A/N: My goodness... I haven't updated any of my stories for... uck! I don't even want to know. I know I'm disappointing those who have been waiting ever-so patiently (not a complaint email, not once! --though, I'm not so sure if it's a good thing or a bad thing...) for a real chapter, and instead is presented with a cruddy play I had written for Creative Writing class. So, my apologies. Please use this as a filler for my other stories which are bound to come back into my brain some time... thanks. ;;

A/N: Oh! and by the way. This is a PLAY, for those of you who skim or just don't read the author's note. Which means it's full of dialogue. Which means it's not exactly in story format. Got it? Good. Don't want massive confusion and WTF's when people start reading this. Enjoy!

The Princess Who was Deemed a Prince

Narrator: Once upon a time, there was a princess named Phyllis whom everybody thought was a prince. There was no real logical explanation why; they just did. The princess couldn’t fathom why they saw her as a man either and looked into the mirror everyday, comparing herself to all the other “normal” women she’d met in her life, wondering just which part of her was manly.

Scene One

Princess Phyllis’s room

Enter princess. She’s staring at herself in the mirror.

Phyllis: I can’t understand how people see me as a man. I have long, flowing girl hair; I wear pink and baby blue and all the other colors applicable as feminine; I wear a DRESS for heaven’s sake! AND I wear nail polish. How girly can I get? (She examines her face)

Phyllis: I don’t have the slightest masculine features; I don’t have a beard or mustache like Aunt Georgene... and last time I checked I am pretty sure I’m a girl. (looks down at her chest) Yes, quite sure. Where does everyone get the idea that I’m a guy? Confound it! (kicks a nearby footstool across the room)

Enter voice from somewhere.

Voice: Well, they’d have to come up with some kind of conclusion at your furniture rearranging method.

Phyllis: Holy Scandalous Stockings! Who said that? Where are you?

Voice: It’s just me, princess. I’m under here. (crawls out from underneath a covered table)

Enter small boy who was the voice.

Phyllis: What the hell do you think you are doing in my room?!

Boy: (dusts himself off) You know, if that’s the way you talk all the time no wonder people don’t think you’re a princess. You fail all the qualities of being ladylike.

Phyllis: How dare you! You come snooping into my room, hide under that table this whole time and have the nerve to tell me if I’m ladylike or not?! Who do you think you are? The King of Jurisdiction?!

Boy: (ignores her and looks around her room in disgust) Ugh... your room is a pigsty! Either you have serious tidiness problems or your attendants aren’t doing their job. (picks up an article of clothing on the ground that looks suspiciously like a corset) You sure this is yours?

Phyllis: (grabs an iron stoker from the fireplace and points it at him) Put that down!

Boy: (hastily drops it) Sorry.

Phyllis: I demand to know what business you have in my room. (sees him trying to edge away but doesn’t let him escape) Now, answer or so help me God I’ll gouge your eyes out!

Boy: Whoa, hold on a second here. Violence doesn’t solve anything now... let’s talk like civilized people. (ducks when she swings the stoker towards his head) Whoa, hold on, hold on! (dodges her attacks around the room) I can explain myself. Hold on!

Phyllis: Then talk you wretched little monster!

Boy: Alright... here’s my excuse: (breathes deeply) I was hiding from my horrendous mother. She’s a witch.

Phyllis: ...that’s not a very nice thing to say about your mother,

Boy: No! I mean a witch witch. A real witch. With broomsticks and potions and magic and all that blatherskite.

Phyllis: Really?

Boy: Really.

Phyllis: ...you must take me for a fool! (starts chasing him, swinging the stoker around) That doesn’t give you the right to hide in my room of all the places in this castle. Why don’t you hide down in the dungeons? I hear it’s the last place any person would look for someone!

Boy: No, wait, (starts dodging the dreaded stoker once again all over the room) It’s the honest to God truth! I swear! Princess, listen to me; I’m also here to help you with your problem. Aaagh! gets cornered, curls himself up into a fetal position on the floor and prepares for a beating

Phyllis: (freezes with the stoker raised over her head) My... problem? You mean, you can help me prove to everyone that I’m a girl besides stripping myself naked?

Boy: Well... no. It’s not in my power to make everyone see you’re really a girl besides stripping you down. I have an idea as to what might be a cause of this, though... I can’t be too sure.

Phyllis: (reluctantly lowers the stoker) What do you mean?

