BREAKDOWN

(Play Version)

Writer: Strannik

Editor(s): Illandere, Randirogue

Characters

Desipio Oris Columnior – a centuries-old immortal admired and feared throughout the land. Has bizarre sense of fashion and decency. Considered insane by most of his peers. The Grey Lady disagrees.

Grey Lady (Rosaline) – one of the oldest immortals alive. She is beautiful, but there is something about her. Wears a long skirt and a jacket with a plunging neckline. She has a rather large cross in between her breasts. She thinks she can act with impunity. No matter what happens, she’s always in control.

Grey Lady’s Henchmen – two men who do her bidding. Nothing more needs to be said.

Setting.

A small (2 meters by 2 meters) featureless, metallic looking cells. It seems to completely lack doors and windows.

The Prison Cell. ORIS is lying on the floor. As the lights brighten, he opens his eyes and forces himself to get up. He feels his way around the cell. He looks bemused.

Oris: Grey Lady? Oh, you naughty, naughty hag. That’s no way no treat a guest. No no. And I was so liking your wine. Pause Damn, wine. I really should have known better. You being all Christianly pure and crap…

Anyway, if you don’t mind, I would like to leave now.

Oris tilts his head to the side, waiting in anticipation

Oris (sighs) Oh, come on!

The door still doesn’t open.

Oris: Oh, fine, be that way! I can wait. I got all the time in the world.

Lights dim.

Grey Lady (off-stage, dispassionately) Thirty minutes later…

Lights brighten

Oris is standing in the middle of the room, his arms crossed.

Oris: I wonder, Grey Lady. What exactly do you hope to accomplish? I said no, and I meant what I said and I said what I meant. Honestly. You would think someone as old as you would grasp something so stupidly simple…

He sighs.

Oris: God, do you remember the first time we met? Of course you do. Our kind never forgets. But humor me, will you?

The year was 1600. I was in London; attending one of those pointless balls dear old Queen Lizzy threw to assure her court that despite that pesky Irish resistance, everything was fine and dandy, oh yes. I was just a Fool, a toy for pampered man-wenches. Of course, the ladies found me so adorable. Except Muirin, but she was trying to shag one of Prince John’s chambermaids, so I didn’t mind much. Anyway, just when I was about to piss off some archduckery, you come in, all dark and elegant. Kind of gothy now that I think about it... You laughed with me. You called me clever. You asked me to help you with a cause of yours...

Don’t me wrong. I had fun with the Anglican Church… Oh-we-are-like-Catholics-except-we-are-not-because-we-have-a-king-instead-of-a-Pope… God, those hypocrites! Anyway, one day, I had a revelation. You, my dear Grey Lady, were completely and utterly mad. Yes, I know my brethren think the same of me. But you see, Grey Lady, when someone honestly, truly believes that the world revolves around her – now that’s raving madness, I tell you. Madness.

So I left. I never looked back. I thought we had an understanding.

Oris paces around the cell.

I hope you realize that this won’t do you any good. You won’t be able to trick me again. Torture won’t do you any good. And keeping me confined – well, I’m an immortal. It’s not like I’ll starve to death or anything.

Silence

Oris: Ok. I’m just going to go play with myself now.

Lights dim.

Grey Lady (off-stage, dispassionately) One hour later…

Lights return.

Oris is sitting on the floor, cross-legged.

Oris: I think I get it now. This isn’t about me. It’s about Remus. Good God…. I mean, I know he’s rich, charismatic, brilliant and oh so very handsome in a cherubic kind of way, but come on! The man actually thinks he can make this dirtball of a world a better place. That, my dear Grey Lady, takes balls, and you can’t handle the balls. Pause Besides, it’s not as if he ever liked you anyway. If he did, it would be Romeo and Rosaline, not Romeo and Juliet.

I know what you’re thinking. If you destroy everything Remus holds dear, he’ll have no one else to turn to. And you will be there, all nice and Christ-like, to comfort him, to remind him of what he’s been missing… I’ll spare you the angst. It won’t work. Remus worked long and hard to get to where he is right now. He won’t take kindly to someone ruining it. Not a bit. He might just kill you. For good.

