Chapter Sixteen:

A/N: I know, I’m horrible. Ironically, this is the product of having too many assignments and also of getting sick so I took the day off uni today, even though I now have about 3 lectures and a tutorial to make up. I hope you enjoy.

Chapter Sixteen: More or Less Friends?

I walked aimlessly up to my bedroom, dropped my bag on the floor, and then fell onto my bed with a muted thump. I stared at the ceiling for a few moments and then had an out of body experience.

Well, kind of.

It wasn’t like a part of myself left my body and slowly hovered creepily over it. But my mind gradually felt disconnected from the rest of me, so that it felt like I was watching myself lie there. It felt rather pleasant, to be honest, because it had a calming effect. Instead of freaking out about what I thought Dylan might have possibly told me, my mind was relatively quiet.

And it stayed that way for the better part of an hour before my cell phone rang shrilly from within my bag, jarring me back into reality.

I searched for my phone and upon finding it in a side pocket, put it to my ear.

“Hello?”

“Hey, it’s me. I’m bringing Indiana Jones, I’ll be there soon.” Ally’s voice came through before she hung up abruptly, leaving me with no time to reply.

Half an hour later, we were camped in the living room on the couch with a huge bowl of popcorn sitting between us. Indy was in the middle of escaping from poison-dart-shooting natives.

“So, me and Dylan have broken up, you know.” Ally commented.

I tore my eyes from the screen to glance at her for a second before resting them back on Harrison Ford. “I figured.”

After another minute or so, she spoke again. “So that means the path is clear for you to declare your undying love for him and/or jump his bones.”

At this revelation, I choked quite painfully on my mouthful of popcorn. Once I had safely coughed it all up, I stared at Ally through watery eyes. “Excuse me?”

She rolled her eyes. “Dylan told me what he told you in the car, and I’ve been here exactly 34 minutes and you have yet to bring it up, which in Riley talk means that you’re confused and avoiding the problem, which means that you don’t not like him back.”

I felt like I’d choked on some more popcorn after that mutilation of common sense. “Ally talk is obviously even less intelligible than Riley talk.”

Ally stuck out her tongue. “You know what I mean.”

“Uh, no, actually I have no idea what the hell you just said.”

She sighed huffily. “Sometimes I think you’re the dumbest person ever.”

“Gee, thanks,” I said sarcastically. “Are you gonna jump Jared’s bones now?”

She sniffed haughtily and didn’t say anything.

“Hypocrite,” I muttered, smiling slightly.

“Fine. As a matter of fact, yes I am.”

I turned to look at her, surprised and not to mention mildly disgusted. “Ew.”

Ally shrugged. “You asked.”

“Yeah, but…ugh whatever. Let’s just watch the movie.”

Instead, Ally grabbed the remote and pressed the pause button.

“Hey! I am so about to revoke your status as favorite cousin.”

“Oh, what a tragedy. Riley, we are going to talk about this like two normal people, even if it means we sit here all night and you get no sleep and suck horribly tomorrow and let your whole team down.”

I stared at her critically. “Are you nervous or something? You’re either thinking in run on sentences or you’re just plain babbling. It’s all very melodramatic.”

“Be quiet. We are not here to talk about how nervous I am about seeing Jared tomorrow.”

I thought about seeing Dylan tomorrow and my stomach lurched. I made a queasy noise and Ally smiled understandingly.

“See?” She patted my hand. “You are a real girl.”

I raised my eyebrows. “What does that mean? I swear, it’s like you’re talking in code or something.”

“Dylan likes you, Riley. He really, really likes you.” Ally looked at me, and I noticed that I had started unconsciously squirming at her words. “And it freaks you out and you don’t know what to think. Welcome to girl world,” she finished dryly.

“When can I leave?” I joked weakly.

Ally sighed. “Let’s pretend you’re not you for the next couple minutes. The alternative universe Riley is capable of talking about her feelings. Let’s see those acting skills, cousin.”

I rolled my eyes at her theatrics, but then I thought about what she had said and decided to give it a try. “Okay, I think I’m in a sufficiently emotional state.”

“This is silly, but whatever. I think the most important question is, obviously, how do you feel about Dylan?”

“Ugh.” I wrinkled my nose. “Can I pass? Ask me another one.”

“Riley!” Ally almost growled.

“Okay, okay,” I sighed. How did I feel about Dylan?

“I’ve always seen him as just a really good friend,” I began. “I’ve never thought of him as anything but that. It’s just never crossed my mind.”

“Okay. That’s a good start. Do you see him like you see Jared then?” Ally questioned.