Boy: (starts mumbling to himself) –canbeittheresnobananas around here, AH! I do have a solution in you coping with your predicament however!

Phyllis: (drops the stoker) Oh my goodness, are you for real?

Boy: Yes your highness and I’ll tell you what to do, but as a future potions merchant I’m afraid, the information is too pricey to be free so... I’ll just need a teensy fee from you.

Phyllis: (contemplates about it) Huh... I suppose that’s reasonable enough... and I AM of noble blood... money isn’t a big problem. Well, pray tell what it is you want.

Boy: Oh, nothing much. Just food, shelter and a bottle of tears from an ogre.

Phyllis: What?!

Boy: It’s just a small bottle. See? (holds up a large empty flask)

Phyllis: (stares at the flask in complete utter disbelief) What are you, insane? I can’t just go out there and make some ogre cry! It’s not fit for a princess to do so. (sniffs in disdain)

Boy: (grins widely) Ah... but that is why I have chosen you. You are a one of a kind princess. You are... the chosen one. And guide you, shall I.

Phyllis: Wow, that’s inspiring. Call me again for more motivating lines once I accomplish my life long goal to grow wings and fly off to Neverland. (sits down on a nearby chair and covers her face with her hands) So what am I supposed to do?

Boy: (waggles his finger at her) Ah-ah, I won’t tell you anything unless you completely agree with my terms and swear upon your life that you give me these three things. If not, fine, I’ll just leave you to your misery and let you live your life as it is.

Phyllis: How about I just stick you on the spit and roast you?

Boy: (sighs heavily) I told you, you can’t get everything through violence. Kill me and the information is gone forever. And you can’t torture it out of me either, so don’t bother. Now, will you take it or leave it? (holds out his hand)

Phyllis: (glares at his hand)You realize that if this doesn’t work, I’ll hunt you down to the ends of the earth and slaughter you right?

Boy: Of course. With the way you were going for my head a moment ago I’m very positive you’ll carry out that threat.

Phyllis: Fine. It’s a deal then... whatever your name is. (she shakes his hand reluctantly)

Boy: Just call me Jim.

Phyllis: So, can you tell me what your solution to my problem is now?

Jim: Nope, not until you get me ogre tears, princess.

Phyllis: (sighs dejectedly) And here I am being bossed around by some three year old. I think I’m failing to make out which one of us is the true princess.

Jim: I’m not three! I’m eight for your information, princess. And all the more mature than a certain someone who kicks stools around and threatens people with an ash poker. I’ll meet you tomorrow morning at the front of the palace. We’ll set off right away to the nearest ogre’s den.

Phyllis: Why do you need ogre tears anyway? You starting some strange collection?

Jim: I don’t need it. It’s my mother that needs it. She has a horrible wart problem and heard somewhere that ogre tears were the solution. If I don’t find it in three days, I’d be living with an angry toad for the next ten years.

Phyllis: Lovely. That’s just the kind of image I wanted right before eating my supper.

Jim: Oh, by the by, I have one advice for you to cope with your problem. (looks seriously at her) Be the man you ought to be inside.

Phyllis: ...you can’t be serious.

Jim: Oh, trust me. It’s the only way your parents are ever going to let you out of the palace gates. And if you can’t get out beyond the palace gates, how will you get my ogre tears?

Enter King

King: (suddenly bursts into the room) Son! Are you having some scandalous affair in your room? I heard voices!

Phyllis: (rolls her eyes) Dad, you did it again.

King: (realizes his mistake) Oh, whoops, so sorry about that. (goes back out side, shuts the door, then knocks on it and bursts into the room again) Son! Are you having some scandalous affair in your room?

Phyllis: (looks shocked and disgusted) Ew, NO! He’s a three-year old for crying out loud!

Jim: Hey! I told you, I’m EIGHT!

Phyllis: And for the fifteen-thousand and second time, I’m not your SON!

King: Oh, right, son – er, I mean dear. (looks a little strained in saying “dear”) sorry, I just assumed that you were up to your no-good shenanigans in playing with those dolls of yours...

Phyllis: Dad, I’m a girl. That’s what girls do. At least when I was still a kid...

Jim: (nudges her arm hard and mutters) Remember what I told you...

Enter Queen

Queen: James! Are you eavesdropping on your daughter again? How many times do I have to tell you, to leave her be!

