When did it start?

I hate this feeling. It's hard to explain in just a couple words. There's not way of summarizing it or even begin to describe it. I could say I'm simply sad, but I'm lonely too. I could just as well say I'm lonely but I'm hurting too. And on and on it goes.

It doesn't make much sense. I was perfectly fine a couple months ago. The snow has already begun to fall and it's so cold. I don't like the cold. It wraps around me and sinks deep under my skin all the way into my bones. It lingers there even when I'm about to sleep. I wish I could escape, as a pile more and more blankets on me, but the cold goes deeper then the warmth of the blankets can touch.

I feel colder in some places. Sometimes I get so cold around one spot that I can feel my lungs and heart ache from pumping the cold blood through. In these places I feel hypnotized by the atmosphere and my own body's reactions. I stop thinking.

Late at night I watch the clock change from minute to minute, hour to hour. As I lie there, curled up into a ball underneath the heap of blankets, I hurt. It begins in my chest, aching and yearning for the warmth, and spreads through out my torso into my head. I'm overwhelmed by thoughts and memories and close my eyes tight trying to rid them.

It always happens around this time of year. I can always tell when it's close when I feel chills run down my arms as Thanksgiving nears. It just gets worse and worse after that.

I walked by a store today. It's scents made my head swell and my chest ache. It's interesting how scents enhance every memory you have. In my case, the scent of the store made my head spin and I had a sudden feeling of hurt. I had the sudden instinct to crawl into bed and just cry.

I hate that feeling, it's so many different things, I just can't say one. This time of year is so strange now, my head keeps swelling with forgotten memories and my chest yearns and aches. There is no real way to sum all these things up into one feeling, one emotion, illness, or situation.

All I know is that It wasn't like this when he was here ....