Oris stands up.

You don’t get it, Grey Lady. You still think he’s a sweet angel of a boy you plucked all those centuries ago. He’s not. And he never will be. I mean it. Shakes his finger for emphasis Mind you, I’m not saying it because I care about your well being, because, honestly, I couldn’t give a shit at this point. I just don’t want Remus to waste his time. After kicking my ass, he shouldn’t have to bother with someone like you. It’s just not considerate and, quite frankly, an insult to his talents. He’s got a reputation to uphold, you know.

Silence

Oris (shrugs)Oh well… I tried.

Lights dim.

Grey Lady (off-stage, dispassionately) One and a half hour later…

Lights return.

Oris: You know what! This blows. I’ve been stuck in this cell for, what, three hours, and you still haven’t talked to me. That’s not fun, that’s not polite and, quite frankly, that’s just plain inconsiderate. And you know what the Bible says about being inconsiderate…

Except you probably don’t. You just picked out the parts you liked and ignored everything else. Granted, I was never much for all that contradictory crap, but at least I had the decency to read the whole thing…

You know what I hate more than hypocrites? Hypocrites who try to run my life. They’re everywhere. Politicians, clergymen, officials, businessmen, gilded gits all… Always trying to force me into false paradigms, always trying to tell me what I mean no matter what I say… It’s not just a fad. It’s a fucking lifestyle. For as long as I lived, every city, every country, hell, the whole world ran on hypocrisy. And if anyone tries to speak up, to stand up for themselves, to say what they mean and to mean what they say, they get their life sucked out of them. If they’re lucky, they die before that happens. And immortals… they’re the worst of the lot. They don’t learn. They don’t die. They just persist, like fungus on a forgotten sandwich.

I am not like that. I was never like that and I will never be like that. I don’t care if the world implodes and mortals wipe out all civilization. It would be worth it. Because, in the end of it all, I’ll be the only one who’ll be able to say: “Well, at least I was always true to myself.”

Good God… I’ve met so many worthy immortals. They weren’t free of hypocrisy, but at least they tried. With a few exceptions, they all wound up losing their heads. Yet you outlived them all. Why? You were never great. You were never inspiring. For as long as I lived, you’ve been a crazy, ugly, twisted old hag wearing a body you don’t deserve. God, I can’t believe Remus used to fuck you! At least that Catherine girl was smart enough to put him in his place once or twice. You… God, if only Remus knew. He would have dropped you like a worthless, pretentious, hypocritical slut you are.

Why am I wasting my time….

Lights dim.

Grey Lady (off-stage, dispassionately) Two hours later…

Lights return.

Oris is slouching against the wall

Oris: You should get on with it. Whatever you’re planning to do, you should get on with it. I have to warn you, though: drugs won’t work on me. Believe me, I tried. Torture – well, I suppose you’ll be able to hurt me enough before my body heals itself. I should tell you, though – I’ve been tortured by some of the best in the business. The Inquisition. Calvinists. The Masquerade. The Gestapo. NKVD. GRU. CIA. I was tortured by some of the best doctors in Japan and China. I was lynched, burned at the stake, stoned, drowned, quartered (took me a while to recover from that one). I had rats sewn in my stomach. Toquimada himself tortured me once, that poor skitzo. I think I broke him a bit. If our kind could have scars, I would be a fucking Frankenstein’s monster. So do your worst, Grey Lady. Bring it on.

Lights dim.

Grey Lady (off-stage, dispassionately) Four hours later…

Lights return.

At this point, Oris is struggling to maintain his bravado. It’s getting harder to breathe. He hasn’t had anything to eat in the while. Despite his immortality, this wears him down.

