Lying on my bed I hear the clock tick

And think of you

Caught up in circles

Confusion is nothing new

Spencer Elliot sat frozen at her vanity, listening with sadness to the old song on the radio. She put down the tube of lipstick she’d been applying. Why was it that whenever she felt like she was finally over Jake, something would happen to remind her of him? Like right now, for instance, with the radio randomly playing ‘their’ song. Spencer walked across her expensively decorated room and flicked the stereo off. Today, November 12, she’d been thinking about Jake a lot already. It would have been their one-year-and-three-months anniversary, an event they’d planned to celebrate by seeing their favorite band, A Dying Art, in concert. He’d given her the tickets on August 12, their one-year anniversary, after buying them with all the money he’d earned cleaning pools for his dad’s company that summer.

A week later, they’d broken up after she’d found him hooking up with a sophomore at a party. Spencer picked a tissue off the vanity and blotted her lipstick. She still had her ticket, in the big box in her closet where she’d put everything that reminded her of Jake.

She had to stop thinking about him! Tonight was Chelsea Valentine’s seventeenth birthday, and Spencer was more than ready for a good party. She checked herself out in the vanity mirror. Lucky enough to be born with preppy good looks, Spencer didn’t need much makeup to look pretty. She had spent the past forty-five minutes picking out the outfit she was now wearing—tight designers jeans and a pastel green silk camisole with pale pink lace trim that complimented her dirty blonde hair and dark green eyes. Spencer knew she looked pretty, and she was planning on milking it for all it was worth. She was going to hook up tonight, she promised herself, because that was the only way she’d get over Jake.

‘Time After Time’ started to play again. Spencer reached for her cell phone. She had to change her ringtone someday. “Hello?”

“Hey.” It was Chelsea. She sounded like she had been crying.

“What’s up?” Spencer skipped off the stool in front of her vanity and into her walk-in closet. As she held the phone to her ear with her shoulder, she surveyed her large assortment of shoes, all coordinated neatly on the left closet wall.

“You know how I planned to have my party at the lake and stuff?”

Spencer nodded, reaching for a pair of dark green silk stilettos. Then she remembered Chelsea couldn’t see her. “Yeah, uh-huh. Why?”

Chelsea sniffed loudly. “It’s pouring rain, Spence! And you know Eric?” Eric was Chelsea’s brother. Spencer slipped the left shoe on. “He got this gross cold. So my mom says I can’t have anybody in the house.”

“Are you serious?” Without bothering to put on the right shoe, Spencer hobbled across the room to the large windows and lifted the edge of a crimson velvet curtain. It was pouring. “That sucks.”

“Yeah. So, my party’s next week. I’m really sorry.” Spencer sat down on her floor and pulled off her shoe. “I gotta call other people now, okay? Bye.”

“Bye.” Spencer shut off the phone and sat, frozen for the second time in the past twenty minutes. What was she going to do? Now that Chelsea’s party was canceled, all she could do was just sit at home and mope about Jake, which she’d promised herself she wouldn’t do.

Well... there was one thing she could do. It was pretty crazy, but she was desperate to get out of the house. If she spent one more second alone in the room where they’d first made out, she’d freak.

Spencer walked back into her closet and flipped through the rack of dresses. Finally, hidden behind the last dress, (a cream-colored size four with a swishy skirt and no straps she’d chosen for junior prom back when she was a sophomore) she found what she was looking for. A very large cardboard box, duct taped shut. On one side of the box, she’d written ‘J’ in purple marker.

Using the heel of the shoe she’d tried on before, Spencer ripped open the box and stared at the mess of things inside. Pictures, cards, candy wrappers... something sparkled in the light and caught her attention. She pulled it out carefully. It was the charm bracelet Jake had given her for her sweet sixteen, a pool party last May. Each of the five charms had a special meaning. The little ice cream cone represented their first date at an ice cream parlor, on July 17. The tiny tennis racket was for the place they’d had their first kiss and decided to officially date, on August 12 last year. There was a guitar for him, a chef’s hat for her, and a miniature, rhinestone-studded heart. Without really thinking, Spencer fastened it around her wrist. She’d worn it every day after he’d given it to her. After she found him in the hot tub with the skinny sophomore who had a wretched fake tan, she’d ripped it off and thrown it in his face during their fight. Once he’d stormed out from the room, she’d dashed to pick it up and pocket it.

