Small, but not the smallest

On that most horrible and wonderful thing that we every let in our hearts, life.

I had to write this in response to some of the story I have read recently, there's a lot of hurt on these pages, and I don't mean to belittle your pain, I just want you read this and not do anything for those 5 minutes, ok, not long, hopefully you might feel a little better at the end, maybe I just annoy you. Anyway I wrote it to Meatloaf's 'Bat out of hell' somehow seemed appropriate. And thanks to my reviewers, all 3 of you.

Young boy lies in a hospital bed, he has a nine inch gash in his leg, and a bone had been protruding from it the day before. He had received his injury from walking out in front of a speeding car. He did so on purpose. He just can't tell anyone that.

He has morphine drip that keeps him in a twilight that is between consciousness and screaming in the worse agony that you can feel, supposedly. He lies in quiet and relativity solitude. He lies silently on one end of the ward, all the other kids shy away from him. Till one day, there is an accident and the hospital overflows with the injured. The sick are huddled together in one place. An old man condemned by heart disease is placed on the bed, next to him. The boy is lucid, the old man is asleep. Neither one though can truly be described as conscious or unconscious. Both are trapped within they own collective plane of consciousness. When the man awoke he looked across to see his son reading a book in the bed next to him. He knew it was his son, despite not having seen him since birth. He could recognise his own flesh and was they conversed briefly before the boy passed out from his pain again.

A number of days later the father and son were both awake again and spoke, the father however could not tell his son who he was. This is however what he did say to his son.

'I pray. I don't believe in God, at least I don't think I do.'

'What do you pray for?'

'Strength usually, i need a lot. My hearts weak.'

'How do you mean?'

'You know Physical, spiritually? You give in to temptation a lot?'

'I’m in a hospital; i think you can figure it out.'

'I didn't mean anything by it.'

'Son, no-one ever means anything afterwards, but you can be damn sure they meant, what they said, when they said it. Don’t be like that; you should never regret anything you say.'

'Even if i hurt people? Even if i drive everyone a way? Honest is the best policy for kids, it doesn't work in the real world.'

'Real world? You tried to kill yourself didn't you?'

The son is silent, he doesn't need to say anything. He never will learn to lie.

'You have to redeem? Yourself.'

'I know that, i just; it feels like i can't reach. That every one is a million miles away but at the same time they are right next to me. And i can see them, i can hear them laugh, but there forever beyond my reach. I can run and run forever but my legs are too small, to carry me all the way. I fall and i stumble.'

'Is that why your here? You felt lost? You felt alone?'

'I just couldn't handle my life, it was too much.'

'Life's never too much; boy you are truly young, if you think that life's too much. No, no, no, it's hardly ever enough.'

'You would say that, your dying, heart disease, right?'

'How did you know that?'

'I read a lot of books, only thing in my life.'

'Don't have any friends or a social life. Figure your never going to get laid ever, (laughs)'

'It's not that funny.'

'You’re a doctor? A doctor in the making? And you think your life is worthless?'

'No i just, it's too much out there for me, i like my little morphine drip here, and it’s good.'

'Your parents and teachers would not approve of you using such a simple word as good, do they?'

'In a nut shell.'

(Laughs)

'I don't get it. What's so fun? This is my life.'

(Laughs louder)

''You have never heard that story have you?'

'What story?'

'Your story! (Laughs)'

'My story? Maybe you need to have your morphine turned down a couple of pegs old man.'

'You can't honestly believe that you’re alone in this? Can you? Have teenagers become so arrogant to think that your completely alone in the world?!'

'Well, people are more detached now days, no church, giant TV and porn on the net anytime of day. Too much fun indoors i suppose.'

'That maybe all well and true, but that's no excuse for not having heard a good story like yours.'

It all begins one day in June about anywhere from a 100 minutes ago to a 100,000 years, the story and events are always the same, the only thing that changes is the name we give it. Now it's called a suicide at one point it was probably deemed a necessary population control measure and in not to long in the future it will be consider such a thing again.

Any way, this young person, we will use the word teenage for now. Is told by the other teenagers who are all equally miserable with life that he has to die to release himself from his pain. So the boy obliged and took his own life in a manner that seemed fitting. Unfortunately suicide, as it turns out is something, like all things in life. Requires some practice to get right. He lived and grows up away from his friends completely alone. Till one day he woke up and believed in himself. Become what we now call a doctor of some description, before now there were called shaman, Medicine men, Witchdoctors, Healers. He healed the sick for all his day and smiled to himself every time he cheated Death of an innocent life.

Till one day when they came in, a friend from a long time ago. And bring them in to rest, was all the doctor’s demons and problems from his childhood. And when the demons saw the doctor and what he had become, they become furious and attacked the doctor.

But the doctor was strong now, he had beaten death itself and he gave his childhood demons, little thought or concern. And his problems did not disappear, but simply cease to be, before him, withering and dying, were far to good a fate to be considered worthy of such insufficient concern. They just simple went. Although he did not smile with its defeat as smiling would be unimportant, as he does not enjoy others death. Even that of old demons from childhood…

He tended to his long lost friend, his friend smiled and thanked the doctor, he apologised for convince the doctor to kill himself when he was younger. After his friend had healed and was about to return to where ever it is friends stay when they are not with us. But something troubled his friend so he asked the doctor a question before he left.

'How did you defeat your problems? When you were a child you ran into the arms of death to escape them, how could you of become so strong.'

And this is what the doctor said to his friend. 'With time comes patience’s and understanding, with healing comes reason and wisdom. And by following a dream, even if it is not you own, not your greatest or even a pains you to follow. You gain courage. And with courage comes the strength to endure anything. And the greatest gift that you can give to yourself is to hold on when you want to let go.

'Sounds like Walt Disney crap. condescending and all. Not from the good book though.'

'No just thought it was nice though.'

'Who wrote it?'

'No-one that mattered, just someone who spoke because they had a voice. And that's the moral isn't it; you never know when you may get to speak, when people may need you. When the world will want your voice in it, just because it's your voice, and no-one else’s.’

Well there you go send me any message you like, I don't care whether you loved it or hated. At least your still here 10 minutes later. I think that's important, 10 minutes isn't much, but its better then 10 minutes less.

The greatest gift that you can give to yourself is to smile. When you have nothing to smile about.