.

Winston: (exasperated sigh)

Gil: Seriously though, why do you keep asking about my sister? You always act weird when she’s around, too.

Winston: (sighs) I like her, ok?

Gil: Of course you do! She’s my sister. You have to like her just like I have to like her.

Winston: No, Gil, I mean I like her, alright?

Gil: Oh… eeeeww……

Winston: Shut up!

Gil: Gross! (Pause) I think I just threw up a little bit inside my mouth.

Winston: (stands up and throws down controller) you don’t have to be such a jerk about it!

Gil: Are you pregnant?

Winston: What?

Gil: I was just wondering, because you’re having an emotional breakdown just like Mrs. Ferguson.

Winston: Could you grow up for once?!

Gil: …Holy crap, you really DO like my sister, don’t you? (Pause) That’s weird… Why??

Winston: Because she’s amazing…

Gil: (incredulous) if you say so…

Winston: She always listens and she’s always thinking about other people and she’s so hard working and dedicated.

Gil: Ok, you can stop now or I’m really going to throw up.

Winston: I love how she’s so kind. I love her giving spirit. I love her compassion.

Gil: I love lamp.

Winston: I’d love it if you’d shut up!

Gil: Oh, Winston, You may be a square on the outside, but inside, you’re all drape.

Winston: Come on Gil!! Wait, what is that even from??

Gil: Crybaby. With Johnny Depp. Duh.

Winston: Could we please focus? How do I ask Ella out?

Gil: (scoffs) You can’t date Ella. She’s my sister.

Winston: So?

Gil: You’re not man enough to date my sister!

Winston: …What are you trying to say?

Gil: Dude, you cried when we were in baseball. There’s no crying in baseball!

Winston: It wasn’t “baseball,” it was little league and we were seven! And the ball hit me! Hard! And it hurt! What about that time you cried when you fell off your bike?

Gil: Well A), that wasn’t baseball, and B), my arm was broken in four places! Idiot!

Winston: Well… you can’t date my sister, either, then!

Gil: (pause) Winston, You’re an only child.

Winston: That’s beside the point! And if I ever get a sister, you can’t date her!

Gil: That would be kind of gross considering I’d be like twenty years older than her. Anyway, this train has gotten derailed. Let’s get back on track. I forbid you! You have been forbade!

Winston: Is forbade even a word?

Gil: If it isn’t, it is now! Stop exacerbating things!

Winston: Stop using words you’ve only heard in movies!

Gil: (British accent) let’s go to the Winchester! We’ve got to go kill the zombies! No, I can’t say the Zed word. Let’s go steal my step dad’s Jaguar!!

Winston: Why am I friends with a guy who quotes “Shaun of the Dead” when he can’t think of anything better to say?

Gil: Because you’s got da hotts for my sistah!! And, I’m your only excuse to watch Stargate without looking like a complete loser. Actually, now that I think about it, I feel pretty used. Kind of like Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman, not that I’ve ever seen it or anything.

Winston: Aaaw, poor baby, is that moisture I see collecting in your eyes?

Gil: Moisture is the essence of wetness and wetness is the essence of beauty

Winston: I wish you’d just shut up and get out of my life!

Gil: Dude, what have I told you about that movie?!

Winston: (bored voice) “Napoleon Dynamite is the most over-quoted movie of all time and no one is allowed to speak of it in your home.”

Gil: Correct.

Winston: I felt it was justified with you quoting the second most over-quoted movie of all time.

Gil: Liar, Kung-Pow: Enter the Fist is the second most over-quoted movie of all time. Zoolander is only mildly over-quoted. We’re getting off track. How long have you had these ‘feelings’ for my sister?

Winston: Sixth grade, October 17. She told me my sweater looked nice and blue was a good color for me.

Gil: Ok, I am definitely going to blow chunks now.

Winston: Do you always have to be so callous?

Gil: The truth hurts, Romeo. You are not a beautiful and unique snowflake.

Winston: Fight Club again? You’re losing your touch. You’ve quoted the same movie twice in five minutes.

Gil: Well, it’s an awesome movie.

Winston: Here’s a new question. Why shouldn’t I be able to date your sister?

Gil: Have you ever individually straightened all of your French fries out before you’ve eaten them?

Winston: Gil, what does that have to do with anything??

Gil: That’s what I want you to think about, Sparrowhawk.

Winston: Arg! You are the most frustrating human being on the planet! (pause) Did you just call me Sparrowhawk? What is that even from??

Gil: Sci-fi Channel original miniseries Earthsea, starring Shawn Ashmore and Kristin Kreuk.

Winston: Ok, you’re saying I can’t date your sister while you aren’t sane enough to date anyone’s sister! EVER!

Enter Ella Stage right

Ella: What are you guys arguing about now?

Gil: (smirks) Nothing. What are you doing?

Ella: I’m getting a soda from the fridge. This pre-Calc homework is awful.

Gil: Sounds like you need the company of a good strong man to help you relax.

Winston: (quiet and strained) Gil, shut up!

Ella: (gives them weird looks) You guys are acting weird. And that’s saying a lot when it comes to you guys. What’s going on?