Spencer dug deeper into the box, trying not to let the mementos bring back any now painful memories. Finally, she found the ticket. Friday, November 12, 2005. A Dying Art. The TD Banknorth Garden (which was really a gigantic arena in Boston.) 9:30. Spencer looked at her clock. It was 8:45. Suddenly panicked, she grabbed her white puffer jacket and car keys and ran down the stairs. Thank god her parents were away for the weekend, and she could just take off without being questioned.

Spencer started up the white convertible, another sweet sixteen present. Oh no, now she was remembering her birthday—another day spent with him. Spencer stared at the dashboard, trying to swallow back tears. Once she felt under control, she turned the keys and started to drive.

Flashback

Warm nights

Almost left behind

Suitcases of memories

Time after...

As she started driving downtown, Spencer wondered if Jake would show up, too. Probably not. The night they broke up, besides being the last time she’d seen him, had also been the first time she’d seen him cry. While, he seemed to be crying. She had been sobbing too hard to see much.

He’d left messages on her phone for a month afterward. She’d never called him back, but had been tempted many times. There was a folder in the box of memories, and it was stuffed full of letters she’d written him after that night. First she’d written about five letters a day, but it had dwindled down to nothing. She liked to use this as proof to herself that she was really over him.

Of course, she wondered, if she was really over him, would she need to prove it? To herself?

Spencer turned up the car radio. She was listening to the first A Dying Art CD, the CD she’d had in her player the first time they’d met.

It had been June. The day after school had ended. Spencer had been lying on the high diving board on her family’s backyard pool. The weather had been beautiful, and she was wearing this gorgeous white halter bikini she’d gotten for her birthday. She smiled. That had been a really great bathing suit. It had fit so well. Too bad she wasn’t a B Cup anymore, or she’d still have worn it.

Then the guy had come to clean their pool. Only, it wasn’t the crusty middle-aged guy who usually did it, it was somebody her own age. Spencer had rolled onto her stomach and lowered her sunglasses to see him better. He had pale brown hair and dark brown eyes. She’d felt a little nervous in spite of herself, but she tried to act cool and play it off.

Spencer giggled at the next part of the memory. She’d been leaning her whole head over the edge of the board, trying to see him better, when—trying to sexily toss her hair—she’d tumbled all the way into the pool, bringing the CD player with her. Jake saw her, dropped the net he was using to fish out leaves, and dove in, hitting the water almost before she did. He’d made sure she was safely out of the water before swimming down, still fully clothed, to get the CD player. The CD had rolled out, and he’d bought it up next.

“You like A Dying Art?”

She’d momentarily forgotten her embarrassment and grinned. “I love them.”

“Me too! I probably scratched your CD, though. I’m sorry.”

“I bet it’s okay.” Spencer smiled, blushing under the gaze of his deep blue eyes. “Let’s go check,” she said brightly, eager for more time with him. She’d led him inside the house, to the large entertainment center in the living room. She’d turned it to song number five, a cover of Cyndi Lauper’s ‘Time After Time.’ Feeling a little confident in her new, beautiful bathing suit, Spencer had squealed “I love this song!” and boldly put her arms on Jake’s shoulders and started dancing. It had been one of the top ten most exhilarating moments of her life. Come to think of it, all the other nine had been with him, too.

Spencer sighed, then was jerked out from her memories as she saw an available parking space. She slid into it. No more thinking about Jake. Tonight she was going to have fun and get over him, dammit.

As soon as she got to her seat, she realized that was much easier said than done. Sitting in the seat next to her’s was the one person she’d thought the most of and seen the least of for the past three months. Jake.

Sometimes you picture me

I’m walking too far ahead

You’re calling to me

I can’t hear what you’ve said

Jake hadn’t noticed her yet, Spencer saw with relief. He was slouching and staring at his hands, but she could still seem some of his face. He was wearing jeans, like she was, and she felt a pang seeing that he still had those black sneakers he used to wear every day. Spencer twirled the bracelet on her wrist, a nervous habit from when they’d been dating. Rain was splattered on the shoulders of his favorite old red sweatshirt. His hair was a little overgrown, and he looked... older—taller and stronger and sort of...lonely, in a tough kind of way He definitely wasn’t the boy she’d thrown her bracelet at last summer. He was somebody else now.

“Miss, are you going to stand there all day?” Spencer turned around. An overweight middle aged women wearing a ‘Disneyland’ sweatshirt was behind her, standing next to a skinny preteen with stringy hair, and glaring angrily. “My daughter and I have tickets for the seats you’re blocking. Stacy and I didn’t come here just stand behind you.”

