-Close Quarters-

by Ola

A/N While cleaning out my closet, I came upon this old essay that I wrote once upon a time for an English class, now five years ago. I quite liked it, and thus thought to share it with you. I hope you enjoy it, and that it brings a little smile to your lips )

You walk uneasily along a gloomy and narrow hallway, hugging the shadows in fear of being discovered, and look for a certain door that will change your entire future. Furtively glancing for passerby, you take out a discolored key that you insert into the lock with sweaty palms, to reveal the one thing you would kill for: the guidance’s computer.

It wasn't enough that Mr. Johnson gave me an F in physics while he didn’t teach us anything; he was also blind enough not to notice me ten times when doing attendance while I was sitting right in front of him, staring at his ugly, mean little eyes.

Well, you absolutely had to take action. Standing a few feet from the still open door, you begin imagining your teacher as a big purple cow with a yellow skirt and a pink tie, looking at passing trains with doe-like eyes. A smile begins forming on your lips when suddenly, your silent and amusing thoughts are shattered by the loud “bang” of the door slamming shut. Terrified, you wonder if anyone has heard it.

Imbecile! Of course someone did. THE WHOLE WORLD HAS HEARD IT! How could I have been so STUPID!

Sweating like a terrorized swine, you rush to the worn out knob, only thinking of your hasty and unobserved retreat and the 1001 things that could befall you if you are caught, and pull…

Nothing happens.

Then the cold hand of reality slaps you in the face and the fingers of fear slowly glide along your back as your hair rises on its end and you hear your own funeral march being played in the not-so-far-away future. The fact is, you are trapped in a room you were not supposed to enter in the first place, with no idea as to when its occupant might show his angry face.

Fear not. If that “little incident” ever happened to you, here is a little trick that will get you out of closed rooms in no time.

Of course, there are a few conditions.

You obviously have to be in a closed room, and they key has to be in the keyhole on the inaccessible side of the door. If the latter requirement is not met, then take a course in lock picking.

Nonetheless, your first action is to gather your “instrument.” A piece of paper and a long, thin, strong wire is all you need.

First, make sure the distance between the floor and the bottom of the door is large enough to allow your precious key to slide through. Oh oh. Too small? You should have brought that goat; it would have been a perfect pet for you, and an even better carpet mower. Looking for something more compact? A hamster would do the job just as well, would fit in your pocket, and would not require as much explanation as to why you are walking into an office with a white buck.

Now that you have your space figured out, slide your piece of paper under the door, positioning it under the doorknob and leaving just enough of your instrument on your side of the door to be able to pull it out again. And oh… smiling sheepishly I forgot to mention to listen for passerby. It would not be a good idea for someone to see a paper sliding from under a door that was supposed to be locked.

And now, for the coup de maitre. Any long, thin, and strong thing would do: a wire, a paper clip, or even a toothpick. If you are unable to procure yourself with those devices, you should have chosen your room with care. A business office or a dentist clinic would be the best places to be locked into. As a final resource, if you are really desperate, you can always try blowing through the keyhole, but only a saxophonist would succeed in doing that. Well, you can now deftly insert your lock pick into the hey hole, simply push the key out, and prey it falls on your paper without bouncing off.

Finally, pull your piece of paper back under the door to your side, pick up your treasure, insert it into your side of they key hole and t… all right, I think you got it.

This easy little trick can work wonders, either to impress someone, or to get out of otherwise messy situations. But as ever little miracle, it has drawbacks. No space under the door? You should not have locked yourself in a room with lavish and thick Persian rugs. No toothpick or paper clip? Well I TOLD you to lock yourself in an office! No time to get out before the occupant strolls inside and starts screaming at you?

… Well…

What were you doing in that room in the first place?!