I paused. “No. Wow, that’s kind of weird. I…” I trailed off, then shook my head. “No, I’ve definitely never seen them in the same way. Jared is just…Jared.”

“So you’re not attracted to him?”

I laughed. “This is starting to seem like an interrogation. No, I’m not interested in your crush, Ally.”

“Shut up, I was so not doing that,” she replied, but looked a little shamefaced anyway. “This is about you, not me. Let’s get down to the dirty details. Are you attracted to Dylan?”

At her question, and upon thinking about the guy in question, I felt my whole body tingle for a few moments before the feeling dissipated.

Ally must have seen something in my face, because the next second she was exclaiming, “Oh my god, you just got the shivery feeling, didn’t you? Ooh, dirty! This is so great!” By the end she was practically squealing.

And by that point I was starting to feel my face burn up. I put my hands to my cheeks in an attempt to cool my skin down. “This is not great, Ally. I don’t want to be attracted to a friend. Attraction complicates everything. Look at your love life.”

The last comment came out a little harshly, but Ally took it in her stride. “I know. My love life is definitely not the best example. And come to think of it, you really shouldn’t take Dylan’s as an example either. Having ‘played the field’ or whatever you want to call it, we’re both kind of envious of you and Jared for not messing around with dating and everything. You’ve got to be just about the most naïve person I know, Riley, but in a good way. I think it’s partly why Dylan likes you so much. You don’t play games, you wouldn’t even know where to start.”

“Thanks, I think.”

“And I also think your naivety is slowly driving him insane.” Ally laughed. “Poor guy.”

“Now you’re making me feel guilty,” I muttered.

She shook her head. “Don’t feel guilty. Sometimes if you see somebody in one way, they sort of get stuck that way in your head. Does that make sense? You’ve seen Dylan as just a friend for so long, you automatically ignored anything that didn’t seem to fit in the ‘friend’ category.”

“God.” The impact of the entire situation was starting to dawn on me. “How long has he felt this way? How long have I been totally oblivious? Oh man, I hope he didn’t think I was playing hard to get. I don’t even know how to play—”

I was interrupted by Ally laughing again. “You should give him more credit. If there’s one thing Dylan knows, its girls, and I’m pretty sure he knows you better than any other girl out there. God knows he’s had enough time to get used to your total strangeness.”

I blushed slightly at this obvious reference to how much attention Dylan pays to me. And I realized then, I liked his attention. I liked knowing that when I said something to him, he was entirely concentrated on me. I liked it when he looked for my presence in the hallway before classes began and when he sought my gaze out from across the room. I even liked it when he teased me, because he never talked to anyone else that way. I liked that he had never let me down, not even once.

“Oh.” I closed my eyes. Realization is the oddest feeling. I wasn’t quite sure how something entirely mental could have such a physical effect on me. The tingles were on full on overdrive and I couldn’t stop myself from smiling like an insane person.

I opened my eyes and saw that Ally was also smiling, except rather smugly. “You like him, don’t you? Say it.”

I felt an almost uncontrollable urge to giggle, but thankfully held it down. But that couldn’t wipe the smile off my face to save my life though. “I think…I might.”

Then my smile abruptly fell.

“What is it?”

“Fuck.”

“Riley, what’s wrong?” Ally sounded worried now.

I looked straight at her. “Fuckety fuck. What the hell do I do now?”

Ally slapped my arm. “Don’t do that. I thought something was seriously wrong.”

“Ally!” My voice came out high pitched, in what I was learning might well be my ‘freaked out’ voice. “This is serious. We’re not in an alternative universe, and this universe’s Riley is pretty much afraid of girl world and boy world and worlds and oh my god.” I shut my mouth.

Ally looked at me critically. “This is fascinating. You’ve gone all white. Well, as white as someone with your tan can get.”

I felt like shaking my idiotic cousin. “You can’t just drop a bombshell on me and then leave me stranded like this.”

“I didn’t drop a bombshell on you, you came to that realization entirely on your own. Okay, maybe with a bit of nudging in the right direction, but pretty much like more than half way by yourself.”

“Oh, shut your face.”

Ally sighed. “You’re about two seconds away from going into Riley’s Danger Mode of Distress and Denial. Dylan isn’t the only person who knows you well. I’m your cousin, I’ve known you all your life, do not shut this out. I am telling you to deal with it, and you will.”

That actually brought my dithering to a halt. “Wow. I didn’t know you could be so authoritative.”

“Blame it on student council,” she waved her hand absentmindedly. “Don’t push this away.”

I breathed in deeply and then let the air out with a whoosh. “Ally, I don’t even know what it feels like to like somebody though. How do I know what I’m feeling is really what I’m feeling?”