Gil: Well-

Winston: (cuts off Gil) Nothing! Nothing is going on! Gil is just quoting stupid movies like always.

Ella: (giggles) Poor Gil. You’re never going to get married.

Gil sticks out tongue at her.

Ella: Gil, grow up.

Winston: Yeah, Gil. You’re pretty immature.

Gil: Aaaw, look at you two, ganging up against me. So cute…

Ella: Gil, quit being… you. You’re starting to weird me out.

Gil: It’s better to be a first rate version of yourself than a second rate version of someone else.

Winston: What’s that from?

Gil: A fortune cookie.

Ella: (laughs) Well, I’d better go. I’ve got a lot to do.

Ella goes to ‘kitchen’ – back wing stage left – before heading back to room. Exits stage right

Winston: Why don’t you just write my feelings on her face and be a little less obvious about it!

Gil: You’re being so melodramatic. Quit acting like such a girl.

Winston: ME acting like a girl? How many chick flicks have YOU quoted in the past ten minutes?

Gil: Hey! A League of Their Own is NOT a chick flick! Tom Hanks DOES NOT do chick flicks.

Winston: Gil, Madonna was in it. It’s a chick flick. Plus he was in those Meg Ryan movies. He DOES chick flicks. And he does them with gusto.

Gil: LIES!! TOM HANKS IS A MANLY MAN!

Winston: Ok, Gil. Maybe if you say it enough, it’ll come true. While you’re at it, why don’t you convince yourself that Elijah Wood isn’t gay?

Gil: HE’S NOT GAY!!

Winston: Suuuure he’s not!!

Gil: We’re off topic! OFF TOPIC!! (quieter) And Elijah Wood isn’t gay.

Winston: I heard that. And I also heard God say that he thinks you should let me date Ella.

Gil: I heard God say he doesn’t want me to let Ella date LIARS!!

Winston: Quit being so stubborn!

Gil: QUIT CALLING ELIJAH WOOD GAY!

Ella enters stage right

Ella: Just grabbing a bag of chips! Don’t let me interrupt!

(Silence while Ella makes noise in kitchen before she hurries off stage right. Winston stares after her for a couple of seconds.)

Gil: I know what you’re looking at, Winston. And Jesus does too.

Winston: Gil, if you don’t cut it out with those dumb movie quotes, I swear I’ll-

Gil: You’ll what? Go home? Stop letting me copy your homework? Your options are very limited here, Winston my boy. The power is in my hands. (Evil laugh)

Winston: Ok, but just cut it out, alright? I’ll quit calling Elijah Wood gay and you’ll give me permission to date your sister. (mutters) Though I’m getting the better end of the deal.

Gil: Why do you even need my permission?

Winston: You’re my best friend, Gil. I wouldn’t do something like date your sister without getting your permission first.

Gil: Aww, Winston. You complete me.

Winston: Only you could kill the moment that quickly.

Gil: That’s why you love me.

Winston: Dude, you’re creeping me out.

Gil: Right. Setting you up with my sister now. Forget I said that

Winston; Said what?

Gil: Exactly. Alright, I give you my blessing. (Pats Winston on head)

Winston: Yes! What made you change your mind?

Gil: Because… You’re the One, Neo… I mean Winston.

Winston: Ok, Gil, it’s pretend to be an adult time now. Got it?

Gil: Yeeeeees.

Winston: Good. I’m going to go talk to Ella now. I’ll be back in a minute. Ok?

Gil: Whatever.

Winston exits stage right. Scene change: Ella’s room

Winston: Hey, Ella. Could I talk to you for a minute?

Ella: Sure, Winston. I need a distraction anyway.

Winston sits down next to Ella

Ella: So what’s on your mind?

Winston: (sighs heavily) Ella, we’ve known each other for a long time; since we were little kids and stuff.

Ella: (snicker) Yeah, remember that time you threw up in Sarah Elizabeth Hansen’s lap?

Winston: (winces) Yeah, guess I’ve grown up a lot since then. So have you… Anyway, what I wanted to talk about is… I have feelings for you. Really strong feelings.

Ella: What?

Winston: I was… I was wondering if you’d want to go out… you know, date?

pause

Ella: (starts laughing hysterically) Did Gil put you up to this? Oh man, that’s a good one. Like I would date you! Gosh, Winston, you’re like a brother to me! (Still laughing this whole time) Is this what you guys have been doing out there? Man, you almost had me there for a second!

Winston: (nervously) Yeah, it was a joke. Pretty good one, huh? See you later, Ella.

Winston leaves with Ella still laughing. Scene changes back to living room where Gil is playing video games by himself.

Gil: How did it go?

Winston: (plops down next to Gil) I just spent the past… who knows how long, arguing with you to give me your permission to date your sister…

Gil: Yup.

Winston: I’ve spent forever thinking about what I would say, imagining what she would say.

Gil: Uh-huh.

Winston: I have wasted so much time on her and when I finally tell her my feelings, she laughs me off like it’s a big joke.

Gil: Should have seen that coming.

Winston: Yup.

Gil: Yup.

Winston: Pass me that controller.

END.