Strictly this is non-fiction. I sat up last night at about 1 or 2 am and wrote this almost unconsciously. I edited it briefly, added probably two words and inserted paragraphs so you can actually read it, but it seriously is the creation of a doomed mind. Enjoy :-)

I know I should go to bed but I stay awake a long time into the night staring at my computer screen. Playing games, singing along to music, talking pointlessly to people, waiting to see if he'll come online, if he'll talk to me, how long I can keep him talking before he goes to bed... I can feel my body protesting with the exhaustion but I don't care, I keep on and on, staring, clicking, typing, being. Forcing myself awake, abusing myself in some weird kind of way, like I'm punishing myself for liking him, for even considering that we could be together.

And all the time I force my mind to be awake the thoughts get crazier and crazier, until I'm exhausted, because it's only then that I can sleep, that I know I won't lie in bed for hours hugging onto my pillow and wishing it was him, because it never will be. And then it seems I've tortured my brain so much it tortures me more, and I dream about him. Way more than I used to dream about any other crush. More then I used to dream about my boyfriend, when I had one. But the whole stupid cycle is addictive, so that I can't go to bed without exhasting myself on solitaire or bejeweled first. And I get ill. I feel sick with tiredness and that kind of sick feeling you get when you have a cold and your tonsils are really swollen up. I know I'm doing it to myself.

But the best part is the dreams. And when I wake up in the morning sometimes it's all so stupid. I'm not even in love with him any more. I hardly think of him on Tuesdays or Wednesdays. Thursdays only "will I think about him tomorrow?" and I always do. Every Friday comes round and I get excited again. It's like that old song. "I don't care if Monday's blue, Tuesday's grey and Wednesday too, Thursday I don't care about you, Friday I'm in love." And Saturday night is a blitz of digital self-harm. Always the high I get after seeing him and then trying to convince myself it isn't real and it fades to hysteria, like this, typing nonsense into the night becuse I can't fucking think of a single other thing. Does he like me? Do I have a chance? Will it happen? How long? How long? How long? Endless questions breaking into the hubbub of my brain and always, always there.

I try to forget him, even when he's right in front of me. He is so hot. It's not the same with anyone else. Never ever have I felt this way about someone. He takes over my whole life for forty-eight hours, and always, always when I dream. Is it love, or obsession? How could we ever know? How will I ever know if he won't reach out to me to tell me how he feels? Maybe he's trying. Maybe I need to try harder. Maybe I need to give up this impossible dream.

-Yeah, I know, I sound insane. But there you go, people. An insight into my crazy little mind. Reviewing won't make you crazy too, you know...