King: I’m sorry snookiebearchums. It’s just that I get worried and bent out of shape sometimes... getting a son who wants to be a girl...

Phyllis: Excuse me?

Jim: (nudges her harder and whispers) Phyllis!

Phyllis: (nudges him back harder and whispers) Can’t I at least savor the last few moments of being a princess? Party pooper.

Kings: I mean, uh, getting a daughter who always gets assumed of being a son...

Queen: (sighs at her husband and shakes her head, then turns to Phyllis) Sweetheart, since we all came here faster than the attendants, I’ll tell you. Supper’s ready.

Phyllis: (clears her throat) Um... Mom? Dad? Since we’re all together and all... I need to talk to you about something.

King: (grimaces) It’s not another one of your spiels about the injustice of mankind in being treated like a man when you ought to be treated like a lady is it?

Phyllis: No, it’s not that.

King: Oh, well, this is certainly a first... carry on then.

Phyllis: I’ve been thinking... breathes deeply and depressingly since me claiming to be a girl... (struggles with her speech) is causing some... problems, I’ve decided (tries to keep her face as straight as she could) ...to mend my ways and become a m...

King and Queen: M?

Phyllis: mmmMMMmm...

King and Queen: mmmmmm?

Phyllis: (squeaks) man.

King: REALLY?! Well crack out the sacramental wine, it’s a CELEBRATION!

Queen: Oh calm yourself James before you rupture another tendon. (turns to Phyllis) Why the sudden change of thought?

Phyllis: Uh... making an ogre cry... sounded extremely appealing to me.

King: Ah yes, the restless youth of heroism. Well then, go out into the unknown world! Have an adventure! Slay the evil ogre! Rescue a princess! Make your father proud of his son. (pushes Phyllis out of the castle and throws a shield and sword at her) Have a great trip! (slams the door shut after her)

Queen: Was that really necessary?

King: Well, (wiggles his eyebrows) now we can finally have some peace and quiet to ourselves... if you know what I mean. (wiggles his eyebrows some more)

Queen: ...nonstop game of backgammon?

King: Exactly what was on my mind!

Scene Two

Outside somewhere, near the nearest ogre

Narrator: And so, Phyllis and Jim set off towards the nearest ogre they could find. Which was over the river and through the woods. Conveniently placed three blocks away from her own castle.

Phyllis: I think my parents were more eager to send me off than I was myself. I feel so loved.

Jim: At least they didn’t make such a big fuss over it. Look, we’re almost there. (points at the direction they’re suppose to go)

Phyllis: You mean that ominous looking castle on top of that hill where the nearest infamous ogre who strikes terror to whomever we could find, resides?

Jim: Yup, that’s the one!

Phyllis: I’m beginning to have real serious doubts about my sanity. What in the world am I doing, trying to make some ogre cry, all for the sake of trying to uphold my title in being a princess.

Jim: Look at it on the bright side. Just say you’re getting in touch with your masculine side in being the hero for once. And by hero, I mean the whole, fight evil things for the princess’s love package.

Phyllis: Wha– who makes up these rules anyway?

Jim: Has anyone ever said that you ask too many questions for your own good? Just read the signs.

Phyllis: What signs?

Jim: Those signs. (points at the numerous wooden signs around them all saying the same thing)

Sign: OGRE THIS WAY — IMPRISONED PRINCESS AT HIGHEST TOWER

Phyllis: Oh beautiful. Advertisements for damsels in distress. (looks at the signs with contempt) I’ve never realized how disgusting commercialism could be until now.

Jim: And here’s where we make a crucial decision. Do we: A) do the mean thing and make the ogre cry only or B) do the heroic thing in making the ogre cry, then save the princess?

Phyllis: Drat it all. If I weren’t such a moral person, I’d just say “Screw the princess” and leave.

Jim: Aww... see? Your heroic, masculine nature does come in handy.

Phyllis: Remember that I have a sword in my hand.

Jim: Right. Shutting up.

(they approach the huge door to the ominous castle, push it open, and enter)

Phyllis: Well, place looks empty.

Enter ogre.

Ogre: (jumps out of nowhere) RAWR!

Phyllis: Gah! drops her sword and shield

(sword and shield both land on ogre’s feet)

Ogre: Ouchies! Boohoo. This is why I didn’t want this job. Humans are dangerous things. I thought the princess was bad enough but you’re even worse. (sobs)

Jim: (starts collecting the ogre’s tears) Don’t mind me.