Ally looked blankly at me. “I think I get what you’re trying to say. You don’t know how to distinguish between friends and more than friends because you don’t know what more than friends is like. Let’s try this. Imagine Dylan taking you out for a date, or holding your hand, or giving you a kiss. Can you imagine that?”

I flushed. “Yes.”

“Now imagine doing those things with…Aaron. Or Jared. Or any of the guys you usually hang out with. Any difference?” Ally asked expectantly.

“I don’t feel anything when I think about them. Besides how totally awkward it would be to go on a date with any of them.”

“And what about with Dylan?”

“That might be…alright, I guess…” I trailed off, feeling oddly embarrassed. “Oh god, and scary too. What if I did something wrong? I don’t know how dates work. Am I supposed to kiss him goodnight at the end? Or is the first date too early for that?”

“Important philosophical questions,” Ally said somberly and then cracked a smile. “This is so cute, you’re like Drew Barrymore in Never Been Kissed.”

“Yeah right, Dylan is way better looking than Michael Vartan.”

There was silence and then I asked, “Did I really say that out loud?” and all the anxiety I felt disappeared when we started laughing.

Once we had sobered up, Ally said, “Come on, let’s get back to the movie. We need you well rested so you can kick ass tomorrow. Oh and Riley?”

“Yeah?”

“Don’t avoid Dylan tomorrow. I know you’ll want to, so just ignore the ‘flight’ instinct. You have to fight sometimes.”

“You want me to fight Dylan?” I said cheekily.

“Shut up, you know what I mean. Watch the damn movie.”

Unsurprisingly, in the light of Saturday morning, everything seemed less clear, including the weather. I did not often put much stock in seemingly miraculous revelations. That morning as I lay in bed, the evening before seemed more like something from a dream. Or as Ally had put it, an alternative universe. But was I just chickening out? Looking for an excuse not to face up to my feelings? Or was I in fact correct that, in hindsight, my confession was merely the result of Ally’s persuasive nudging?

It was doing my head in, and the last thing I needed before facing Edgecombe was to be off away with the faeries.

To top it all off, I had slept badly last night after Ally left to go home. I had been torn between a sense of excitement on the one hand, for the tournament and for realizing that I might have feelings for Dylan, and on the other hand, a sick to my stomach feeling over how I would perform in the matches and what I would do when I saw Dylan. Unfortunately, it seemed that over the course of my tossing and turning during the night, the anxiety had won and was now stirring up unsettling doubt in my mind. The only benefit of this anxiety that I could see was that it helped dispel any fatigue I might have felt by keeping me almost painfully alert to everything.

At that moment, Kyle opened my door and poked his head through. “Time to get up, champ.” He was about to shut the door again, but he paused to take another look at me. “You don’t look very good. Are you sick?”

I shook my head. “I’m fine.”

“Alright. Well Dad’s making scrambled eggs so you better get down before yours get cold.”

With that incentive, I got dressed quickly and gathered my gear to go downstairs for breakfast. However, faced with a plate of toast and eggs, I had to practically force myself to get the food down. The adrenalin pumping through my body was making me feel slightly sick, but I knew I would need the energy for the game.

Mom and Dad drove their car to the school and, like yesterday, Derek and I got a lift in Kyle’s car. The morning games were set to begin at 10 am and we arrived half an hour early so that I could warm up with the team.

As I headed towards the couple of girls from our team that had already arrived, I glimpsed Ally out of the corner of my eye. It looked like she was making a move on Jared, who seemed slightly flustered, but pleased. She sure works fast, I thought ruefully. Ally caught my eye and pointed off to her left. I followed her indication straight to Dylan, who was jogging past. Quickly deciding that he was obviously very busy, I put my head down and walked briskly to join the other girls, assuming that I would probably receive a lecture later on from Ally if I kept at it. Warming up is much too important for silly little discussions, anyway.

With that thought in mind, I started some stretches and took a quick jog, dribbling a ball as I went along. Unfortunately, it was hard to focus on the ball when I kept catching sight of Dylan doing his own passing exercises. A couple of times I thought we made eye contact, but I pretended that I was looking elsewhere, like the coward I am.

About halfway through the warm-up, it started to drizzle softly. Not enough to really get you wet, but nonetheless I was rather envious of the crowd of umbrellas sitting on the stands.

When the whistle blew to begin our game against Edgecombe, the grass was covered with a layer of slippery moisture, but at least the ground wasn’t muddy yet. Our cleats were still able to do the job for us, and the drizzle was light enough to see through.

