Operation Reindeer Revelation

Everyone knows the story of Santa Claus, that Coke-loving, jolly, white-haired man who wears a red suit and black boots and comes down our chimneys every year on Christmas Eve, bringing us toys with his eight reindeer in tow, including the most famous of all, Rudolph. What if I told you the reindeer were female and not male? That would change everything, wouldn’t it? I did not believe the reindeer were female, either, until I heard the story behind it and the answer to the question everyone is thinking is no, the male reindeer did not have a sex change operation.

It all started at the North Pole, where the reindeer lived in comfortable stables and trained all year for the night when they would make their flight around the world. Tradionally, the reindeer were male and were named Dancer, Dasher, Prancer, Vixen, Comet, Cupid, Donder, Blitzen, and Rudolph, the red-nosed reindeer. Clement C. Moore, the author of that famous poem, “Twas the Night Before Christmas”, gave these names to the reindeer. No one knows if that is what Santa named them, but the names stuck.

The reindeer themselves thought Clement C. Moore was out of it when he coined their names. Would you believe a guy who kept running back and forth all night to a window who thought he saw Santa, in his red suit and his “belly like a bowl full of jelly”, calling to his reindeer? The reindeer never remembered any of this and just concluded Clement had a little too much eggnog.

The reindeer enjoyed their lives at the North Pole most of the year, but truly hated it in December, when Santa put them in intensive training for their flight on Christmas Eve. This training, which consisted of endless flying exercises and strenuous stretches, often had the reindeer cursing Santa under their breath and singing their parody of “Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer”, which went a little something like this: Santa got run over by his reindeer/ Leaving from the North Pole Christmas Eve/ You can say there’s no such thing as reindeer/ But as for all the elves, they do believe.

Now, back to how the reindeer were female. For one hundred years, the Flyers, as the reindeer were collectively known at the North Pole, were male and made the flight every year, without fail, and every year in December, in addition to their exercise regiment, they boasted and belittled the other reindeer on their chances of ever flying on Christmas Eve. This gave most of the other reindeer low self-esteem and a strong desire to punish the Flyers for their remarks, even though most just let the wave of temporary anger and jealousy pass over them like a scatter of flurries. The other reindeer never did anything to prove they were worthy of flying or approached the Big Guy himself, for as kind as he was, he was very intimidating to them.

Of course, there was that fearless group of female reindeer who had a plan, code named Operation Reindeer Revelation, to steal the spotlight from the Flyers, who clearly lost the meaning of what being a reindeer was. It also should be said that the Flyers found themselves rather attractive and did not miss a chance to hit on all the female reindeer, but paid special attention to this one group of female reindeer. They flirted with them constantly with the performance of their special stunts and many dinner proposals, but were always turned down. The Flyers themselves never understood why; in their eyes they were attractive enough, but it never occurred to them that around this time of year, instead of filling the stables with good cheer, they hung up posters of themselves flying and their stunts, left notes reading, “Y’know we fly, but you ain’t seen nothing till you’ve seen us in the sky”. The Flyers did not know the girls knew this, however.

The female reindeer’s strategy, tired of being constantly hit on by the Flyers, was to take incriminating photographs of certain members of the Flyers wearing Mrs. Claus’ nightgowns, a well known fact in the stable despite the certain members denial of it, partying in the stables with barrels of Santa’s special Root Beer, a copy of the note and posters they posted up, a recording of their parody, and worst of all, them throwing darts at a picture of Santa. The first step in their plan was the delivery of these articles of incriminating evidence to the Big Guy in a manila envelope, written by anonymous concerned citizens of the North Pole, who had witnessed the Flyers committing these heinous crimes and just thought Santa should know. No warning was given to the Flyers, instead they received praise from Santa for the creativity in which they spent their leisure time and scored major costume points from Mrs. Claus.

The female reindeer decided now was the time for drastic measures. They had to do the unthinkable, accept a date from the Flyers, and actually eat dinner with them. They sent a note to each member of the Flyers, telling them to meet them behind the stables at 7 o’clock on Christmas Eve for their date. The Flyers came; unaware of what the true motive was behind their dates, if it was not attraction. The motive of the girls’ was to kidnap the Flyers and that the root beer the Flyers drank was not actually root beer, but was a sleeping potion, Tipsy the elf concocted for the girls as a favor. The reindeer drank the root beer as planned and fell asleep instantaneously, their heads in their bowls of chocolate pudding. The girls tied the Flyers up and hauled them, one by one, to the roof of the stable, where they laid asleep in one large, messy pile.

The female reindeer took the place of the Flyers on Christmas Eve and no one, not even Santa, knew the difference. It was over New York that Santa noticed the Flyers were not acting like their usual comical selves and asked Rudolph what was the matter. It was then he noticed that Rudolph’s nose was glowing pink, and the reply he received was rather high and girlie. Poor Rudy must have a cold, he thought. It was not until he realized he had been duped by a bunch of female reindeer when he saw one of their fake antlers lying in the snow and a small red ribbon on each of their heads.

“Where are the Flyers?!” Santa demanded.

“They’re sleeping”, was the joint reply.

It was then Santa freaked. He pulled the sleigh over on top on the Empire State building, angrily got out and walked around for a while mumbling under his breath.

He came back to the sleigh an hour late and said the most shocking thing to the girls, “I hope you know what you did was wrong, tricking me and the Flyers, but it definitely wasn’t a mistake. You girls, believe it or not, fly better than the Flyers do, a lot smoother if I don’t say and that’s why I’ve decided to make you girls my new Flyers for every year from now on.”

Cheers erupted from among the girls as they gave each other high hooves.

“And just out of curiosity,” Santa whispered, “Were you the concerned citizens of the North Pole who sent me that letter?” They all nodded their heads, yes, somewhat shamefully.

“Well, I’m glad you did”, Santa replied with a smile, “I had been suspecting them of such behavior for years now”.

Santa got back on the sleigh and for some reason, this year, the ride was much more enjoyable. Some could blame it on the weather but as for me, I credit it to Santa and his new set of female reindeer named Donna, Dancer, Prancy, Vicky, Commy, Cupie, Donda, Blitzie,and Gertrude also known as Rudy, the pink-nosed reindeer.