“Uh, I’m sorry.” Spencer turned around. Jake was staring silently at her with raised eyebrows. Spencer wasn’t able to read his expression the way she used to. She wondered what he was thinking. She took a deep breath and tried not to look at Jake’s face as she talked to him. “Excuse me. I think I’m on your other side.”

“Yeah, I think you are.” His voice was calm, but he didn’t move his legs. Spencer sucked in and stepped past him, flouncing into the seat next to him.

“Finally!” the women huffed, squeezing into her seat next to Jake.

Spencer felt her stomach churning. She glanced quickly at Jake, then looked back when she saw he was staring at her. At her wrist, to be specific. “What are you looking at?” she snapped, and it came out a little angrier than she’d wanted it to.

“I didn’t know you still had that,” he said softly. “I thought you said you’d never wear it again, right before you whipped it at my face.”

Oh. The bracelet. “I thought you said you liked me,” she retorted, sounding way more juvenile than she wanted to.

Jake stood up and looked down at her. “I worked all summer for these tickets. I thought I’d just come tonight just so the money wouldn’t be wasted. But now I think I’d better go. Enjoy yourself, Spencer.” He turned around.

“Wait!” Spencer wanted to cover her mouth. Why had that come out?! “I mean... you worked really hard,” she added lamely.

“Yeah, but not so I could sit here and listen to you insult me.”

“I can stop. I’ll stop. I promise.” He sat down quickly. It was almost like he wanted to, she thought, and then quickly pushed the thought from her head. Spencer sighed, which turned out to be a bad idea, because then she ended up inhaling his familiar smell. It made her heart ache.

“So, did you ever end up giving those guitar lessons at the elementary school?” Spencer said as chattily as possible, trying to start a conversation. Cosmo said that when you’re really over a guy, you could just talk to him normally. Spencer felt dizzy and sick. Definitely not normal. Shit.

“No.”

“Oh... that’s too bad. You were so excited about that.” She remembered his eyes lighting up as he described teaching music to the little kids at the school near his house. Jake was an excellent musician. He’d played their song for her on their first anniversary, and she’d cried like crazy. “How’s Caroline?” His older sister had been like a mentor to Spencer when they’d been going out.

Jake slouched again and stared straight ahead. “Not too good, I guess. She doesn’t want to come home for Thanksgiving.”

“Why?”

“She’s mad at our parents, I guess. She was really pissed at them for splitting.”

Spencer couldn’t imagine the friendly, laid-back Caroline being angry at anybody. “What did your parents split?”

He turned to look at her. “Jesus, Spencer. They split up.”

The fat women tapped him on the shoulder. “Watch your mouth.”

Spencer was reeling. Jake’s parents were divorced? But they had always been so... so what, exactly? She realized she hadn’t even known that much about his family, even when they were going out. “Sorry. I mean... I didn’t know your parents were, um...”

“Yeah, well.” He looked ahead again. “You never really asked.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“What do you think? It means that you always cared just about yourself. You weren’t that great of a girlfriend.”

Spencer felt like he had slapped her. “What are you talking about? I guess hooking up with some random underclassman made you the perfect boyfriend, right?!”

“No, see, she asked how I was doing. And actually listened to me. I wasn’t thinking clearly, even though there’s obviously nothing to say to make you get it, my mom had moved out the night before.”

“She what? You never told me that.” Spencer was really lost now. She had been a perfect girlfriend! “It’s not a good excuse, anyway. There’s really no excuse for cheating, Jake.”

“Um, excuse me?” They both turned to look behind Jake, where stringy-haired Stacy was gnawing on a thumbnail and talking to them at the same time. “Like, if you guys broke up, why are you here together?”

“We bought the tickets in advance,” Spencer said slowly. This was awful. Fighting in public. And now they had an audience?

“Oh, I see.” Stacy grinned at them, but didn’t look away.

Spencer squinted at Jake. “We can finish this later,” she whispered.

He leaned his face close to her’s, and for one crazy second she thought he was going to kiss her. “What’s the point?” he hissed in her ear.

Spencer stared straight ahead, trying not to focus on the creepy looks weird Stacy was giving them. Soon, she couldn’t stop herself and a few tears leaked down her cheeks.

