Infatuation & Failure

She was seated on a wooden bench, staring deeply into the lake stretched out before her, as though it held the answer to a riddle.

The sunrise threw golden highlights over her face, shimmering off of her dark hair in waves. The very air surrounding her was alive, the smells and sounds of the woods creating an aura that was so very perceptible, yet impossible to decipher.

The scene was breath–taking, and at that moment, that one–minute fraction of my life, she appeared more beautiful to me than she ever had before.

I couldn’t help myself; I stared long and hard, wishing that the moment would last forever. As it was, the passage of time around me seemed to have slowed to nothing, so that the seconds crawled, but I wasn’t complaining – not in the slightest.

I could have filled books with mere descriptions of her beauty.

But then she turned and saw me, breaking the silence. A smile found purchase on her lips and she beckoned me over. Inviting me to come sit next to her. Me? A mortal sit in the presence of a goddess?

I blinked once, smiled sloppily, and then walked over, feeling ninety percent of the saliva in my mouth evaporate in that instant that her eyes met mine. Awkwardly, I sat down on the bench beside her. rearranging my smile into a more casual grin.

“Hey,” I said simply. What else could I say?

“Hey, yourself,” she replied genially. “What’s going on?”

“I was going to ask you that.”

“Too bad – I asked you first.” She rested her head on her hand, her elbow on the wrought–iron arm of the bench. Waiting for an answer.

I shrugged simply, honestly, ambiguously. “Nuthin’. I was just wandering.” True, although I had been hoping to run into her.

“Coincidence.” She smiled secretively, her eyes containing a provocative secret. “I was wondering.”

The pun made me smile. “About what?”

Had my palms been sweating the whole time? Suddenly, they were soaked.

Her cheeks were tinged pink. She cast her beautiful green eyes away from mine, as though I had stumbled upon her secret treasure. “Nothing really,” she said coyly, as though she expected me to believe that were the case. “Nothing important.”

“No, no – try me,” I said, shifting in my seat, edging closer to her. “What’s on your mind? Something good?”

She brushed dark bangs from those beautiful eyes of hers and shrugged. “Nothing – like I said.” Her tone was one of shy innocence; it thrilled my heart. Pink had not left her cheeks. Her eyes sparkled in the sun.

I decided to tease her, so I rolled my eyes. “Sure.”

She smacked my arm playfully, barely grazing my forearm with her fingertips, but still managed to send a jolt through my entire body. “Stop it!” She pouted in mock indignation, and I loved it.

Feigning innocence: “What?”

It was her turn to arch an eyebrow; skepticism leaked into her eyes. “You know.” Like it was the most obvious thing in the world.

Taken aback, I had to think to see if I really did know. Still clueless, I queried, “I do?”

She laughed easily, musically, and gazed back out across the lake, seemingly lost in thought. Never answering my question; she was waiting for me to figure it out on my own. I studied her face, outlining with my eyes her soft cheeks, delicate nose, and partially open lips.

She was so beautiful…

She caught me looking, and I quickly looked down at my hands – too late. I knew she was watching the color rising in my face, knew a smile was parting her lips.

Finally, she broke the awkward silence. “How do you feel about me?” Her voice was more akin to a soft breath of breeze than her normal tone. It was a whisper; it buzzed in my brain, echoed in my heart.

Oh, great. She asked. What now?

She rested her head on her hand, watching my mouth open and close. There was a smile in her eyes, and a ghost of it had twitched the corners of her mouth upward.

I looked deep into those eyes – swirls of liquid greens, turquoises, blues – wishing I could just spit the words out, wishing more that I could just sit and stare – never touch, but just look and stare for eternity. I just wanted to tell her how beautiful I thought she was… how wonderful. Every aspect of her awed me, and I wanted to tell her that. Every time I planned this conversation out in my head, I always said the right things, the words just flowed easily, and I had the heart of the lion.

Now I cowered like a lamb. I didn’t know what to say, much less how to say it.

“I…uh…”

“Hmm?” she questioned, giving me that smile. It was the one that never failed to send a thrill through me. I called it my smile.

I knew I was sweating, knew I was flushed red, knew my heart was likely to explode under the strain. Don’t just sit there dumbfounded – say something, stupid! “I… I…”

She blinked again. “Well?” She voiced the interrogative not unkindly, not without patience.

I swallowed hard, wishing she could just read my mind, wishing she could just see what I was trying so earnestly to spit out. Weren’t my acts of affection enough proof? Every time I had offered her my chair, carried her things for her, made time for her, put her before myself… I would have thought it was obvious. But then again, maybe she just wanted to hear me say it.

I would have wanted to hear it said.

Why is it so difficult?! “I… I… really…” I gulped, then took a deep breath through my nostrils, refusing to meet her gaze. Calm down. If you don’t calm down, you’re going to blow it. This is an opportunity that you’ll never get again, so say the right thing. Just say it – ‘I’m really attracted to you, I think you’re beautiful inside and out, I’d really like to get closer to you – get to know you more.’ It’s stupid and clumsy, it would make Shakespeare wince, but it’s the blunt truth.

I smiled and opened my mouth –

– and looked her full in the eyes, saw her hopes building as I began to speak, knew that no matter how I put it, our feelings were mutual –

“I… don’t know.” I froze, my mouth open, horrified. ‘I don’t know?!’ Where did that come from?! Did that come out of my mouth?!

Her smile vanished in an instant. “Oh.” Her green eyes lost their hopeful glow, and her gaze was cast to the ground – a look I couldn’t stand. Something that looked like a tear was glittering in the corner of her left eye.

I was utterly horrified. I had just blown the most perfect opportunity I had ever had; it had been dropped in my lap and I had screwed it up completely. Now she would think that I didn’t care. But I did. I did. I did, I did, I did, I did, I DID.

She sighed and slowly got to her feet. She looked tired all of a sudden – as though exhausted after a long day. I saw through the layer of forced ease, saw down to her core. She was hurt, her hopes crushed. “I’ll see you around.”

That simple good–bye awakened a fervent desire to rectify the situation and I got to my feet to follow her. “Wait!” I called after her, jumping to my feet, my insides crumbling, melting. I love you…

Did I really? If I did, then why couldn’t I have just said it?

If she had heard me call, she gave no sign of acknowledgement. Instead, she walked away through the trees and disappeared down the trail. Lacking the courage or the words with which to explain, I watched her walk away, then looked down at my hands, feeling lost and miserable inside.

END