Author: DrowningFire PM
A story of a very troubled young man who has some personality disorders.Rated: Fiction T - English - Suspense/Tragedy - Words: 2,223 - Reviews: 1 - Published: 11-29-05 - id: 2059524
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My name is Louis I am a 17 year old and I know that I am going insane. Over the years I have visited more doctors than you can ever imagine, I have severe mental disorders. I get constant headaches, I have panic attacks and sometimes I forget things that I have apparently done already.
I have recently moved to the city I currently reside in. My family moves every year anyway, they are trying to protect me from the world. Well they are really trying to protect me from the rude people who are afraid of me and think of me a monster and blame me for things that I didn't do or at least I think that I didn't do. The people in the city we used to live in blamed me for setting an old abandoned warehouse on fire, I didn't even though I was tried and found not guilty, but I still had to go to an institution for a month to make sure I was still sane. So now I am in a new city with people who know nothing about me, and I hope they never will.
I am starting school tomorrow. I will be a senior at a school named Stoker High School. It's a pretty nice place, rather large compared to my previous high school but that is even better. It's easier to hide in a large school and people don't know as much about you. I took a tour of the building during the summer. My only hope is that I can remember where all my class rooms are. I never have had many friends and I hope that in such a large high school I might be able to find someone kind of like me. All I want is to get through this school year incident free, and then I can start my life as a writer and never attend another school in my life.
The morning of the first day of school I woke up with one the worst panic attacks I have ever had. Well it happens every year when school starts; new places scare me since I am a bit of an agoraphobic. I hate school in general, the stupid teachers, crowded halls, and annoying students who are afraid of me or make fun of me. My first class is English, my favorite subject and I am surprised to find that I actually like my teacher and another student who will actually talk to me. Her name is Lauren, she is a very nice girl she didn't even judge me like most people do. I suppose that people are afraid of me since I am always the "new kid" and I guess the scowl that I always wear on my face isn't that inviting but I really don't want to talk to most people, but Lauren was different. Finally I have found someone out of millions who are against me. Finally someone who isn't as naïve as the rest of the world, who isn't superficial, and is understanding of my somewhat erratic ways. The only thing that bothers me is that I am having gaps in my memory again
The next day I was quite surprised when I remembered where all my classes were located, though I will never forget English class I enjoy it too much to forget. I was rather calm this morning it was very nice I hope I am improving and I can come out of my depressive state. I was excited to see that girl again. What was her name? I am losing it again. I must calm down. Its ok lots of people have problems with names maybe she won't get angry. I really like her she doesn't make fun of me or is stuck up; I hope I remember her name soon. What if she starts to talk to me? What am I going to do? I wish I hadn't forgot her name someone as special as her I shouldn't forget her name, or anything about her. In my head I hear a voice as if someone was talking it said "Lauren." I have heard that voice before and it is not a good sign, it was very frightening, though I cannot remember where I had heard it before.
Wednesday was okay, school went along great and I didn't forget Lauren's name. Things are almost normal, the voice hadn't returned since that time yesterday. I hate it when I am hearing voices. That's when I know I am losing my sanity. Right as I thought of this I heard the eerie voice again. "Everyone is out to get you, they know that you are losing it, Lauren knows too." I hate it, I hate that voice it is evil. During English the voice has subsided, but after that it was all down hill, it kept saying horrendous things about Lauren, things I cannot bring myself to repeat.
Friday I have to go to the doctor well the physiologist. I hate going there as well. They always tell me things I already know. I cannot help that I have manic depression its sort of a normal teenage thing except my case is a bit more severe. "You don't need to live, just kill yourself and get it over with." I am a little anti-social but that goes along with my agoraphobia, I just don't want to put myself in public places were embarrassment is possible. "You are too unstable to be around normal people." I also don't want to hurt anyone I get over dramatic and harm myself sometimes or the people around me and I don't want anything to happen to anybody. I would never intentionally hurt an innocent person, that's why I save myself from them. The only thing I didn't talk to my doctor was the voice in my head. They don't need another excuse to try and put me away again or to give me a new pill. I can feel my mind going in a downward spiral to insanity; it is all because of that ever present voice that is haunting me.