“Spencer, stop it.” Jake’s voice just made her cry harder. Why couldn’t she stop? This was so embarrassing. And like she really needed to remind him how ugly she looked when she cried. “You didn’t even like me that much. It’s not worth crying over.”

She wiped her tears on her arm. “What are you talking about, Jake? I liked you!”

“You didn’t even let me apologize. Or explain. All you really wanted was just somebody to hook up with. So quit So quit crying, okay? You can get all that stuff from your new boyfriend.”

“I don’t have a new boyfriend,” she sniffed.

“You don’t?!” He sounded... happy? “I mean... that doesn’t matter. The rest is still true.”

She fished for a tissue in her pocket and blew her nose loudly. “No, it’s not. Of course it’s not. How can you even think that?! I loved you, and you broke my heart.” Oh, god. You broke my heart? How much lamer could she sound? Jake mumbled something she couldn’t hear. “What?”

“I said I loved you, too,” he muttered, and then focused intently on the stage, where the band still hadn’t started yet.

“Wait, what?!” Just as Spencer leaned towards him, the lights started to dim. She settled back in her seat to watch the concert, feeling weirdly hopeful. There had been something in his voice, she was sure there had.

When you say go slow

I fall behind

The second hand unwinds

By the time the opening act was done, Spencer had a huge headache. They had been too loud and she just wasn’t in the mood to yell, or throw her hands up, or dance, or anything remotely in the spirit of festive concert-going. What she really wanted to do was take a long, hot shower, and then go to bed.

The lights went back on as the opener’s equipment and set was hauled off. Spencer turned to look at Jake. He was already looking at her.

“I’m sorry about your parents,” she said awkwardly. “That must be really tough for you.”

He shrugged. “You’re right, though. It was my fault I let Doreen kiss me.”

“Let her kiss you, Jake?” Spencer was feeling angry again. “What you talking about? I was getting a soda, and when I took it back onto the deck, you were making out and her orange hands were all over you. What’s your problem?”

“Look, I know I made a mistake, okay? And I’m apologizing. Isn’t that what you want?” He sighed. “I was... I don’t know, I guess I was worried or something. I thought maybe I was missing out on something better.”

“Were you?”

“Dammit, Spencer, I obviously wasn’t, or I wouldn’t have called you for a month.”

She swallowed. “Five weeks.”

“Yeah, until the night when there was that dance. I saw you dancing with Eric Valentine, and that was when I figured out you were over me.”

“I wasn’t over you at all.” Spencer looked at her feet. Why had she said that?

“But you are now, aren’t you?” His eyes were avoiding her’s while he talked.

Spencer didn’t know what to say. Lucky for her, the lights dimmed again.

If you’re lost you can look and you will find me

Time after time

If you fall, I will catch you

I will be waiting

Time after time

After my picture fades and darkness has turned to grey

Watching through windows, you’re wondering if I’m okay

Secrets, stolen from deep inside

The drum beats out of time

A Dying Art, despite their gloomy name, was a fairly upbeat band. Spencer still wasn’t in the mood for dancing, but she was glad to hear her favorite songs. By the third song, her headache faded and she got more into the concert, nodding her head and mouthing the lyrics.

The first five songs went wonderfully. As the drummer started his solo in the middle of the sixth song, not one of her favorites, Spencer finally decided on an answer to Jake’s question. She leaned over the armrest between them. “Are you over me?”

He waited a few seconds before turning to face her. In the darkness, Spencer couldn’t see his face clearly, but she could feel his eyes on her. For what felt like hours, they didn’t turn away from each other. It must have only been a few minutes though, because soon the song was over and the singer was telling people to take out their cell phones and cigarette lighters. “This next song is a ballad,” she said excitedly, and Spencer felt her heart sink. “And it’s a cover of an awesome song by Cyndi Lauper.”

Spencer tore her eyes away from Jake and groped though her purse until she found her cell phone, She opened it so the blue light was visible and lifted it up to wave over her head. Around the arena, other people were taking out various lighted things, and it looked more beautiful than it should have as the lights bobbed back and forth like tiny stars.

The first few notes started. Spencer felt more tears welling up.

The song was reminding her of how she’d felt when they’d danced that day in her living room. She’d been wet and a little drippy, so they hadn’t stood too close. But over the next few days, months, and seasons, she had felt closer to him than anybody else. She had been wrong not to talk to him, although of course he’d been wrong to cheat on her...

