Can’t stop loving you

By: K

So much noise.

Memories are floating before my eyes. So many things happened. And now, so little time…

On our way to the train station. The silence is frustrating as well as reassuring. Should I break it?

The ticket in your pocket, the suitcase in your hand… Why do you have to go? I don’t want you to.

You said you would never leave me. That you would always stay by my side… What made you change your mind? What did I do wrong? Why are you going?

I’m not going to stop you. I know I can’t…

I’m not going to beg. I still have my pride.

Later, when you think back at this day, you’ll not know how I felt when you said goodbye. You’ll never know how lonely and afraid you leave me. You’ll never know…

I’m holding back my tears. You’re not allowed to see them. I won’t show you how much it hurts. How much you’ve just hurt me. My eyes have lost their shine, but you won’t see it. You never see.

I can whisper softly, things you’re not meant to hear. And you won’t hear it, because you never listen anyway…

I softly shake my head. I should have known it wasn’t going to last… Like they say in a song: ‘You’re dreams are never free…’ I don’t know why, but it fits. That sentence, it matches my situation.

You turn to face me. Is that a worried look in your eyes? No. You’ve never worried for me… Never. Not once.

“I’m fine. Everything is going to be alright.”

You smile. I just walk further. You next to me. Perhaps for the very last time.

You believe it… Well, my mother always used to say I was good at pretending. And you will never know that I was lying.

I’ll never understand why I love you so much… You’ve hurted me so many times… And yet I love you so much that it tears me up inside.

All I ask of you is to try a little bit harder, to give just a little bit more. But you won’t understand that it is love I’m fighting for…

You’ve never understood that I just wanted you to hold me. Not say anything, just hold me close to you.

You never did.

I know that, no matter how far away you are, I’ll always love you. But I also know that I’ll be nothing more than a fading memory to you.

The train is ready to leave. You get in. Sitting before the window you give me a small smile and a little wave of your hand. Did I ever mean something to you?

“Goodbye…”

The whistle blows and I walk away. And you’ll never know that I’m crying.

I hate you! For hurting me. For betraying me.

And I hate myself. For still loving you. For knowing that I’ll always be there for you. For knowing that I’ll always wait for you…

Tears are filling my heart. Although I know they have no place there. But I can’t help it.

I never wanted to say goodbye. And yet, I did.

The end.