The voice is always with me now, adding its horrific comments whenever it pleases. I have gotten used to the comments and I try to ignore them. But I had Lauren over on Saturday to watch movies together. At first I thought the voice was going to leave me alone while I was in her presence has it has before but then I heard it again. "She would be better off with out you. You will kill her in the end." That was all I could take, I screamed at the voice to leave me alone, and that I had never done anything for it to be haunting me. I know I scared her at first but I think she understood. I started to cry because I don't know what is wrong with me. I told her I was falling apart and about the haunting voice. She took me into her arms and told me that everything would be alright and that she would always be there for me. After our movie ended I told her that I appreciated her kindness and I wished her to stay longer but I was tired and needed rest. She told me to call her if I needed her and I went to bed hoping to get some sleep and to get away from my nightmarish world, but the opposite happened.
"Go to school, tear it apart, tear the world apart." I couldn't stop myself I went to the school and vandalized it; I broke things, scattered papers, and spray painted horrible words on the building. Then I went home and back to bed.
This morning I woke up with a horrible headache and spray paint on my clothes, I don't know where I have got it from. This means that I have forgotten something. I am afraid of what I have done. When I arrived at school on Monday and my question to the spray paint on my clothing from the Saturday night before was answered. I saw the destruction I had caused. I am slipping down the spiral faster now.
Aweek into the school year and I had already done something horrible. I don't remember doing it. I am afraid someone is going to find out that I did it, some evidence that I was the one who vandalized the school. "They don't know it was you. They never will." That horrible voice interjected into my thoughts.I will kill myself, if I continue to hear that voice, I will literally go insane. I am not going to an institution again; I will kill myself before that.
School was horrible all I could think about was what I had done. I was sick and having a massive panic attack by the time school was out. I got on the bus and hoped it would get me home quickly. I needed to take a nap and calm down, but it got even worse. I dreamed about the previous town I had lived in. I could see myself walking to the old warehouse that burnt down. I heard the voice, "burn it down." I could see the gasoline can in my hands. I desperately tried to wake up, but I was trapped in my own mind. I was stuck watching a zombie like figure of myself pour gasoline all over that warehouse. I saw the match, I saw myself lighting it and I saw the flames ignite. Finally I woke up with a start. I realized that I had burned that building down, and I wondered how many other horrific things I had done without ever knowing it.
The voice had been there all along, but now it talks when I have full conciseness. I cannot let anymore terrible things happen again. I put locks on my door so I could not escape my room and I hid the keys in places I would find them in the morning, so I could not escape my room while sleeping. I told Lauren about what I had done to the school and what I had done in the other town and how I thought that I might have had done other horrible acts and I have forgotten them. I told her that she needed to protect the world from me. The next day we skipped school together and she stayed to comfort me, she promised to try and stop my deeds and that she was still going to be my friend no matter what I did.
A week passed by the voice talks almost non stop, always suggesting more bad things for me to do. Even with all my door locks I still got out and broke all the windows in a neighbor's house. I have probably done more horrific things but I cannot remember them. I cannot stop myself anymore. The voice tells me of how pitiful I am, how disgraceful I am to my family and how I shouldn't live anymore.—the voice is right. I am hindering every person that I come in contact with. I think I need to go before it's too late.
I called Lauren to tell her what I needed to do. I told her not to worry and it was for the best, I never want to hurt her or anyone else so I must go. I told her I was saving her life and she should be happy and move on with her life. I kept rambling on and on hysterically about everything I could think of. She was confused by the end, I had done this before and she worried about me and came over to make sure that I didn't harm myself but this time I won't give her enough time to get over here to save me. She told me to calm down and that I shouldn't do anything stupid and she would be there as soon as possible. For once she didn't understand that she couldn't stop me, right before I hung up I told her I loved her. I had to save her from my insanity. I looked at the gun in my hand. I started to pull the trigger.
I woke up in the hospital. Lauren had found me; I passed out and didn't end up shooting myself. She had saved me, if she hadn't found me before I woke up I would have tried again and I would have made sure I succeeded. She said that she loved me too much and that she was glad that I had not gone through with killing myself because there are always ways to deal with your problems. She knew that I hated doctors and she didn't tell them what had happened except that I had passed out. So I decided that death was not a proper way to solve things. I guess I will just live with the voice for as long as I can.