Prepare for the fight of your life, prepare for Christmas. The ultimate students' survival guide.

Deranged housewives, evil shopping centres, poisonous food, crazed young children, and relative’s gone mad and cannibalistic coursework. Sounds like a horror movie. But, no this is just Christmas!

Here for your survival for over the festive period, the ultimate Christmas Survival guide, for students. Because it’s the most … wonderful time of the year, for war.

Coursework, because your the main course.

First let’s deal with the work your teachers have set for you. You are completely screwed if you leave your work to the last minute. You will feel so terrible on your last day of your holiday when you realise you have a mountain of coursework that has been building up on you for the last two weeks and today’s the day it avalanches down on your head. So let’s get this straight, the workload you are dealing with here is to be feared, respected and to be dealt with as soon as possible. Arrange a timetable and organise when you’re going to get each piece done by. If you leave it all to the last minute, you won’t get it all done and are more screwed than an idiot who sets fire to the underwear his wearing.

Work alcoholics beware.

Now for all those sick minds who were planning on taking advantage of the festive period and earning a little money. Well welcome to the nightmarishly twisted world of Christmas retail. It doesn’t matter where you work Christmas will find you; there’s no place to hide. You’ll need comfy shoes, good friends at work, coffee by the galleons and strong dispositions to helping the most obnoxious, rude, childish….parents you will ever meet.

Welcome to the death defying sport of Christmas shopping

A word on shopping. Today is the 7th December if you actually plan to celebrate Christmas in 18 days, if you haven’t started your Christmas shopping yet. I’d start tomorrow and pray everyone else doesn't get the same idea. Best time to go shopping is in the week before the schools break up. Fewer people, no little ankle-biters to worry about.

However if your course is too pressing to allow you to do this, then the sooner and earlier you go on a weekend the better. The crowd usually build-up around 11am and doesn't let up till the shops shut. If you absolutely have to leave things to the last minute, I hope you’re into extreme sports, you can expect to have your shins broken and your ribs cracked by old woman cutting-in-line. My own advice for you is get there as soon as the shops open and be prepared, have a list and know exactly where you have to go to get your identified presents and wear comfortable shoes and expect to spend most of your time in queues.

Recruit a mystic at guide you through darkness...Get a woman to help you shop!

Now men. Prepare yourselves for a shock. Women are better … at shopping than men. I know I was in shock when I found out. But through study I have discovered that they have developed highly advance shopping intuition and instinct, like some sort of shopping panther. Recruit a friend or family member of the fairer sex through the fiendish maze of Christmas shopping, they think in ways you and I simple can’t understand. Just don’t pull on their tails. Also compile a list of people you are shopping for and items they would most like and alternatives, if it’s popular it won’t be in the shops. Always go after the most popular presents first as they will be gone if you are not careful.

Decorating, it kills more Americans each year than George Bush, Senior.

Decorating the home, nothing dangerous about that right? Well you’re wrong. 80 Americans are killed every year putting up outside lights and over 5,000 are injured, just in the decorating phase of the celebration alone, so here’s how to do it right. Make sure the tree stand is secure and stable, falling trees hurt and some idiot at the hospital always makes a ‘timber’ wise crack, so to avoid it follow the instruction manuals weight and handling advice to the letter. Always untangle the lights. I know it’s a pain and it seems that even if you carefully put them back in the box last year they have somehow managed to get themselves entangled again. Not even I know how this happens; the best bet is to start unravelling them at the plug end and reverse the loops and knots slowly. It’s a slow and painful task, but with a little luck and a lot of patience you will get there and avoid a serious fire risk, and the lights look prettier on the tree. Doesn’t it just fill you with the Christmas spirit? No. Well moving on.

Outdoor lights, it’s like they compensating for something

Outside lights are a great way for spreading the Christmas spirit with the rest of the street. Just make sure you buy outdoor lights, it’s hard to tell to look at them but it is usually clearly printed on the box or plug and you will most likely need an extension lead to get the job done. Another thing to remember is not to go overboard with the lights if it’s your first time. Your DIY eager dad may want to paint a luminescent, neon masterpiece over the dire canvas of your cement and mortar to light your neighbour’s hearts ablaze with envy. Just remind him of this little fact that most people who have giant Christmas displays every year don’t really have a life and force feed their children Prozac for the all-year round smile effect.

It's like D-day but with wrapping paper.

So you have fought off the crowds and hunted down all the presents. You have survived the decoration nightmare. You have at least acknowledged the fact that you have some pesky work to do. And you haven’t been eaten alive by the crowds on Christmas Eve while you try to make some money. So all smooth sailing through the atmosphere on a one horse open sleigh, while dream of sugar plumps and fairies prance through your head, right? Well…

Now the real fun begins in the form of young little tykes or siblings if you’re unlucky enough to have any, in keeping with the evil spirit of Christmas, jump around like morons screaming at the top of their sugar filled lungs and wake you up at the ungodly hour of 8am to open the presents. So what can you do but get up. Drink some coffee or, given the festive seasons penchant for chocolate, stuff your pie-hole and head on out to the Christmas tree. Depending on the number of people in your family, and if you do all your present opening in one sitting then it’s going to take a very long time, so plan accordingly and take lots of deep breaths when it all gets too much.

Now you’re probably all thinking ‘wow really helpful advice, what a clever guy!’ and you’re right. I am a really clever guy and you all owe me large sums of money which I expect post-humorously, which is after you have stopped laughing. So now you’re all probably asking ‘so what do we do then oh wise and wonderful one?’ And I say…. Hey this is just a Christmas survival guide and now I got you to Christmas I’m going on holiday so don’t come running to me when you get yourself in to a boxing match on boxing day and for some reason you thought it was a good idea to dry your underwear over the toaster and now the kitchen’s on fire, I’m on holiday, sort out your own lives for once and quit bugging me!