“I wish we could just start over,” Spencer whispered to herself, suddenly feeling too depressed and worn out to even cry.

“What?” She turned towards Jake. He had heard her!

“I said, um... I wish... I was Cyndi Lauper! Or, like, Madonna. Or Molly Ringwald. The eighties were just so... tacky. But, like, in a good way.”

“Can you please shut up? I happen to like this song.” The fat lady again.

Jake leaned closer to her and whispered in her ear. “No, Spencer, I heard what you said the first time. I was just surprised.”

“Oh, um well... I didn’t mean... Don’t think that I’m...” She twisted the bracelet nervously.

“Me too.”

“What?!” Spencer sat straight up.

“I said, keep it down! Do you want me to call security to take you out? Because I would, you know. Don’t think for one second I’d hesitate.”

“Me too,” Jake repeated.

“You’d call security too? Because, um, that’s really unnecessary. I think just one person needs to, um, call for them. And, wouldn’t yelling for a security guard make, uh, more noise? Thus ruining your reason for calling in the first place?” Spencer babbled nervously, trying to stop believing what she’d thought he’d said.

“No, Spencer. I want to start over. I’m really sorry and I want to start over.”

“Can you please stop chatting? This is a concert!” Their neighbor was getting angry.

“Momma, can you stop yelling at them okay? I’m trying to listen.” Spencer felt a sudden eagerness to be quiet, once she remembered their audience.

“Do you mean that?” Spencer whispered, tilting closer to Jake so he could hear her.

His shadowy face got closer to her’s. Spencer didn’t need to see him to know that he was smiling, the familiar smile that always made her feel like she was melting.

Spencer hugged Jake closely, feeling happier than she had in the past few months. By the time the song ended, they were kissing, and everything finally felt right.

If you’re lost, you can look and you will find me

Time after time

If you fall I will catch you, I will be waiting

Time after time

“Did you walk here?” Spencer asked Jake as the lights went back on and they paused their kissing to take a breath and applaud.

“I took the T.”

“Would you like me to drive you home?” She rested her head on his shoulder. “Or we could stop at my house. I made a cake this morning, you know.”

“Oh, that’s evil, Spence. Use your baking skills to lure me to your house.” He grinned. “I’d love to come.”

Spencer smiled as they walked to the car. It felt so good just to be wit him again. She felt like a loser at first—for taking him back and forgiving him so quickly, but now she realized that even if Jake hadn’t been so...intense that night, she wouldn’t have gotten over him. Maybe they had been together for too long, and she needed to find something else, maybe there was somebody else who wouldn’t make her so angry.

No, she decided, as she unlocked the car. There wasn’t anybody else she’d rather be with.

The drive through the rain went much quicker with Jake than it had when Spencer was by herself.

“Here we are,” Spencer said unnecessarily as she pulled the car up into the long driveway. As she took the key from her pocket and unlocked the heavy wooden front door, Jake was staring at her with a look she recognized. It made her blush. “Would you like some cake? It’s chocolate kind, and I used that creamy frosting you used to love so much. We might have some ice cream in the freezer, too.”

“Sounds like a party.” Spencer grinned. God, she’d missed him so much.

Spencer flipped her hair over her shoulder, a gesture she knew he loved. “Maybe we can have the cake later. See... I redecorated my bedroom over October. It’s not lavender anymore, now it’s red.” She smiled at Jake, then bit her lip and looked at the floor. “Do you think you can picture it?” Without waiting for an answer, she looked back up. “Maybe I should show you.”

“You know I’d love to see it.” Jake threw an arm over her shoulders. “Let’s go.”

Up in Spencer’s room, they were soon kissing on her bed. After fifteen delirious minutes, Spencer reluctantly pulled back.

“What’s wrong?” Jake mumbled, running his hand up and down her arm.

“Nothing,” she whispered. Spencer rolled onto her side and propped her head up with her hand. “I just thought... maybe we should talk.”

“Are you dumping me?”

“What?” Spencer rolled her eyes. “Duh, of course not. I was just wondering... do you want to talk? About, I don’t know, your family or... something?” She smacked her forehead. “Man, I suck at this.”

Jake started fiddling with a tendril of her hair. “No, you don’t. And we can get better at it, you know.”

“Get better?” She playfully pushed him. “I need to improve? So you’re saying that I do suck!”

“Did I say that?” He pushed her back.

Spencer suddenly felt so full of happiness that she giggled. This time, she knew, they would do better.