Why the World Revolves Around Me

The world revolves around me; it’s as simple as that. Now some of you may ask, how can it revolve around you when I am so obviously better? To answer your question, I will now present a basic formula upon which all life rests.

Whereas: A is all necessary functions in life and B is all that is superfluous. I equal A, and you equal B.

Now hearing my argument, can you not understand my point of view? No? Then perhaps you need a bit more persuasion.

Imagine this, it is the middle of the night and you are having just the loveliest dream in the world, when all of a sudden, you awaken from your sleep to realize your house is on fire. With a cry, you run out of the house. You stand outside and watch the building burn. Suddenly, you remember something terribly important. You run over to the nervous, incompetent firemen. You shout to them that your baby, your kitty, your Uggy-Wuggy-Smooshy-Pumpkins, is in there. They tell you that there is no hope left and poor Uggy-Wuggy-Smooshy-Pumpkins will die. You collapse to the ground in anguish and feel there is no hope left when, all of a sudden…

I arrive to the rescue. Dressed in my neon green tights and plaid spandex suit, I dash into the burning building to safely retrieve Mr. Pumpkins and hand him over to you. You are so grateful you concede to the point that without me, you would have had an emotional breakdown over the loss of Uggy-Wuggy-Smooshy-Pumpkins. And then you begin to wonder how I came to know that the building was burning down. Herein lies the answer: the world revolves around me. Because it does so, I was able to identify your crisis and come to the rescue.

How’s that for an argument? What? Still not satisfied? Ok then.

Say that we’re in a speech competition, right? Heck, let’s go a little further and say that we’re in an original oratory round in this speech competition. Well, to top off even that, let’s say that we’re in the middle of a speech in an original oratory round in a speech competition.

Ok, so here we have a person speaking in this speech competition. An incredibly attractive, yet inhumanely modest blonde hottie. She’s speaking about some such nonsense as to why the world revolves around her, or some other incredibly important topic.

I bet you didn’t know that she ate Pop Tarts for breakfast this morning. Those Pop Tarts came from a Pop Tart plant where people make Pop Tarts who are employed by an incredibly wealthy man who in college dated a woman who dated a man who married a woman who, on one wacky day, suggested the idea of the NFL. The same National Forensic League that hosts most of our speech competitions today.

Now, this co-creator of the NFL was particularly fond of Pop Tarts, so she wrote an exceedingly persuasive speech about why the world revolved around Pop Tarts. Turned out they had no event in which to place it, so she created the original oratory event, and hence, we have that event today.

You may be asking how that exceptionally striking young woman is involved in this. Well, if she hadn’t bought the Pop Tarts there would be a surplus in the all around Pop Tart percentage of the world and the Pop Tart plant would shut down and the incredibly wealthy man would have had no reason to go to college, where he wouldn’t have dated that woman. She, in turn, would not have dated the man after, because she would have gotten knocked up years before. That man would never have met his future wife, the creator of the NFL, because he would never have gone to the bar like he did after breaking up with the previous woman, because he never would have met her. Hence, he wouldn’t have a wife, and the lady who originally would have thought of the NFL would have spent the rest of her life pondering on why she couldn’t find a man.

There would be no NFL, and, because there’s no NFL, there’s no oratory event. Without the oratory event, there are no extraordinarily endearing and unusually brilliant people presenting their pieces. Without the public speaking experience that oratory provides, the radiant future of the people dims. Where one woman would have become president, she instead succumbs to her natural urge to live in a mud hut in Canada, where she lives out the rest of her days as a vegan.

Without her as the first woman president, the world instead falls into a depression that it never emerges from. America becomes a communist country, and forces all the capitalists to flee for China. Afghanistan becomes a republic and turns into the main axis of power. Russia reverts to its Soviet origins. Europe descends into a second ice age, but is suddenly seized with the notion that clothes are unnecessary, and all the Europeans freeze to death. The world eventually implodes and life ceases to exist.

Now, as you may have guessed, the buyer of the Pop Tarts was me. As you can see, the world irrevocably and 100 revolves around me. Without me, the world would fall into a pit of darkness from which it would never recover. Without me, the human race becomes extinct.

After the world imploded, it would spew the pieces of earth into the solar system. One of the major pieces would hit the sun and knock out the process of fusion, thereby rendering the sun useless.

The rest of the planets would go dark and freeze over, and extinguish life attempting to form on any other planet.

Because the sun would be extinguished, its gravitational pull would no longer hold the planets in line. The planets would then float out of the solar system and crash into others, causing widespread destruction and the ultimate obliteration of the universe.

Can’t you see now, that the world does in fact revolve around me? Don’t tell me, you can’t. Ok, I will present to you my final argument. If, by then, you have not realized that I rule completely and irreversibly, and the world revolves around me, then you should not be living. Get ready, here come the big guns.

We’ll start this with a long time ago. Back in the days where dinosaurs ruled the earth and I was just an inkling in the chaos of the world. The first man evolved from a rock, and decided he needed a partner. One to rule over him, one who would, eventually, come to an apex in the great world of life. So he took a piece of the sky, and blew on it, and it became the first woman.

She was vastly superior, being as she was created from sky, and she ruled the world with an iron hand. Well, just recently, she decided that she needed a break, 15 years ago, to be exact. Well, she thought about it for a good long time, and decided that she couldn’t make a man because he evolved from a rock, and rocks are just not that smart. So she took a bit of the Sun, and a bit of the Milky Way, and mixed it all together. She then blew the breath of life into it, and as it awoke, she spoke over it the sacred words of life.

This tiny little thing, a beautiful baby girl, so amazed the woman that she decided to retire altogether and give the world to the little girl. The world, which had previously centered on the woman, now revolved around this beautiful image of perfection. This baby girl grew up to be a spectacular young woman, despite all the power that she wielded. And that baby girl was me. I know, I know, I don’t look like I rule the universe, but I do.

So, based on the above reasons, I come to the conclusion that the world does in fact revolve around me and anyone who disagrees must have evolved from a rock.