FOREWARD: So You Don't Explode

It is, in this case, important to mention that this is a sequel to a book no one ever wrote. In that book, Neko is a great cheese sandwich - yes, a sandwich - living on the Enlightened Planets at the end of our galaxy.

I can't help you understand this yet, but don't worry. I don't expect you to.

The Author, C. Beyerle

ONE

All though it is rarely realized, it can be proven through extensive scientific research that some of the greatest things in the universe are consumed daily by the average human being.

It is on the planet Earth that human beings live for the most part, and on this planet, hyper-dimensional beings called Samf Dwetches live. Unfortunately, when this was explained to the people of Earth, they understood it to be “sandwiches.” Sandwiches (or Samf Dwetches) which are served on plates next to fries and are often accompanied by, say, a large glass of milk or possibly a cold beer.

Dave Richards often ate sandwiches, and recently embarked on a long journey to discover about the vast super-intelligence of these foods. What he discovered amazed him, but not as much as what he discovered when he returned to his home in Burlington, Vermont.

Because, when he arrived at his home, a particularly grubby one on the outskirts of town, he half expected it to…well, be where he had left it, and not, as it was, three and a half feet to the left. On the far right end, three and a half feet of foundation was standing, completely topless and letting things into Dave’s basement, such as bugs, small animals, leaves, and his best friend, Todd McManus.

“Todd, what are you doing in my basement?”

“My apologies,” Todd called up, “but I was looking for your front porch and seemed to have, uh, missed it.”

“I noticed…Todd, what’s going on?”

“I was about to ask you the same question.”

Dave looked around his yard. A squirrel crawled out of a half-buried oven in the driveway.

“Why is there a half-buried oven in my driveway?” Dave asked. Todd looked up at him.

“There are a lot of questions that need to be answered, and will be, hopefully. However, most importantly: I am in your basement and you are in the driveway. This is bad.”

“Why is this bad?”

“Because at this moment we should both be somewhere that we can enjoy a sandwich and a large glass of milk or possibly a cold beer. Unfortunately, we can’t go somewhere like that until I am safely out of this basement.”

Dave looked down at him.

“Did you try the stairs?”

“What stairs?”

“Oh…that’s right, too.” Dave remembered having the stairs once, unfortunately, his electrician, a man whom Dave called Frank the Vandal, had eliminated them to get at a box of light bulbs. Dave had tried to explain that there was a perfectly serviceable door to the under-stair storage room, but Frank really did only like doing things his way, anyway.

“Well, how about I throw this old oven down, and then you can climb on top of it and hoist your way up and out? Will that work?”

Todd said it would, and Dave went over to the oven to try and figure out how to pry it out of the driveway. He looked at it and decided that he should open the oven door and try to pick it up that way, but as he opened the door, the squirrel returned and promptly bit Dave on his hand.

“Ahh! Stupid squirrel!”

Dave walked back to his new basement skylight.

“That plan may not work, Todd.”

“So I gathered,” Todd replied, and he looked around the basement.

“Hey, now, how long have you been down there?”

“Oh, about two days, now. Ever since we got back to town. Where’ve you been?”

“Me? Oh, about, you know. The pub, store, so on.”

“For two days?” Todd was astonished, and looked at Dave wide-eyed.

“Well, a bit of unfinished business. Listen, if I’d known you were trapped in my basement and that my house was not where it should be then I would’ve hurried home sooner. But it wouldn’t have changed much.”

“Well,” Todd sighed, “I might not have been so hungry.”

Dave went around to the back of his house and found half a ladder. He eased it down into the basement.

“It’s about two feet tall.” said Todd.

“And…?”

“The basement is about ten feet tall.”

“Jump.”

Todd stepped onto the ladder and climbed all three rungs to the top, stretched out his arms, and jumped.

“Did it work?” called Dave from the bathroom inside.

“That depends,” Todd yelled back, “was the plan to break the ladder and give me large, bloody scars on my arms?”

The toilet flushed. Todd looked up as Dave’s head appeared at the top of the concrete wall that made his prison.

“Why did my house move?” asked Dave.

“Why am I in your basement?” asked Todd.

“Why did it take me two days to get home?” asked Dave.

“Why is there a half-buried oven in the front lawn?” asked Todd.

“I have a very good clue…I think the sandwiches are planning something…”

“You mean Neko has a plan?”

“Very likely,” Dave said, “However, we need to get you out of the basement, and to do that, I have strung together all my bathroom towels to form a rope ladder.”

“Did you wash your hand before you did this?”

“Just take the towels!”

Very carefully, Todd grabbed the towels and pulled Dave down into the basement.

“Great…this is going perfectly.” said Todd. Actually, because Dave landed on top of him, he said “Ngff…iff if owin erfaflea.”

Fortunately, at this precise moment, a beautiful young woman carrying a ladder walked up the driveway and tripped on a small protruding oven.

“Where the hell did that come from?” she asked. Suddenly, she heard voices from inside the ground.

“Hello?”

“Erfmx!”

“Is someone there?”

“Ge uffa ee!”

“Hellooooo?”

“Ave!”

Dave stood up and ran to the basement wall. Above him, the face of a goddess appeared looking down at him and Todd.

“Um…Dave,”

“Yes, Julia?”

“What are you doing in my basement?”

There was a moment of silence as Dave tried to silence the symphonic orchestra playing in his head. Unfortunately, they were playing a particularly loud and strange version of a song Dave liked about some little town in Canada, and he rather enjoyed listening to it.

“Whose basement?” Todd asked quietly.

“Mine, I believe.” the woman, who we can deduce was named Julia, said.

“Uh…are you sure this is your basement? It looks vaguely like it is attached to my house…” said Dave.

“Well, it isn’t attached to…is that your house? Well, so it is…Dave, why is your house on my basement? Where is my house…Todd, what are you doing in my basement…”

“Julia…this is my basement.” Dave said calmly.

“Are there stairs in it?” Julia asked.

“No.”

“Then I’m afraid it’s my basement.”

“But,” said Todd, “if this is your basement – and, I believe, it is, since it has your grandmother’s old television in it – why is Dave’s house on top of it?”

“I dunno.” said Julia. “Listen,” she said, “I can’t get you out of there for another half-hour, when my uncle is supposed to come and paint my house. He’ll have a ladder. In the mean time, would you like a cheese sandwich?”

“A what?”

“A cheese sandwich. They are pretty good. Usually I would put a bit of pepperoni in it but I don’t have any one me.”

“Wait – Dave,” Todd said excitedly, “Neko – the Most Exalted Sandwich – said that there was another super-dimensional food product – what did he say it was?”

“I think…” said Dave, after a long period of time, “that he may have said it was cheese.