Oris: Let me tell you a story, Grey Lady. I’ve heard it from a very, very old immortal. She was actually quite shaggable despite her age. It’s too bad you killed her… Anyway, once upon a time, there was a young girl in a small village in the middle of the vast nowhere that Romans liked to call Germania. One day, a missionary came to the village. He told the people that he came to spread the Word about the grace of the One True God. That if they were willing to accept God’s son, Jesus Christ, as their savior, God will always protect them… Many villagers scoffed at this, but the young girl listened. She became a Christian. She said her prayers, did the works and took all the life’s toils in a stride. After all, God was always with her. Years passed. The young girl grew into a lovely young woman. There were quite a few suitors for her hand, but she refused them all. She would never marry someone who didn’t embrace here faith as much as she did. Then, one day, a band of Goths invaded her village, pillaging, murdering and raping everything in sight. She prayed and prayed, begging for God to save her. Her prayers went unanswered. On that day, the girl died, and her innocence died with her. In a fairer world, she would have stayed dead. But she came back as an immortal. She looked the same as she did before she was violated, but her faith; her love for God was twisted, warped. She became a sick parody of herself.

Most of our kind don’t know this story. You made sure of it. Everyone who’s heard it wound up with their heads sliced off. Sometimes by you. Sometimes by someone connected to you. I wonder why.... Do you hate your past self so much you can’t stand to be reminded of her? Are you afraid that if everyone knew, they would never respect you? No. That’s not it. It’s because somewhere within that barf-inducing mockery of a soul, a young village girl screams at you. I hate you! I hate you so much! I wish I were dead! You pray and pray, but she won’t go away. Isn’t it true, Rosalind of the Rhine! Isn’t it!

Silence

Oris (does an obscene gesture) Oh, fuck you, you cuntless tart, you ass-headed twig, you…

Grey Lady (off-stage, dispassionately, as Oris continues to swear soundlessly) Six hours later…

Oris: … shlyuha, konoyaru, suka, blyad’…

Lights dim.

Grey Lady (off-stage, dispassionately) One hour later…

Lights return.

Oris is kneeling on the floor, struggling not to collapse.

Oris: Oh… fuck. I’m gonna die here. Damn… She… She probably locked me in a box…somewhere… Tossed me in the desert. She doesn’t wanna torture me… She just wants me out of the way so that I won’t interfere… No… She needs me… She needs me… Oris coughs violently Dammit… I… I don’t want to live like this… Locked away… Forgotten… Maybe I’ll black out… Fall into a coma… Anything… Just don’t… just don’t let me feel… Don’t let me feel…

Oris collapses on the floor.

Lights dim.

Grey Lady (off-stage, dispassionately) Two weeks later…

Lights return

Oris is lying on the floor, in exactly the same position as he was before. An opening forms in the door behind him. The Grey Lady walks in, accompanied by two henchmen.

Grey Lady: Oris… Oris…

She circles around him, stopping right in front of his head. Oris groans

Grey Lady: Arise, Desipio Oris Columnior.

Oris looks up. Moves his head, like he’s unsure if he’s really seeing what he thinks he’s seeing. Grey Lady turns, her side facing the audience

Grey Lady: Help him, my knights.

The henchmen approach the Grey Lady. Each henchman grabs an arm. They lift him up. Oris’s head hangs uselessly.

Grey Lady: Are you ready to accept My grace, Desipio Oris Columnior? Are you ready to surrender your sinful desires and become the vessel for My purpose?

Oris lifts up his head and looks at the Grey Lady.

Oris (weakly) Yes.

Grey Lady: Are you ready to speak as I tell you to speak, dream as I tell you to dream, pillage as I tell you to pillage, kill as I tell you to kill?

Oris (weakly Yes. Just please… please… don’t ever leave me alone…

Grey Lady: Then, in the name of the Father, the Son and the Holy Virgin, I absolve you of your sins. I give you courage and the strength to follow my will without hesitation. May the blessing of God wash over you and fill your life with meaning.

Grey Lady crosses Oris.

Grey Lady (motioning at her henchmen: Come, Brother Oris. Your cleansing awaits.

Oris walks out of the prison, using the henchmen for support. Before he crosses the threshold, he looks back at the audience and gives them a thumbs-up.

They continue walking.

Lights dim.

The end.