Unfortunately, the rain wasn’t helping me to stay warm, so I jogged on the spot while I watched the Edgecombe offence feel out our defence. Right away I could tell that their tactics hadn’t changed. Edgecombe was known throughout the area as the roughest players. Ironically, it seemed like because the referees expected them to play rough, they got away with it. Generally, they never really hurt anyone, but it did make passions fly higher than usual.

The rain dissipated after about 10 minutes, although it remained overcast. The lack of rain bolstered everyone’s spirits and the game became more furious. There was a constant tussle in midfield to gain possession, with the occasional break away causing everyone to hold their breath.

It seemed like the first half would end in a tie, until through some clever passing the ball was suddenly at my feet, and the field before me was so, so clear and there was the goal, and the goalie was edging to her left, and I was going to fake right, and we were going to end the first half with a one goal lead, and it was clear, and now—

And now, the breath was knocked viciously out of my chest when I slammed into the ground. I rolled over and stared at the gray sky, still in shock, before the blasting shrill of the whistle jolted me back. I drew in a huge breath.

“Penalty!”

Hands were pulling me up and I was staring at Jen, the centre midfielder. Jen cocked her head towards a girl standing nearby, who I recognised as Dani, Edgecombe’s captain. “She side tackled you,” Jen told me, then muttered, “more like tripped you. You alright?”

I looked at Dani, who was smiling, a competitive glint in her eyes. “I’m fine. Give me the damn ball.”

Jen grinned and stepped back behind me. The referee set up the ball at the penalty mark. There was maybe two minutes left of the half and I was going to make it count. I don’t like people who play the game dirty, and a tumble to the ground, as painful as it was, was all the incentive I needed to wipe that stupid smirk off Dani’s face.

7 seconds later, and the sound of the ball hitting the back of the net was as satisfying as the transformation of Dani’s smirk into an angry glare. We kicked off in the middle again, but the half was over and the whistle blew before Edgecombe had any time to muster up an offensive.

I sat down during the half time break, taking a long drink. Coach Austen came over and clapped me on the shoulder. “Great shot. Keep your cool. I’ll put you back in when there’s half an hour left.” I nodded.

As we all stretched and had a snack or two, Ally came over and sat down next to me, sitting gingerly since the ground was still a bit wet.

“I saw Dani’s ‘tackle’.” She rolled her eyes. “I’m presuming since you were able to kick her ass with your penalty, you’re not injured enough to avoid talking to Dylan.”

I sighed. “Look, Ally, I think yesterday I was just being, you know, a bit silly.”

It was Ally’s turn to glare at me then. “You’re chickening out again, aren’t you?”

I looked down at my hands. “No, I just think…”

“You can’t keep doing this, Riley! Not everything is going to be handed to you in life. You need to work for it. You’re never going to experience anything if you’re too afraid to act for yourself!”

Ally was slowly working herself into exasperated annoyance, and gradually it was bringing my own irritation to surface as well. “I get it, okay? You don’t have to lecture me, for god sake! I already know all of this. I can’t just miraculously snap out of it in one day! All I was trying to say was that I think you pushed me into thinking I like Dylan—”

“Riley, shh—”

“No, don’t ‘shh’ me! Stop telling me what to do! I’m going to tell you something now—”

“Okay, but maybe later—” Ally wasn’t even looking at me anymore, but rather somewhere behind me.

“I don’t like Dylan! Okay? Do you get it now? So can you stop pushing me around?” I demanded, my breathing harsh in the sudden silence.

Ally was looking past my shoulder, biting her lip. Then she looked at me, and said quietly, “Oh, Riley.”

“What?” I whispered, dreading the answer, and yet already knowing it. I put my water bottle down and turned my upper body around slowly. A familiar pair of red and black cleats met my eyes. Oh, god. I closed my eyes, feeling sick, but forced myself to look up and open them. I almost recoiled at the blank look in Dylan’s eyes. They were unreadable, none of their usual warmth seeping through. They were just nothing. Blocked off to me, as if a huge wall had just taken up residence in the air between us. With a sinking feeling, I thought perhaps it really had.

“Dylan,” I started, his name coming out in an entreating whisper. This was not happening. This could not be happening. Accidental or not, I never hurt my friends. “I didn’t mean—”

He put up his hand, forestalling me. Which was probably a good thing, since I didn’t even know what I was going to say.

“Don’t.” He shook his head. “It’s okay.”

My heart lurched at the sight of him assuring me, when he was the one who needed it. Why did he have to be so good? I felt like I was going to cry.

He looked at me for a second more, and then turned around and walked away, back to his teammates. I turned back to Ally, but couldn’t bring myself to look at her.

Right about then, I felt like the meanest, most undeserving friend ever.