Phyllis: Er... so where’s the princess?

Ogre: Up in her room sulking. She’s the most ugliest princess I ever set my eyes on. Just thinking about her scares me to tears. cries even harder When I got this job I didn’t think I would be abused so much... but now look. My toe is as big as my head now! Boohoohoo

Jim: This is great. I got a full flask! You’re better than I imagined.

Ogre: Really?

Jim: Not you, her.

Ogre: “Her?” (swings his massive head toward Phyllis) I thought he was a man! (stares at Phyllis) What is this world coming to?! Princes are wearing skirts and looking like princesses now? I’m so confused! I can’t take it anymore! (runs away sobbing whilst bashing away a few marble pillars)

Phyllis: This is getting old. Even I’m starting to doubt if I’m a guy or not. Let’s just go get the princess and leave.

Jim: Alrighty then. I’m curious to see just how ugly this girl is.

Scene Three

Up in the highest tower in the highest room

Narrator: After climbing up the almost endless stairs...

Phyllis: (breathes hard) What is it with princesses always being in the highest room of the highest tower? A much more sensible place to be in is a room on ground level. Prince Charming would die of exhaustion before even reaching the room where the princess is.

Jim: (crawling on the ground from exhaustion) Totally... agree... (wheezes)

Phyllis: (knocks on the door to the room) Hello? Princess whoever you are, we’ve come to rescue you.

Princess: (in a strange muffled voice) Go away. And DON’T call me princess.

Phyllis: What?

Princess: Didn’t you hear me? I said, “Go away.”

Phyllis: I heard you the first time you ninny, what I meant was, “Don’t you want to be rescued?”

Princess: No.

Phyllis: So basically, what you’re telling me is that even though we took all the pains in the world to climb up those damn steps of yours only to be sent back down again by an insolent, sulking little girl?

Princess: Looks like it.

Phyllis: The hell I am! I’m coming in,

Princess: Don’t come in, I’m naked!

Jim: Goodness gracious, don’t open the door! Looking at an ugly girl is one thing, but a naked ugly girl is a whole other ball game here. There’s that potential harm in getting the gruesome image burned forever in the inside of my eyelids.

Phyllis: (hits her forehead and rolls her eyes) This is ridiculous. Close your eyes Jim, I’m going in.

Princess: This is an outrage! An invasion of privacy! Do you have no moral values, you pervert?!

Phyllis: (enters room) If I didn’t have any moral values, I wouldn’t have climbed those stairs and put up with this crap.

There’s a huge mound of blankets on a bed, in an otherwise, empty room.

Phyllis: (starts addressing to the mound) Come on princess, I haven’t got all day.

Princess: Then leave!

Phyllis: No way! No WAY I’m going back down those stairs empty handed! I’ll get you down there kicking and screaming if I have to.

Princess: What kind of prince are you? You’re suppose to be charming, debonair and most of all, polite to ladies. Instead you– (she stares at Phyllis) Wait, you... you’re...

Phyllis: What? What is it?

Princess: You’re wearing a skirt... and nail polish... and long hair... ooh, and a veeery nicely proportioned figure...

Phyllis: (gets completely creeped out) Ugh...and you, young lady with brilliant observational skills, are getting out from under those blankets and coming down with me whether you like it or not. (goes over and pulls all the blankets and quilts that were covering the princess off)

Princess: AAAAAGGGGHHH!

Phyllis: AAAAAAGGGHHH!

Jim: (just entered the room) AAAAAAGGGHHH! I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT WE’RE SCREAMING AB– (finds the reason as soon as he sets eyes on the “princess” and resumes screaming) AAAAAAAAAUUUGGGGHHHHH!!!!

Jim: Dear God you ARE ugly!

Phyllis: (she points at “the princess” accusingly) You’re a MAN!

Princess(?): (he points back at her accusingly) Holy crap, you’re a girl! I thought you were Prince Charming!

Jim: (stares at the so-called princess openly) Dude, you got serious issues. What’s with the lipstick and dress? Wait, actually... yeah, I can see what you’re trying to state. Freedom from stereotype right?

Phyllis: (ignores Jim) What are you doing here? Where’s the princess?

Princess: That’s the thing, I am the princess.

Phyllis and Jim: What?!

Phyllis: I need to sit down.

