Looking at her face as she lay there, so pale and lifeless among the crisp whiteness of the hospital bed sheets, almost brought me to tears again. Why'd she have to do it? As I think of the last few weeks, the last few months. Everything I did. Everything she did because of it. In a way, this is my fault. It's her that payed the price for my selfish dreams. But it's me that feels all the emotional pain. It's me that can't move on. And because I couldn't let go of her we took part in this dance of life over and over, until finally we took it too far. Until I drove her to this. She meant so much to me. I loved her more then I've loved anyone. More then I'll ever love anyone. And that's probably why I can't bring myself to move on. To let go. So I drove her to this. Because whenever I didn't get my way, I'd get depressed and act like the whole world was against me. So she'd come to my rescue, and tell me the lie I wanted to hear so much. Say the words I needed to hear, even though I knew she didn't mean them. Even though I knew they were forced out for my sake. Not for hers. Not so she'd feel good, or appreciate any of what I did for her. But so I wouldn't die. So I wouldn't do what she did. So I wouldn't take up the burdens of my childhood, my teenage years and everything else. So that I wouldn't be driven to the edge again because of my love for someone so distant to me. I should have realised she didn't mean what she said when I finally figured out she was lying to me, that she'd been lying to me all along. When I found out she'd cheated on me the first time I made her part of my life, it seemed like part of me died. But not the part that loved her. That can never die. No matter how much she hurts me. No matter how many times I come back to her, no matter how many times I ask to hear that same lie. But then, it always was a one sided relationship. One that she simply wanted to escape. But I never thought she'd go this far. I never thought she'd punish me this much for loving her. And then I'd read again the note she sent me, before she left me for good. And Any misconceptions I'd had about her love would just dissolve.

Dearest Jakob,

This should be the last time I write anything to you

And I have to write it quickly, before I lose my nerve and back out of this

Jakob, I love you

I always have, and I always will

No matter how our lives turn out, my love for you is ever-lasting

Don't look on this as an act of selfishness

Even though it is really

But I can't bare the though of not having you love me, and not loving you

I can't bare the thought of not having you as a part of my life for ever

I love you more then I could ever love anything else Jakob

I love you more then I love my life

So for you, for me, for us, I'm leaving this world

I want my last moment on this earth to be a moment of me knowing how much you love me

I've gone over all our conversations in our mind, all our photos, all our letters

And I know you love me

So please, do not mourn my passing

Because in this l am truly alive

In my death, my love for you lives on

Remember me always,

Elizabeth

But now my life lacks meaning. I have no reason to keep going. She was my life, and with her gone, I can't bring myself to keep going. I still love her. But with her passing, part of me has passed to. I want to be able to hold her again, kiss her one last time. I want to feel her warm body next to mine one last time.

But I'll never be able to see her smile again. I'll never be able to hear her laughter, hear her calling my name, see her hair fall around her face or smell her unique scent. I'll never be able to hold her against me again. This is all only just starting to sink in. I'm kneeling besides the bed now, with the faint beeping of a machine telling me she's slowly dying. Soon I'll be all alone again. Now the tears really are coming. I've never cried like this before. It's like I'm pouring out part of my soul. Which I suppose I am, in a way. With her goes a part of my soul. With her goes who I am. I'm going to be pitied for this. Even now, as the nurses prepare me for the worst, their hands never leave my shoulders. but I don't want their pity. They can't possibly understand how much I hurt right now. My life is fading before my eyes. Fading and dying. I want to die. I want this to be over. I want her to be alive, to be laughing at me because I'm crying. I want her to pity me. Because she is the only one who has ever understood me. She is the only one I've ever loved. But she too is leaving me. Just like everyone else in my life. I've buried my face in the sheets now, because I don't want anybody else to see me like this. This grieving is a private thing. It's for me only. I can't share it with anyone else. How could I possibly describe how I feel now? How could I possibly tell anybody what I'm going through? I don't even understand it. Nobody else possibly could.

There's another hand on my head now. Yet another person trying to shove their useless pity off on me. But this hand feels strangely familiar as it strokes my hair. Looking up, lifting my head from the bed, I gaze into eyes i never thought I'd see again. And I see her smile at me, a smile like the sun rising over the ocean, like birds singing in spring, like everything good in the world pushed into one moment, one look. And all for me. Nobody else shares in this smile. Sitting up, I grab onto her hands and hold tightly, willing her to gather enough strength to keep living. But as suddenly as it happened, it stops. Her smile remains on her face, but her eyes close and the grip her hands have on mine loosens. And with that she left me. But in her last moment, I knew she was happy. And I owe it to her to be happy too. So I'll keep going, to make sure everyone else remembers the person she really was. To make sure everyone knows she was the person I loved.

Robert Cox

13.11.2005