Warm-up A

One time a creepy old man stopped me on the street and asked me my home address. I lied, saying I didn’t know, and ran away as fast as I could. The creepy old man was really a billionaire who was planning to send a random kid a suitcase full of money.

52 words.

Warm-up B

And once I stole a bottle of glitter from my kindergarten teacher, but it turned out it wasn’t hers. That night, Tinkerbell couldn’t return to Neverland because I’d stolen the magical pollen that allowed her to fly.

37 words.

Warm-up C

Yes, I’m really a bit of a glutton

When for dinner we have pork and mutton.

I take more than my share

And my parents, they stare,

As pop! pop! pop! go my buttons.

34 words.

Warm-up D

Once, Sheryl told me a rumor

‘Bout Carrie and Jackie and Sam,

So I told all my friends, like the gossip I am—

But I guess they don’t have a sense of humor!

Now, when I talk, they don’t listen

And won’t ever join me for lunch

Well, I can’t say that I miss ‘em—

Those three were as sour as punch!

Confessions

I once sent away an old millionaire

Who had a big suitcase of bills

I gave him the Eye, and away did I fly

His strangeness, it gave me the chills.

And once I fancied a bottle of sparks

And I pilfered old Tinkerbell’s dust

I reckoned it ‘pretty,’ but oh what a pity

Now she can’t fly away if she must.

Then, the occasion I gorged on a leg

Of juicy and succulent lamb.

My stomach got fat and then it went splat

As I topped it off with some spam.

Well, Jackie and Sheryl and Carrie and Sam,

Don’t talk to me anymore

But they’re just afraid that I’ve got marmalade

And alas, no biscuits in store.

Expose

I’ve done good deeds,

Plenty of them, but as we all know,

Mankind is prone to sin.

So let me tell you a few of my sins.

I’ve smiled at a friend

And hissed behind their back,

I’ve screamed at my closest,

And purred at insignificants.

I’ve replanted a flower

In front of my window

And watched emotionlessly

As it withered and died.

And I’ve refused to lend things,

When of them I had plenty,

Simply because they were mine

And not yours.

So tell me, do the good things,

The good deeds that I do,

Balance out my deformities,

And the wicked ones erase?

Based on the style of Lowell Jaeger

December 13, 2005.