Princess: My name is Andre and I used to be a prince but strangely, everyone gets this bizarre notion that I’m a girl when I am one hundred percent of the male gender. Even my parents were convinced that I was a girl somehow and made me wear this dress, sent me off to this abandoned castle, hired a ogre to be my kidnapper/guardian – so I wouldn’t run off – and told me that I couldn’t move from this spot until my “prince charming” arrives.

Jim: (blows a long whistle) I thought Phyll over there had the most terrible identity crisis, but you, my friend, proved me wrong.

Andre: What does he mean?

Phyllis: Uh, let’s just say that we’re kinda in the same boat. I’m really a princess but everyone thinks I’m a prince.

Andre: Huh, well isn’t that something.

(both Phyllis and Andre sigh)

Jim: Hey, but that works doesn’t it?

Phyllis: What does?

Jim: You two! You’re probably destined together! Maybe that’s why you’re both having identity problems; so you could meet each other!

Phyllis: Jim, we just met each other. Can you be a little bit more realistic?

Jim: Oh loosen up Phyll. He’s probably the only guy who’ll ever understand your situation.

Phyllis: Stop calling me Phyll. He’s only known me for ten minutes, if that. I’m just not going to drop everything and suddenly decide to marry him just because we have the same predicament like some sappy little fairy tale. I’ll marry whomever and whenever I choose because it’s my life. I’m not going to let those around me decide what to do and what to think just because it seems right.

Andre: “He”’s right here you know.

Phyllis: I’m really sorry Andre but honestly, we barely even know each other. The idea of marriage is just ridiculous at this point.

Andre: It’s okay, I understand. (still looks a little dejected though)

Jim: (stamps his foot in anger and frustration) I can’t believe you! You’re such a hypocrite Princess Phyllis! A walking, talking, eating, living contradiction! If you’re such an independent thinker then tell me, why do you care so much about how others think you’re a guy? You even agreed to battle an ogre for the solution to deal with how everyone looks at you.

Phyllis: So what? What do you know about my problems? You don’t understand how it feels like, to be always deemed as something you never were or will be. You don’t understand how it feels when your own people are always disappointed at something you could never fix. You don’t understand me at all!

Jim: Yeah, but he does. (points at Andre)

(Phyllis says nothing and glares at the ground)

Andre: So what do you suggest we do?

Jim: (rolls his eyes) Duh, kiss for starters. And then start a relationship.

Phyllis: That’s the lamest thing that’s come out of your mouth by far.

Jim: Fine! Be that way! I’ll be waiting downstairs you nincompoop! (stomps off)

Andre: You really shouldn’t be so hard on him. He was only trying to help.

Phyllis: Oh, do be quiet you.

Andre: (sighs then grins) Well, since you obviously won’t make the first move, I will. (kisses her)

Phyllis: (thunderstruck) uh...

Andre: I’m all for the relationships thing but if you don’t...

Phyllis: Oh, uh, I’m okay about it too, now,I guess. I just...

Andre: You just?

Phyllis: It's just the idea of going out with someone who wore the same lipstick color and dress style as my Aunt Georgene doesn't really appeal to me...that and being kissed by one too.

Andre: (laughs) I guess it’s too late for that one.

Phyllis: Yeah... (then kisses him surprising them both)

Jim: (enters room) Phyll, I just wanted apolo– egads! I leave the room for five minutes and you people are already all over each other. Gross.

Phyllis: JIM!

Narrator:

And so Princess Phyllis and Prince Andre lived happily ever after. They still deal with people thinking it’s Prince Phyllis and Princess Andre but they love each other and love conquers all, so it doesn’t matter. In the end, Princess Phyllis never learned what exactly was Jim’s solution. Actually, Jim didn’t know what the solution was either. He’d been making up the whole thing.

And karma must've worked its way around as Jim was on his way to his home when he slipped, fell and broke his precious bottle of ogre tears. His mother who really looked like a toad nowadays, never let him forget about it. Whether ogre tears really cure warts is still a mystery yet to be solved. The ogre that had given most of his tears to Jim never recovered from his trauma and choked to death on a sugarcube.

EXEUNT

(I have no idea what this means but it was at the end of Shakespeare’s plays – at least, in Macbeth)

A/N: Sorry about the action sequence stuff. I originally put brackets around the parts where the characters were suppose to act and not say but FictionPress apparently does not like brackets and deletes them every time I frickin try to put them in. So I used (these). Hope it’s not too distracting. Read and Review! ;D